Feedback anyone? Also, how can I cut this down a bit? It's supposed to be approx. 150 words, but its 209...
Prompt: Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.
A flash of black and white rolled by stopped at my feet. I picked up the ball and threw it back to the players, noticing their swift, graceful formations. I felt an odd, almost magnetic pull, towards the field and I suddenly ran and joined the game. Although it was clear after a few passes that soccer was not an innate talent for me, the pull of the sport grew stronger within me, and I treasured every practice. My stumbles on the field had the effect of a tonic rather than cause for sorrow, and my spirits rose as I improved increasingly. My teammates encouraged me more as they acknowledged my improvement, and I discovered the source of the 'pull': it was the synergy of the team, the delight of being part of a group in which every individual needed each other and shared a common sense of direction and community that attracted me. It is comparable to a flock of geese; the uplift created by the whole flock adds 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone. It is this 'pull' that has given me the passion for my other endeavors as a student, athlete, and member of my community, and I continue to cherish it.
Prompt: Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.
A flash of black and white rolled by stopped at my feet. I picked up the ball and threw it back to the players, noticing their swift, graceful formations. I felt an odd, almost magnetic pull, towards the field and I suddenly ran and joined the game. Although it was clear after a few passes that soccer was not an innate talent for me, the pull of the sport grew stronger within me, and I treasured every practice. My stumbles on the field had the effect of a tonic rather than cause for sorrow, and my spirits rose as I improved increasingly. My teammates encouraged me more as they acknowledged my improvement, and I discovered the source of the 'pull': it was the synergy of the team, the delight of being part of a group in which every individual needed each other and shared a common sense of direction and community that attracted me. It is comparable to a flock of geese; the uplift created by the whole flock adds 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone. It is this 'pull' that has given me the passion for my other endeavors as a student, athlete, and member of my community, and I continue to cherish it.
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