"the struggles of not having a stable home" - personal statement life transition

Personal Statement

My name is Nigel Vernon; I am senior at Discovery High School. I was born in Belize
and raised in the USA. I was raised in Los Angeles C.A by my mom with six siblings until of
February 2009. I recently moved to New York for about two years now and intend on moving
forward with my education. Life for me now is comforting with the support love ones around me
give to have a bright future.

Overcoming the struggles of not having a stable home has broadened my horizon.
Moving from place to place brought challenges making it hard for me to focus as a student from
elementary through middle school and beginning of High school. Despite having siblings I felt
lonely not being able to have a close friend for long. As I continuously went through this process
my son to mother relationship drifted apart as time passed. As a result I was having academic
problems not fully focused on my education. Less than half way through my sophomore year my
mom decided to send me to Belize with no sense of order. It turned out she sent me to stay
despite telling me it was visit which was untimely since I had school the following day.

Going through this transition from moving from one group of people to another has made
great improvements. I have benefited in the long as I have a stable home and people who support
me. I feel more in control and confident know that I'm doing well in school making up credits I
did not receive while out of school. I have obtained good grades and now have more
opportunities to succeed along with a chance to have friends. Despite the setbacks I have come
to realize that it is me in the end that controls my future. My career goal is to be a business man
for many reasons. One of my reasons is to show independence and strength to rise above all
struggles. Another reason is that the field of business requires one to take responsibility and this
will expand my leadership skills in the real world. I am taking AP English to enhance my
communication skills regarding writing and relating to others in the business world. I intend on
working in business management then owning my own business. College is my way of
achieving this goal and showing my siblings that despite setbacks one can achieve greatness.

I challenge toy to condense the first paragraph into a singe sentence, and make it a sentence that gives all the same information. You should not use a whole paragraph to give information that could be given in a singe sentence.

I think you should write that first paragraph as a singe sentence, and then connect it to paragraph 2.

Cut this sentence:
Overcoming the struggles of not having a stable home has broadened my horizon.
Moving from place to place brought challenges making it hard for me to focus as a student from
elementary through middle...

Condense and refine. Forge the blade.

I intend to work in business management and eventually own my own ___________ (what kind of business?) business. College is my way of...
:-) Nice!!