Topic : Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized that have helped to define you as a person?
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"Of course there are, but..." She trailed off. Her eyes reflected a gaze that of puzzled thoughtfulness as she bit her lower lip unconsciously, trying to embody her conception into words, and soon enough she returns your question with a question. "...why do you only ask of such experiences? Shouldn't each incident, whether how inconspicuous, has helped in creating our own person?"
When you spoke of significant, the first pages of my memory book open in an instant. The worn leaves and ink tell the story at those times when I felt awfully incompetent, when I shed my tears, when I took happiness part by part and thanked God for every blessing. Whereas when you spoke of accomplishments, we turn to the middle chapters and find gold pages written on with fine ink of pride-filled and triumphant recorded memoirs. But as we read the latter pages, you saw I labeled each chapter of it as the summation of everything that had been written before and asked, "Why is every sentence overlapping?"
"It is what it is-the result of everything significant that keeps redefining half of me."
"And where does the other half come from?"
I simply smile, "Fleeting memories."
We, as people, do not live in this world as we are. Constantly changing, consistently searching for new ideas, prominent incidents alone cannot depict a fragment of us as they are also made from plain, forgotten beginnings. Rather, in each passing second of our lives, whether we know it or not, even an unmindful glance on the road had already started to change our perspective on the world.
"Sometimes, the incidents we remember the least make the greatest impression on us."
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I think instead of writing an essay, I wrote it like a literary piece. Is that bad? ek.
And I feel like I need to expand more on the subject since I wrote it too general.
Please do help me on this one. I would be more willing to rewrite the whole thing if you tell me to! :]
Thank you very much!
This is very original and well-written, and with some polishing could be an excellent piece for some other purpose. However, it is essentially a refusal to answer the prompt, and so not likely to go down well with the admissions officers.
So you mean to say I need to think of another answer? :]
And if I do, may I still post it here for you to check?
Sorry for asking too much!
Thanks for taking time to comment!
I'd try taking another shot at this, making sure to focus on one or more particularly striking experience or accomplishment that you think demonstrates something good about.
Of course you can post it here. That's what the site is for.
You're not asking too much at all. That's what the site is for.
Good luck with your new draft.
Be sure to answer the question
^
I wish I did it correctly.
I feel like I drifted farther away from the question.
:]]
@Sean
thank you!
I hope this one is adequate.
:)
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How was it?
I think I used the - a little too much. :)
Hmmm. Now you have two powerful pieces with two very different tones. I actually liked the first and thought that it could be salvaged if, toward the end, you became more specific.
This second one is again very original, demonstrating your creative ability with language (although you will need to clean up the grammar so that deliberate sentence fragments don't look like errors.) But I worry that it might be almost too vivid in its emotionality. I'd like to hear what others think.
Clearly, though, you can write. So, it's just a matter of hitting on the right story and message to which to apply your creative writing ability. So, don't despair if this goes through a few iterations. You're going to end up with a very strong essay by the end of the process, I can already tell.
Some concrete narrative anecdotes would really help here. So, show us in the beginning how you would help people even when doing so harmed you. Then, give us a complete anecdote about how you realized that this was perhaps a bit foolish. Finally, add an anecdote that shows, rather than tells, us your new attitude towards helping. At the moment, I find your latest essay a bit too abstract, talking about your feelings and your attitudes without grounding them in details that allow us to really see what those feelings and attitudes mean.
Thank you so much!! both of you really helped me with this one. Though I suspect I still fail to reach your expectation.
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Do you think I should still stick with the Scrooge concept? Or is it too weak?
I tried fitting the anecdotes, I hope it's still smooth.
I think there are many "rough" parts.
I'm still hoping to hear what others think about this piece. I really appreciate the quality of your writing. My only concern is that the level of negative emotion expressed might be off-putting to some readers. I'd really like some other opinions on this.
I'd just like to say that you're an incredible writer. My essay is on a similar topic, but you just expressed it so WELL!
Your writing is very relatable and honest, which should be appealing to any competent admissions officer. I would add a central anecdote to your essay, though, in order to make your thoughts more concrete. People pick up concepts through examples, so provide a particular experience that links to your essay, and I'd say your golden :]
Also, I agree with EF_Simone that there should be slightly less negative emotion in your essay. Think less self-deprecitation, and more realization. :)
Your writing is strong, but again, I am not sure how well it fits the prompt. It doesn't relate to a significant experience or accomplishment as it is written right now. It does define you as a person to a certain extent, but I am not sure that the persona you are putting forth is the one you want admissions officers to see.
When I was reading your essay, the main points I took away from it were: you are a very good writer; a caring and giving person; someone who is easily taken advantage of and makes herself sick working for others; someone who is bitter when they don't feel gratitude.
