"Finding my future in my name" - Common App

Hey guys, I would really appreciate it if anyone can read my common app essay and tell me if it makes sense. Also, I know I have a lot of grammatical mistakes and awkward sentences, but I cannot seem to find them. I am also 30 words over the word count, does any part seem repetitive that I can delete or remove. Thank you soo much in advance!!!

Common app prompt #1
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Finding my future in my name.
What began as a story of self-discovery and liberation unexpectedly pivoted into a revelation of my name, Faizus Saleheen. For 17 years, I have been writing my own story and creating my future, completely oblivious that I am on a train to my destiny to be the "Faizus Saleheen." Did I discover my name, or has it subconsciously created me?

Born in a village broken as the hearts of its people, I was raised by parents who barely survived the 1971 Bangladesh genocide, where children and women were kidnapped, raped, burned. Unlike most children, I was never read "Goodnight Moon" at bedtime, and I missed the train for Hogwarts from Harry Potter. Instead, the magical protagonist from my bedtime story was Rashed, a young freedom fighter from Bangladesh. Disney and Cartoon Network were absent from my childhood. In lieu, I found myself immersed into the world of activism, into the captivating stories of Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela. Rather than Hogwarts, I lived my preteen through the eyes of a child from Afghanistan in The Kite Runner. All these adult, unfiltered stories were fed to me at an early age. Some might think these stories would scar me or get me depressed; however, they filled me with optimism. No one -- not my father, not Rashed, not Mandela -- succumbed to the injustices of the world. In fact, everyone of my heroes had, in the stark face of adversity, gathered an optimistic passion for humanity.

My upbringing was blessed by the tales of many humanitarians, fomenting my unquenchable passion for human rights. As I matured, these stories became my closest companion, a slice of worldview, as indispensable as sight. But, I must admit, I felt daunted by all these global crises. Merely an empathetic student, I could only read about these crimes in the comfort of my home. It was finally the Arab Springs that triggered every muscle in my body to protect my human family. These people were dieing for the three most celebrated words in United State history, "we the people." Seeing photos of a generation being inhumanly gassed reminded me those historic photos during WWII. It was at this point, I committed myself to no longer acquiesce human rights abuses, but to join the fight against it.

Last summer, I had the fortune opportunity to intern at an NGO devoted to Syrian refugees. Flying to the Turkey-Syria border, I encountered the aftermaths of the worst atrocities imaginable, where even young Syrians had bodies depicting battlefields. It was in this worst of humanity that brought out the best in me. Their stories broadened my horizon by destroying my preconceived notion of activism. So often has been said, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat forever." However, this aphorism cannot simply be applied to talented Syrian refugees who can more than just fish. Just all the fishes in their pond were dead due to the the brutal war. Motivated by their life-risking efforts to survive, I worked tirelessly to breed new fishes that will not only empower them, but rekindle their hope. Working with graduate students, we created a vocational program that will supply Syrians with qualification to find work in Turkey. With fresh fish in their pond, Syrian refugees will have the resources to provide for themselves and invest in their future.

I have no single childhood trauma or great religious conviction that led me to pursue my passion. What I do have is my name. My parents never revealed the truth behind "Faizus Saleheen," always telling me, "you are named after your ancestors." It was an elderly Syrian in Sakarya refugee camp who used to be a professor of Arabic etymology that tapped the very core of my existence and future.

"Salam! Ismee Faizus Saleheen!" I dress his wounds as I tell him why I am here.
In English, he tearfully replies with, "You are truly the Faizus Saleheen, the 'Champion of Human Righteousness'"

A self-fulfilling prophecy?

Again what i need helpwith most is cutting those 30 words

Hey! Really great essay! Cool fact: I am also from Bangladesh!

Your essay is really compelling and contains many interesting anecdotes. One problem I found was that the information in the first paragraph was not followed through the entire essay. Either add more parts that connect the meaning of your name more into the story or change the first paragraph to better match the content of the majority of your essay.

I think you can delete some sentences from the second paragraph. It has good content but is sort of redundant. I would focus on just a few of your heroes. You mentioned "not my father, not Rashed, not Mandela ". Maybe focus only on those three individuals.

Disney and Cartoon Network were absent from my childhood. I do not think this sentence is adding much to your story

Born in a village as broken as the hearts of its people,

Ok I hoped that helped!

The question that came to my mind is "What is the significance of your name? Since you have made it a central and integral part of this essay, it obviously holds a great meaning and importance for you in your culture or tradition The essay will definitely benefit from a description of the meaning of the name at the start. Since you ask yourself later on whether your name made you or if you made your name. Don't save the definition of your name for the very end of the essay. You need to explain it at the very start because that is a nagging question that lingers as one progresses with reading your essay and it becomes quite irritating to not know how it relates to the story you are trying to tell.

As a "Champion of Human Righteousness", I feel that you have not fully developed that aspect of your trait in your essay. You have spent a great deal of time discussing your background instead of just summarizing those and then concentrating on showing facts that will help one come to a conclusion that answers the question you posed at the start. More importantly, you tell the reader that the citizens of your country believe that you embody the meaning of your name. How do you feel about it? Do you think you actually embody your name right now? We need to hear your opinion because this is all about your central identity and you are the only person who truly knows if the events you have depicted truly helped to shape your central identity.

Okay, I will add the meaning of my name in the beginning. Any other comments? Any grammatical mistakes or awkward wording. And I need to cut 24 words.

Considering that you are writing a draft version of the essay at this point, the word count should not and cannot matter. That is because in order to properly say what you want to say, you need to write a long response. Once you have written the long response, we can then review it and edit it down to combine sentences or paragraphs which will then help you meet the word count. Thinking about constantly staying within the word count is often what makes these essays hard for students to respond to. So I always ask the student to not consider the word count the first time they write. It is easier to edit a long paper to meet the word count than it is to try to express yourself in limited words.