Okay so I have just finished writing my draft for my first essay to the University of Texas and I need some input.
The prompt comes from Texas university.
"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities."
My essay:
Growing up as a first generation American-born-citizen was difficult and even more so while being raised by a single mother and two older siblings. At times, my mother could not afford paying for oil during the winter to heat our showers or even keep the electricity going. Moving homes was a constant activity, which prevented me from making lasting friends and from sticking with sports teams or clubs. A profound scar was left on me as well as on my academic life.
As a child I had no bedtime, no adult to tell me to read, or parent to tell me to work hard in school. While it was easy to fall in the hands of laziness, danger, and dropping out of school, I contended to be a great student. I remember structuring my day so that I would be in bed before eight every night. I remember saving my money and waiting for the book fair so that I could buy a book to read. I remember receiving my report card and telling myself that next time I will do better. I remember begging my mother to put me into piano lessons after trying to teach myself. It was my drive that prevented me from dropping out of high school as both my older brothers did before me. I guided myself to be the best that I could be yet high school was especially troubling for me.
Starting my freshman year of high school I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder all of which hindered my social and academic life. I kept to myself and avoided any outside communication with friends, teachers, and even with my own family.
As my graduation approached, I began to own up to my problems. I began to be more social, more focused, more positive, and more active. My life gradually began to move past the darkness. Becoming an editor for my high school newspaper showed me that working hard does lead to good things and that same year, I had the opportunity to travel to Greece, which opened my eyes and heart to a more positive and peaceful life. I began to work harder to increase my GPA and even started attending school events! I now know how corrosive the depression, anxiety, and OCD was on my life but today I can say, with gratification, that the shadow remains behind me. It was a tormenting battle but it was a necessary one.
My first year in college was the time to prove to myself that I would do better than I did the previous years and I did prove it. I became the president of the adventure club and I was motivated to become the best student in my classes. I will continue to prosper and I hope Texas can see that valuable ability within me.
I wish to enroll to the University of Texas at Austin at this point because I need to be a more independent and major focused student and I will be at Texas. Attending Texas is my next step to prove that I can do better. I will continue my fight and do better at Texas. I hope the University of Texas can understand the hardships and compromises that affected my life yet understand the determination I grasp.
let me know if i should change anything.
The prompt comes from Texas university.
"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities."
My essay:
Growing up as a first generation American-born-citizen was difficult and even more so while being raised by a single mother and two older siblings. At times, my mother could not afford paying for oil during the winter to heat our showers or even keep the electricity going. Moving homes was a constant activity, which prevented me from making lasting friends and from sticking with sports teams or clubs. A profound scar was left on me as well as on my academic life.
As a child I had no bedtime, no adult to tell me to read, or parent to tell me to work hard in school. While it was easy to fall in the hands of laziness, danger, and dropping out of school, I contended to be a great student. I remember structuring my day so that I would be in bed before eight every night. I remember saving my money and waiting for the book fair so that I could buy a book to read. I remember receiving my report card and telling myself that next time I will do better. I remember begging my mother to put me into piano lessons after trying to teach myself. It was my drive that prevented me from dropping out of high school as both my older brothers did before me. I guided myself to be the best that I could be yet high school was especially troubling for me.
Starting my freshman year of high school I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder all of which hindered my social and academic life. I kept to myself and avoided any outside communication with friends, teachers, and even with my own family.
As my graduation approached, I began to own up to my problems. I began to be more social, more focused, more positive, and more active. My life gradually began to move past the darkness. Becoming an editor for my high school newspaper showed me that working hard does lead to good things and that same year, I had the opportunity to travel to Greece, which opened my eyes and heart to a more positive and peaceful life. I began to work harder to increase my GPA and even started attending school events! I now know how corrosive the depression, anxiety, and OCD was on my life but today I can say, with gratification, that the shadow remains behind me. It was a tormenting battle but it was a necessary one.
My first year in college was the time to prove to myself that I would do better than I did the previous years and I did prove it. I became the president of the adventure club and I was motivated to become the best student in my classes. I will continue to prosper and I hope Texas can see that valuable ability within me.
I wish to enroll to the University of Texas at Austin at this point because I need to be a more independent and major focused student and I will be at Texas. Attending Texas is my next step to prove that I can do better. I will continue my fight and do better at Texas. I hope the University of Texas can understand the hardships and compromises that affected my life yet understand the determination I grasp.
let me know if i should change anything.