I was five years of old when my whole world collapsed - UF "good life" essay

My grammar is horrible :( please help me

ESSAY
In a concise narrative, describe your notion of 'the good life'. How will your undergraduate experience at the University of Florida prepare you to live 'the good life'?

START>>>> I was five years of old when my whole world collapsed. Led into a new country and away from Vietnam by my parents, I encountered strange people with countenances and languages from my own. I was at loss for what to do with the situation that I found myself in-a new home that was in every way contradictory to my old life. While in the process of adjusting to my new life I was soon faced with another challenging problem: school. Being the new kid in school and having a limited English vocabulary wasn't easy. Everyday was strenuous as I felt detached from the events around me it was like I was an invisible observer tasked with doing what everyone else was doing but is limited to certain interactions with the people around me.

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Thanks! Is this better? I'm afraid I'll exceed the word limit (400-500) and the deadline is coming up soon so I can't just scratch this essay and start a new one :(

START>>>>[...] Everyday was strenuous as I felt detached from the events around me it was like I was an invisible observer tasked with doing what everyone else was doing but is limited to certain interactions with the people around me.I felt that my life was a disarray. The five year old me thought that this point in my life was the lowest. I mean, how can one achieved happiness without their favorite toy or food? But, as the year progress my communication skills gradually improved with the help of my supportive parents and teachers and I started opening up to my classmates. Soon I was making new friends and shattering my "quiet girl" image left and right. It slowly started to dawn on me that I am still overall satisfied and happy in my new home and that the things I missed from Vietnam were the materialistic ones. What made me truly happy were the new friends I made at Gilchrist elementary and my family. This experience made me redefine my concept of "the good life" from one that's materialistic to that of how I view it today. Personally, I believe that making new friends, living life with no regrets, and being surrounded by the people most important to you is the most fulfilling aspects of life.

At the end of our lives, we all want to look back at the past and have a sense of satisfaction of our choices and accomplishments. The question is how do we accomplish this. As individuals our notion of "the good life" is unique to each individuals whose views are defined by their experiences, values, and aspirations. As an undergraduate at the University of Florida I would be given a chance to make new friends from different geographical location cans culture. It'll also would provide me the chance to be in a new environment where I can gain self-sufficiency while still be close enough to Tallahassee for me to visit my family and friends. The University of Florida had always been the university that I wanted to go to since I was a freshmen in high school. I believe that in order to have a "good life" I should make choices that I wouldn't regret in the future so if given the chance to become a gator I would take it with no hesitation.The University of Florida will help me grow as an individual and expand on my aspirations and definition of a "good life".

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Vy, when is the deadline? Don't be afraid to go over the word limit if you have to. In fact, it is even better to have the essay go over the word count during the drafting stage because it gives us more room to play around with editing and deleting. We will help you bring the word count to within limits. Go over the word count if you feel you have to. Don't be afraid, we will assist you in fixing it :-)

Your current essay is a great improvement over the previous one because you were able to show how your idea of the good life changed as you moved to a new country. This works because it shows an increased sense of maturity and understanding on your part and also gives the admissions officer an insight into the kind of personality you have. I would work more on the last part though. The way you describe how UF will help you continue to redefine the good life is quite unclear, shallow, and lacking in substance. You need to fix those if you are to continue making a good impression of yourself to the admissions officer :-)

Thanks for the help so much!!! The deadline is November 1 but i was advised to submit my application earlier in case of a server crash :D