My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions

Describe the highlights of your most important achievements or contributions. These can also include your work experiences. If you have any outstanding talent (e.g. national sportsman/sportswoman, musical/artistic talent, run a successful business, outstanding community service), please include them as well. (Max : 300 words)

I joined a youth camp where I had the opportunity to experience the lives of rural people of Yogyakarta. I learned a valuable lesson of the power of compassion and sincerity. The warmth of the residents had me forgotten that I was staying in a house crafted out of dirt and bricks. I had to wake up earlier than the sun to nurture the farm, but the chatting along the way erased every trace of drowsiness. These people treated me like I was their family, although I had only known them for hours. They seemed satisfied with their condition despite having rugged shirts and ill-fitted sandals.

During our trip back to the city of Jakarta, I proposed to the youth group that we set up a fund-raising event so we can give back to the residents. I didn't have any selling experience, but the drive to reciprocate the kindness of the residents was my motivation. During my stay, I was taught how to bake traditional Yogyakarta cake. I fell in love with it, and I believe the people of Jakarta will too. After deciding on the product, I had to devise an appropriate pricing strategy that is within the customer budget. First, I calculated the cost of ingredients. I proceed to research the average spending of the people of Jakarta by asking cake shops as I will be adding a percentage from the cost so that it falls between the spending ranges. Being a salesperson wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I had nervous breakdowns and often I ran out of words. However after a short demonstration by my mentor, I observed key points that contributed to his success and tried applying it. I observed that body language and polite manners. is of paramount importance; expressing what word cant. Establishing familiarity with customer is as important as trying to convince customer about your product.

The event went on smoothly and I enjoyed the thrill of selling. Collectively, the entire camp garnered enough profit to purchase new sandals and outfit for the entire seventy-five residents. The head of the village personally came to Jakarta a few days later just to thank us. I was touched by his effort and didn't realize that the tears of joy were racing down my cheeks.

I believe that my perspective has changed ever since I joined the youth camp. Happiness is not always about making yourself happy, it can also be achieved when you make others happy. I even learnt important entrepreneurial techniques that might be useful in the future.

How do i make a catchy intro?
Is the flow of logic reasonable?
Opinion on the conclusion?
I need to cut down to 300 words but I have a hard time cutting out the irrelevant ones
Help is appreciated thank you :)

Gio the first question I have for you is this, what is the importance of your contribution ? How did it affect the community? What were your plans for this fund raising? Why did you believe that this was an important thing for you to do? Why do you consider this a notable accomplishment on your part? The aforementioned are the guide questions that you should be using to develop the important portions of your essay.

At the moment, your essay is nothing more than a slightly informative narrative. You have to develop more prompt relevant response paragraphs in order for you to properly deliver the necessary elements for the reviewer's consideration. You see, the prompt does not require you to explain only what you learned from the experience, which in your case, seems to be about sales. The topic wishes to have you represent your self-reliance and / or leadership abilities that have allowed you to help others, as in the case of community service, or your extra ordinary abilities, in reference to your extra ordinary talent and skill.

The topic that you chose can be used, provided you revise it to reflect the importance of the community service that you did. If you can, try to concentrate on your leadership abilities and the positive outcome of the project on behalf of the community. You can work on the catchy intro, flow of logic, and more relevant conclusion once you direct the essay towards the proper topic. Once you get that right, everything else will fall into place for you :-)

Thank you vangiespen i appreciate your feedback :)
I decided to remake my essay and was able to fall bellow wordcount
What is your opinion in the closing? Is it too weak or too short?

Heres the reviewed version:

The bus halted to a screech and the door opened, exposing a dirt road where houses of bricks and dirt stand. Surveying rural villages had been my main job as a volunteer in Top Holiday, a non-profit organization based on Yogyakarta. I had seen many villages that one can deem unsuitable for living. Aside from surveys, organizing donations was another task of mine.

My greatest achievement was setting up a fund-raising event to support the villagers of mount Bromo. I decided to sell traditional cakes that the residents of Bromo taught me. I had to organize a sales team and lead them despite lacking the experience. I applied all the selling techniques that I could recall from my business book and with great relief, I was able to succeed. I incorporated various techniques such as free sampling to attract customer. As a result, we sold 120 cakes in the entire day which we used to purchase sandals and jackets for the entire 28 residents of Bromo. I chose to give sandals as I observed that residents often walk barefoot, scraping their foot against the stone-filled dirt road. A jacket is necessary as these people live high up in the mountain where the chilling air pierces your bones.

