How has your family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are?
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars."
~Khalil Gibran
My father was an abusive alcoholic. Most nights I'd hide in remote parts of the house hoping maybe this time he'd pass-out right away. Other times, I'd freeze in my tracks, unable to move or breathe, when I'd hear him come home from work. The throbbing in my ears deafened how close he was until his booming voice barked an order at me. I prayed for each of his blows to be the last. Every night I contemplated on how someone could find pleasure in causing others so much pain, on how his actions would reverberate into my character, on who was to blame-the predator or the prey.
I justified him. I'd tell myself that his father hurt him when he was young and he didn't know any better. He was mirroring something he saw growing up. Could this be what he thought good parenting? His dad hurt him and he turned out "successful" being a Master Chief in the Navy and married for almost 30 years with 2 sons and 2 daughters; maybe his theory was "tough love". But deep down, I knew it wasn't that simple. It wasn't an easily classified case of "projection" you'd find in a psychology book. He simply was a monster.
I knew I was no part of the equation that created him, and I would have no part of it after I left. Those thoughts, on rationalizing cruelty, on what I'd become, and on who was to blame - they later became the foundations of the woman I am today, how strong-willed I am and my capacity for compassion. I came to a conclusion that my father took the easy path, and I wouldn't. I'd take the harder road of tenderness and endurance that would one day lead to a fulfilling life of love and serenity. Nothing's given me any reason to have hope at this point, but I'm the light in my own dark world and I won't lose that. My pain and my past will strengthen others one day, and even though it will always be with me, I'll never become the monster my father is, I will always, always chose the light.
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars."
~Khalil Gibran
My father was an abusive alcoholic. Most nights I'd hide in remote parts of the house hoping maybe this time he'd pass-out right away. Other times, I'd freeze in my tracks, unable to move or breathe, when I'd hear him come home from work. The throbbing in my ears deafened how close he was until his booming voice barked an order at me. I prayed for each of his blows to be the last. Every night I contemplated on how someone could find pleasure in causing others so much pain, on how his actions would reverberate into my character, on who was to blame-the predator or the prey.
I justified him. I'd tell myself that his father hurt him when he was young and he didn't know any better. He was mirroring something he saw growing up. Could this be what he thought good parenting? His dad hurt him and he turned out "successful" being a Master Chief in the Navy and married for almost 30 years with 2 sons and 2 daughters; maybe his theory was "tough love". But deep down, I knew it wasn't that simple. It wasn't an easily classified case of "projection" you'd find in a psychology book. He simply was a monster.
I knew I was no part of the equation that created him, and I would have no part of it after I left. Those thoughts, on rationalizing cruelty, on what I'd become, and on who was to blame - they later became the foundations of the woman I am today, how strong-willed I am and my capacity for compassion. I came to a conclusion that my father took the easy path, and I wouldn't. I'd take the harder road of tenderness and endurance that would one day lead to a fulfilling life of love and serenity. Nothing's given me any reason to have hope at this point, but I'm the light in my own dark world and I won't lose that. My pain and my past will strengthen others one day, and even though it will always be with me, I'll never become the monster my father is, I will always, always chose the light.
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