Hi there everybody. I was hoping you guys would be able to take a look at my McCombs essays. I know its kind of short notice since they are due on monday, but I just found out about this website like 10 minutes ago.
The first essay is the statement of Purpose
Essay #1:
As a 16-year-old high school senior, college was a very daunting proposition. Would I fit in? Would I survive the rigorous academics? Am I prepared to make the collegiate choices that would determine the rest of my life? Admittedly, I didn't think I was ready, and I struggled with the idea of packing up and leaving my family and the life I knew at such a young age. I was scared. I didn't know what I wanted to be, what career I wanted to choose or the life I wanted to lead.
I applied to the colleges that I thought would fit me the best academically and the result of that was that many of my choices were hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from my family. The thought of being alone in a new, unfamiliar city and being much younger than anyone I would meet at my new academic institution was disheartening to say the least. As a result of this, I made the decision that I would take a year away from school so that I would be better prepared for such an undertaking at a more fitting age.
But that was not meant to be. Soon, a blessing in disguise arrived in the mail, which was not a letter of acceptance to UT Austin, but a rejection. While at first glance it might have been very unfortunate news, the inclusion of an offer into the CAP program was my blessing. By accepting this offer and spending the first year of college at UT Arlington, all my fears of college life would be negated because I would be able to live at home while still getting my education. I realized that the CAP program would let me experience and become acclimated to everything in college before eventually making the switch to Austin in the following fall semester.
So I have spent the last semester-and-a-half at UT Arlington, and it has most definitely been an educational experience. I joined a CAP Freshman Interest Group to acclimate myself and meet other students who would be transferring to Austin. Through researching the different majors that would be available to me when I arrived at Austin, I found out about the non-guaranteed majors, such as McCombs. Business had always been one of my areas of interest, and it is something that all the male members of my family have centered on in their occupations. I found that the prestige, competitive admittance policies and aggressive level of academics in McCombs were exactly what I was looking for.
Since being here at UT Arlington, I have reached the point in my life where I am ready to take my education to the next level and I feel that McCombs is where I can reach that level.
********END OF ESSAY********
I guess my own criticisms of it are that it might be too vague and too short. The ending is also a little bit wonky, but I just really wasn't sure what to put there.
I also joined a fraternity last semester, but I don't know if that would be a something worth noting in the essay. I'm not sure if academic institutions frown on greek life as a whole.
I don't know if I should somehow talk about the rigor of my classes or anything like that.
as for the second essay... I haven't started writing that one yet. I'm kind of hitting a stump as to what topic I should write about. I was thinking of writing about the issues of the social security system and the baby boomers or maybe the overmedication of america (i.e. the adderall and sleeping medications that everyone seems to have).
"Choose an issue of importance to you the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community or your generation."
Thanks for any help you guys can give me!
You are an excellent writer! You did a great job connecting the ending to your thesis statement. My only piece of advice would be to use a stronger first sentence, if you were going to college early, as it seems you are saying, make sure it is clear.
As for your second essay, what are you passionate about? (I really like the "Over Medication of America) As soon as you settle on a topic, I think the rest will come easily for you.
And we're here to help :)
Your essay is excellent. Great style, solid grammar, and you stay on-topic. For the second one, the key, as Kevin said, is to find something that you are passionate about. After all, the topic asks you to pick an issue that is important to you. The over-medication of America topic is a strong choice because it isn't a topic that comes up that often in the media, at least not compared to the other two options you listed. Also, you seem to know people whom you think are over-medicated, so you might be able to inject a personal element into your essay if wrote about it.
