At times, my mother could not afford paying for oil during the winter to heat our showers or even keep the electricity going.
----> my mother could not afford oil during the winter or the electricity bills.
Moving homes was a constant activity, which prevented me from making lasting friends and from (you already have from: no need to repeat) sticking with sports teams or clubs. A profound scar was left on me as well as on my academic life.
---> Describe the scar. Was it a scar of loneness or a scar of anger towards your parents for moving too much? I need details! Also how does lack of friends or sports activity scar your academic life? There are other people who have studied harder BECAUSE they didn't have any friends or sports activity. Explain why your academic life was scarred.
I remember structuring my day so that I would be in bed before eight every night. I remember saving my money and waiting for the book fair so that I could buy a book to read. I remember receiving my report card and telling myself that next time I will do better. I remember begging my mother to put me into piano lessons after trying to teach myself.
I think three (I remember...) is enough. It's quite repetitive.
As my graduation approached, I began to own up to my problems. I began to be more social, more focused, more positive, and more active. My life gradually began to move past the darkness. Becoming an editor for my high school newspaper showed me that working hard does lead to good things and that same year, I had the opportunity to travel to Greece, which opened my eyes and heart to a more positive and peaceful life. I began to work harder to increase my GPA and even started attending school events! I now know how corrosive the depression, anxiety, and OCD was on my life but today I can say, with gratification, that the shadow remains behind me. It was a tormenting battle but it was a necessary one.
This is the biggest part of your essay but it needs to be organized. This paragraph describes the CHANGE of your past but if you begin with a simple transition sentence like As my graduation approached, It's going to seem that you changed just because graduation approached which is a poor reason to change. Instead, explain what inspired you to turn active and becoming an editor and so on. I don't see a trigger that evolved the dark you of the past to the bright you of the present. What sparked? Tell me.