FIT admissions essay. I would really appreciate some suggestions on my essay.

*This is just the beginning of my rough draft for my essay and i would really appreciate some feedback.*

Prompt: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)

The earliest childhood memory I have is of me in my parent's room, climbing up onto their sink and smearing on my mom's bright red lipstick; I thought I was the cutest looking 5-year-old. It took my dad everything he had to stop laughing long enough to snap a picture. My dad used to tell me how my love for makeup came from his mom how she would rock a red lip everywhere she would go. My dad taught me many things in the 16 years I had him in my life. He taught me to stand up for what I believe in and to always work hard to get to where I want in life. I would thrive in the kind of environment FIT provides for its students. I am very competitive, independent, I know how to rationalize to accomplish my goals and most importantly I never stop trying. The experience that FIT provides is incomparable, while at FIT I would love take advantage of the internships related to cosmetics and the fact that the professors have real life experience is something that greatly appeals to me.

Furthermore, I am interested in majoring in advertising and marketing communications because in my early years of high school I was very shy and every day I would dread going to school. I felt like I didn't have a voice like I was trapped and couldn't express myself. To me this field is an art and my form of self-expression that I so desperately craved in high school. After I finish my associates I plan to get my bachelors in fragrance and cosmetic marketing so I can incorporate the two things I love into my career.

Hey Nancy, its always difficult to write such essays as words are limited and we do not know where to start and how to write and sometimes we miss important points. As this is your first draft, but you did pretty well. So here are my suggestions, your writing is good, you just need to add information here. I liked your starting point but I doubt if it fits here. It doesn't describe any of your characteristics like independent, hard working, rationalization, etc. all which you mentioned. It would be great if instead you can provide an example which itself will speak all these characteristics. You are short of words and you have to say something about your accomplishments, activities and some professional experiences. So try to add those here. Some factual information, like what do you mean by real life experiences of professors? Summarize or write some point to point sentences. This explains your love though but your prompt asked you to add accomplishments or any experience in school life. Also, last paragraph could be re framed into like you want to overcome your fears, as you need to portray yourself as the best candidate for them. Do not elaborate too much on your school part that how you were shy but rather focus on how you are planning to overcome those fears and how the school and course will help you. Hope this helps. Keep writing:)

Hello,

As you may know, FIT is one of the most applied to schools for fashion and the marketing/advertising program there is extremely competitive. I have had helped several students successfully get into this program and the key is to really illustrate, through your essays, that you are a creative thinker. You started this by talking about putting on your mother's lipstick, but it needs to be followed through and strengthened. You need to show that you have a continued and sustained track record of creativity and how the resources at FIT will help you if you are to have a strong chance of admissions. -selective admissions