this is my transfer essay for georgia tech. should i add information about my current university? and how else can we improve this essay
Prompt: What interests you about your selected program of study?
Sir Ganga Ram was an engineer who is largely consider to be the Father of Modern Lahore. During the late 19th and 20th centuries, he designed and developed most of the major construction projects in Lahore. These projects included several universities, hospitals, power plants and even towns, most of which are still integral parts of the city. He also transformed 50,000 acres of desert near the city into fertile fields by lifting water using a hydroelectric plant and a complex irrigation system. His work has inspired me to not only fulfill my desire to create something magnificent but to do it in a way which could benefit the people around me. Because of this, I decided to choose civil engineering as my program of study.
At the School of Civil and Environmental Engineering at Georgia Tech, I will be able to master topics such as fluid mechanics and strength of materials under one of the most accomplished faculties around the world. I would get the chance to carry out research with fellow engineers in areas of interest such as clean energy solutions and infrastructure development in cities.
Outside the classroom, I will get the chance to learn new skills, interact with other engineers, and further develop my ideas by joining clubs like Engineers for a Sustainable World at Georgia Tech and taking part in activities at the Student Competition Center.
With the skills and knowledge I would acquire from Georgia Tech, I will be able to follow the footsteps of Sir Ganga Ram by improving the living conditions of people living in Lahore without access to necessities such as water and electricity through meaningful development. Georgia Tech will enable me to become a great engineer whose contributions would be no less important than those of Sir Ganga Ram.
Your essay is too small and poorly structured. I will suggest you following edits:
Try to structure essay in 3 parts, it does not mean that it should contain only 3 paras there can be more than 3. BUT one para for Introduction and one para for Conclusion is advisable. Main body can be divided into small 2 or 3 paras. Try to write 500-550 hundred words. It's length should be about one page not more not less.
-Introduction (tell how you get interested in Civil Engineering, focus on yourself. Just give an example that how Sir Ganga Ram changed the face of Lahore don't write his biography, Include achievement if any)
- Main Body (tell why you want to transfer, you can say Georgia Tech has high international ranking, they are ahead in research work, their faculty is highly qualified etc. Go to the University website do some research and then compare those things with you own university- The difference that you felt between these 2 institutes are the things forced you to study in Georgia Tech , Tell what things you will learn here like you are enthusiastic that you will develop geo-technical investigation skill and you also want to do your thesis in it etc )
- Conclusion (tell studying there can help secure you a great career, you can come back to Pakistan and work for companies like NESPAK etc be specific,don't say you will change the face of Lahore. You can just say by doing my Job I will be contributing towards the development of my country. And please don't mention SIr Ganga Ram here.)
After following these instructions you can send it again for a review.
Hope this can help.
[I'll refer to the original essay instead of the Georgia Tech version]
That first paragraph is an interesting way to begin... I think it's great, and the best way to improve it might be to change the last sentence. If you simply state, "Because of this, I decided to choose civil engineering as my program of study," it's like missing an opportunity to do something very powerful. The reader already is able to figure out that it's what influenced you to choose engineering, so you don't have to explicitly state it. It's better to use that last sentence in the first paragraph to make a poignant, insightful comment. What is the sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay? Can you write it in a way that makes people suddenly realize something about how meaningful it is to be an engineer with an intention to help a lot of people?
When you reflect a while, you might come up with the most effective sentence for the end of that first paragraph. It will dig a bit deeper and express the real meaning, the real goal that drives you. Based on your example involving Sir Ganga Ram, you seem inspired to learn engineering because it will enable you to help a lot of people.
Maybe that means you believe in consequentialist/utilitarian ethics. Here is a challenge for you: What would you say to someone who argues that Sir Ganga Ram's work occurred at a time when circumstances were very different from they are today? How would you answer if they said engineering is not as important now as it was in the past?
When you answer that question, it might give you an insight that will be useful for expressing how your worldview leads you to studying engineering. Also, answering that question might help you come up with a sentence that is perfect for expressing why this school would be better (for you in particular because of your specific intentions) than other schools. You need improvement in that area, because currently your method of expressing that is not sufficient:
able to master topics such as fluid mechanics and strength of materials under one of the most accomplished faculties around the world. I would get the chance to carry .... These are not specific statements, and they could be made about any school. What is the real reason this school is best for you? Is there a professor who wrote a recent article you liked?
You have a nice writing style, and I like the way you used Sir Ganga Ram as an example. In the last paragraph, maybe you can write something about what the modern equivalent of his work would be. What problems can an engineer solve in creative ways? You will be very convincing if you list a few different specific plans you have. Example: Creating more efficient irrigation systems for use in developing nations.
Also, think about excellent accomplishments that have recently been made by engineers, and use those for inspiration while working on the essay. Mentioning recent accomplishments shows that you are already reading about the most recent advancements, which makes you more impressive than other candidates.