FSU prompt, focused on Artes aspect (Beauty of Intellectual Pursuits)

Knowledge Hunt FSU App. I need a review of my final draft.

The beauty of intellectual pursuits is something that I greatly value. Although there is no true end to the hunt, there are many satisfying victories along the way.

One of the reasons, I find knowledge so fascinating is because of its ability to open up new doors for people. My parents never went to college; they never had the opportunity or the time. Regardless, they encouraged me to attain an education, to expand my horizons, and to diversify my knowledge across many fields. One of the most significant things I have realized is that learning is not confined within the classroom. I have learned about different cultures by experiencing them firsthand. I have seen what it truly means to be a citizen, actively participating in my community.

The art of chasing knowledge is one of the main influences that has drawn me to the field of psychology. I find the human mind to be an amazing tool, capable of limitless possibilities. Yet, there are so many secrets behind it. The human brain is responsible for creating great things such as vaccines and seedless watermelons, but is equally responsible for things such as the atomic bomb or slavery. I hope one day I will be able to contribute something to the understanding of our brains and ourselves as a community.

Furthermore, learning has not only provided me with knowledge of my world but also of myself. Although it is important to learn about your surroundings, I also find it vital and rewarding when you take the time to gain knowledge in things you are personally interested in. For instance, I love music; and decided to learn to play guitar through my own lessons. Once I saved up enough money, I bought a guitar and started to learn the basics- strings, scales, chords, and the like. Though it was difficult, I continued to chase my musical dreams until I got better and better. Unfortunately, I am not the next Jimi Hendrix, but at least I can say I know how to play guitar.

Through my intellectual pursuits, I have uncovered an interest in the workings of the human brain, I have discovered what values and ideals are important to me, and I have concluded that I do not possess the necessary abilities in order to become a guitar god. Most importantly, I've realized that there's so much more to learn.

It was great that you provided several different examples, however I felt that you provided examples without going too deep in all of them. Maybe add a sentence or two about your personal experience, for example I really like what you wrote about your love for baseball, and your height disadvantage led you to other things. Continue that with the other sentences

Use paragraphs. That is the way to hit the reader will solid doses of information.

In the first paragraph, discuss the main message you want them to remember. For example, it might be this: I found artes in the pursuit of basketball and guitar, two challenging pursuits that have helped me understand human creativity.

In the next few paragraphs, use this rule:
one paragraph = one idea.

The idea of each paragraph supports the main idea from the thesis. You might have one about basketball and another about guitar.

But do not write it as one long paragraph or it will be a mess. :-)

Hi! i just finished my first draft on this topic for fsu as well! i really liked your essay and how you stuck to one of the topics, artes right? the only thing i would suggest here is connecting a little more on how your life IS artes. U have it all laid out you just need to connect the information.

I have just finished the first rough draft on this topic for fsu too! I also focused primarily on artes. You gave a better idea of what it should look like and how I should probably add some stuff about intellectual pursuits in my life. As suggestion from me I would say you might want to add maybe something about how art has actually affected your life. I say this because it says "the intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, art, or craft" You might want to add something about a particuar skill. Antoher common factor about my essay and yours is that we both are interested in psychology. However, I am especially interested in art therapy.

scratch what I said. I didn't catch the part about the guitar, my bad. In that case I think this essay is well put together and flows very well.