The villagers were very delighted when they received the gifts. The jackets had allowed them to work for longer hours,considering the old workers often have difficulty working with the cold. The sandals gave them the opportunity to travel further with comfort, they were able to visit neighbouring village as now it seemed less of a painful journey.

Subsequently, the fund-raising event allowed me to acquire first-hand experience to selling and leading a group. It was also a spiritually-healing activity, making others happy had made me joyful as well.

This is a very acceptable revision Gio. The essay now has a sense of purpose and highlights the importance of your contribution to the community that was lacking in the first one. You have managed to shed light on a personal enlightenment, as well as your contribution to the betterment of community life for the people of Bromo. This is an excellent essay to present to the reviewer.

That said, you need to now proof read your content for possible mistakes. I have seen some mistakes in the essay such as mount Bromo which should actually be; Mount Bromo. Proof-read the essay and make sure that you have the most perfect essay that you can submit to the reviewer. I'll get you started on that below:

The bus halted to a screech - THE BUS SCREECHED TO A HALT.
bricks and dirt stand STOOD.
in AT Top Holiday...

taught me TO PREPARE.
in DURING the entire...
scraping their foot FEET...

You should also better format your response by dividing your paragraphs into topics. right now, it is a bit difficult to read because the essay is in a single paragraph format. You should separate the topics so that the reviewer can better process the information that you are delivering. If the eyes of the reviewer find it easy to read, there is a better chance that the reviewer will also remember what he read when it comes time to analyze your application.

Thank you for constantly helping me reviewing my essay :)
I proof-read the essay and make sure to pay attention to every detail

My finalised version:

The bus screeched to a halt and the door opened, exposing a dirt road where houses of dirts stood. Surveying rural villages had been my main assignment as a volunteer at Top Holiday, a non-profit organization situated at Yogyakarta. I had seen many villages that one can deem unsuitable for subsistence. Aside from surveys, organizing donations was another responsibility of mine.

My proudest achievement was initiating a fundraising event to support the villagers of Mount Bromo. I settled on selling traditional cakes that the people of Bromo had taught me. My decision was based on my first sample of these cakes, it totally flipped me over.

I had to organize and lead a sales team despite lacking the experience. I exercised all the selling techniques that I could recall from my business book, incorporating various promotions such as free sampling to draw customers.

As a result, we sold 120 cakes throughout the day, using the money to supply sandals and jackets for the entire 28 residents of Bromo. I chose to give sandals, after observing that most residents walked barefoot, scraping their feet against pebbles on the dirt road. Jackets are of paramount importance, serving them warmth in the midst of the frosty climate uphill.

Ecstatic faces greeted my group as we delivered the gifts . The jackets had allowed them to work longer hours, specifically the elderly who often have predicaments working with the cold. The sandals gave them the versatility to travel to further neighbouring villages with convenience.

Subsequently, I earned the opportunity to implement my business skills and experience the responsibility of being a leader. The warmth of the villagers' smile provided an aesthetic pleasure, dispensing a spiritually-healing ambiance. Understanding that happiness isn't all about self-pleasure, but can sprout from making others smile, was my finest lesson.

Good work Gio. I don't see anything else that we can do with this essay in terms of revising the content. The discussion is already "perfect" and will work very well in your favor in terms of propping up your application. If I were to ask you to fix one last thing, it will be the format of the essay. While you did very well in dividing the paragraphs, you accidentally ended up separating the topics that should have been discussed together in a paragraph. So I will give you the paragraph partners below. All you have to do, is combine the paragraphs / bring the specific paragraphs together so that the essay will have a smooth flow of related topics being discussed. I will give you the first sentence and the last sentence that should go together. By the way, I found a few typos you can address as well.

The bus screeched ... of dirts DIRT stood...My decision was ...

I had to organize... Jackets are were of ... frosty climate uphill ... The sandals gave ... neighbouring NEIGHBORING villages ...

Subsequently, I earned...was my finest lesson.

So the essay should only be composed of 3 paragraphs. This format will make the essay tighter to focus on and help the reviewer get through the written content faster, but with his eye on the details of your response. Once you apply these changes, you don't even have to ask me for permission anymore, you can go ahead and submit it for consideration with the rest of your application.

thankyou i appreciate your help :)