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"Mission accomplishment " - UT Austin Transfer, Statement of Purpose


marine_007 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2010   #1
Hi, I am simply looking for feedback on a statement of purpose essay I am writing as a transfer for the University of Texas at Austin. Besides assistance with any grammatical errors, I would like to know if it is too much or not enough.

Narrative is as follows:

Mission accomplishment is the mindset I adapted throughout my eight-year obligation to the United States Marine Corps. As a fifth-generation Texan and veteran, I pledge the same standard of aforementioned honor, courage, and commitment to the University of Texas at Austin. At the University of Texas at Austin, I intend to employ my military sophistication and passion for International Relations and Global Studies to the following areas of research and analysis: conflict, international law and organization, international political economy, and foreign policy. I am enlightened to cognize that much of the text utilized by the University of Texas at Austin International Relations and Global Studies program focuses on the foundation of state activities and conduct as well as interaction amongst independent states.

I will hit the ground running to meet all criteria characterized by the College of Liberal Arts' International Relations and Global Studies degree program, and assist in coordinating international forum aspired organizations. Currently, I am in the initial phases of outlining prototypes for two global frameworks in which I am directly active: Model International Organization (MIO) and World Echoes.

Upon graduation from the University of Texas at Austin in the Fall 2012, I will enter the Graduate School's dual degree program in lieu of a Law and Global Policy Studies component, JD/MGPS. In myself I see a future diplomat and public servant of the United States of America that can and will help make the world a better place both foreign and domestically.
kiasohma - / 2  
Dec 27, 2010   #2
Before asking if it's too much or not, I need to know the word limit of the essay. If, let's say 250 is the limit, I would say it's perfect, but if it's, say, 750, you should probably write more.

"I will hit the ground running to meet all criteria of the College of Liberal Arts" <-- Personally, I like this.

I think your essay is sincere and the points get across; the overall attitude that shows through the essay is also very determined, so that's a thumbs up. The only thing you have to look out for is your commas and words. I feel like they may be words that you can cut out, or at the very least start a new sentence with because sometime while I was reading this I did get lost in the wordiness of the response.

Overall, I really like it; another thing I get from this is that you are very strong-willed :)
OP marine_007 1 / 2  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
Shouma, thank you for replying. I apologize for not mentioning the length previously. The essay length is preferred to be a page or under; just as long as it is well developed. Having said that, when you referred to wordiness, what changes would you have made.
OP marine_007 1 / 2  
Jan 3, 2011   #4
This a second draft for Statement of Purpose essay for the University of Texas at Austin. There is a 120 line limit but can be a page or less as long as it forms good ideas.


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