You say at one point that you felt ostracized, but I don't know why. It sounds like you interacted with others (even if it was to serve them) and that your time spent indoors was of your own volition.
It would work better if you could show more of a paradigm shift. You say that you had an epiphany, but I don't feel the redemption in your essay. You say that loving and respecting yourself is the key to helping others, but I am not feeling the love and respect for yourself in this piece.
I see what Simone is saying about the negative emotion. As a reader, it leaves me feeling like everything was not resolved in the end.
Thank you all for your feedbacks!
Yes, for some reason, everything I write comes out negative at the moment.
I'm starting to believe that I'm actually a very bitter person. :]]
Thank you so much really :]
Though I didn't change many things here, I tried to change the mood in the end to a positive one. And I hope that that paragraph is okay for an example.
Also, I removed 'ostracized'. And did a little bit of tweaks here and there.
I really hope this is already in the level of satisfactory because the deadline is tomorrow. XD.
I can't edit it anymore if I want to. But I really want to hear your opinions! :]
thank you again all so much!!
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Some people may associate the word stooge with the name Scrooge when heard for the first time-simply because it rhymes. Whereas I, the stooge that I was, wish that it really is-simply because at least I would've had my dignity back then.
Cold-hearted, tight-fisted and selfish-everything that I wasn't that some people took for granted; even those friends who I thought cared for me the most.
I was blind, naïve and basically believed the 'good' in every person. I love to help people. I love doing it so much that when I do, I indubitably lose sight of myself. I always believed in the adage "you reap what you sow". Despite knowing that in life that there are some bad seeds, I didn't mind as long as I kept caring for them- even if they didn't grow back.
I spent sleepless nights doing whatever what was asked of me. I slept so late at times that I even fail whatever exams that were put my way the next-or later that day. Despite the added workload, I still feel wholly contented that I am able to at least be of some use to someone. I wanted appreciation yet I still kept up a composed and happy façade. I felt that my hard work was overlooked.
My moment of epiphany came when I realized that the world did not move the same pace I did. They didn't slave themselves overnight for others to the point they couldn't keep their heads from falling the next day. They didn't even spend time sitting inside the classroom stressing themselves for others' requests whilst they see those same people outside, enjoying every second of the day. The blood had gone cold inside my numb hand. Over and over, the repeating scenarios, the blurring images inside and the torrent thoughts of resentment melded-facts came crashing down to reality.
My thoughts had began to change. The words of rejection that came out from my mouth felt so foreign yet fulfilling. I learned how to differ the rational from the irrational favors. Though it seems impudent, my little drop of ego had expanded to a puddle. I realized that some people were dependent on me-the same me who had thought of myself as someone who needed others to take care of her. But that wasn't actually the case. That wasn't it at all. I became extremely proud of this fact.
As a person, I know deserve respect. I believe that people should not strip away the dignity from the human, or the trust that has been, and will always be, the foundation of any social interaction. From the day of realization till present, this has been my own personal maxim.
People have varying concepts of kindness, and not all people have a sense of gratitude; whereas people can very easily put on false façades. With these thoughts in mind, one can't help but question if there are hidden motives behind their kind gestures or friendly actions. I also realized that people's behavior cannot be dictated by expectations. A good deed does not necessarily beget another good deed.
I unconsciously measure my self-worth in terms of how other people reciprocate my helpful actions. Thus, every time a deed goes unnoticed or is not duly acknowledged, I feel a tinge of sadness. What my previous experiences have taught me is that self-worth is not about how others treat you. It is about how you see yourself. My love for helping others is an underlying trait in me. Although I may not get the gratitude I expect, I will not allow this to influence how I see myself. Helping others is not about filling a void within your self. It is only when you love and respect yourself that you can truly be able to help others.
"You can only give away what you already have inside yourself."
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I want to slap myself. haha.
Thank you so much for your help!!
I'm starting to believe that I'm actually a very bitter person.
Everybody feels bitter sometimes. If it goes too far, though, it can eat you up inside. So, for personal comfort, it can be helpful to try to figure out where that's coming from and make some cognitive changes. Our concern, however, is your writing. For creative writing, expressing bitterness vividly can lead to powerful prose. But, for an application essay, one wants to avoid highlighting such emotions.
Thank you :].
Life has its ups and downs, I guess.
By the way, does my essay still come out as negative?
Thank you so much by the way.
Really, I can't thank you guys enough.
WOW! u can write.
both of these do show that :D
i did like the 1st one better though!
i mean, from a writers pov my real fav. is the 2nd, but from an admissions pov, u should try to maybe work with the 2nd one as someone wrote above. make it more specific toward the end. u got very "50 essays" toward the end.
theyre rlyy great!!!