Football/Asian/High School experience; Georgia Tech- Roommate letter

I write this letter to my future college roommate with the intention of giving him/her a better understanding of who I am.
It's a Sunday, I get home from our first outdoor workout for football and I think about how my senior year on the football team will turn out, will it be the same as how it always has been? All-stars trying to fight each other about being a leader and talking with whoever is within distance about how the freshman can't catch a ball and doesn't even have cleats on. Will the coaches talk nonstop about how excited they about hitting season, will it be the same? Then it hit me. When I went to practice that day and saw all the incoming freshman, I thought of myself during my freshman year, coming to the first practice with the appearance of no athletic skills what-so-ever, Asian, short, clueless. I saw myself when I saw all the incoming freshman today, nervous, questioning what the coach was really even yelling about. My footprints were being followed.

I was terrified when entering high school, especially a school where only a fraction of my friends were tagging along, but still, I was worried. I didn't really have a club or athletic team that I really wanted to join, I was lost. One of my friend's somehow convinced me to come play on the high school football team, I have never played full contact football, nevertheless even have touched a football helmet. Next thing I know, it was the first day of practice, my helmet and pads were in one hand and my cleats in the other. I still felt like the outlier, I had my best friends on the team, but I was still nervous. I was seen as that player who was forced to join because my parents said I had to do something during the summer.

After my first year on the football team, I stuck with it and did anything I could to get better. My junior varsity year I was given the opportunity to be the starting receiver, I didn't expect myself to be the all-star, but I just wanted to be respected. During my sophomore year and junior year, I began to realize that football was not just a sport that was great because of its contact, or how many fans it could gather, but just the way it brings different types of students together, from the students who had nothing to do and just followed their classmates, the students who did it for the girls and popularity, the students that were shooting for college football and beyond, and then there was me. I stood out, I wasn't like my teammates, but I managed to connect with them every single practice. I had fun with my team. When you look at me, I was never the player to look the part, I was the short little Asian kid who never had a chance in contact sports, I was part of the Science Olympiad team and I wasn't considered a jock. Football has not only taught me that hard work will bring success, but that it has shaped me to spread out among the classmates I interact with, it has shaped me to be able to talk with teachers that I just met, it has shaped me to try new things in life for the sake of curiosity.

So here I am, I ask myself, what do I want to gain from all that I have done for the past three years? Do I want to be the player that was looking for that football scholarship? Do I want to be that player who did it for varsity letter and jersey? No, I wanted none of those things. I have always been told that what makes a person great is what you can influence upon others, and that is exactly what I want, I want to prove the clichĂŠ that hard work will always work harder than talent. That respect can only be earned through what you can do in the present and how you use it for your future. That experiences like high school football is just a step towards what one wants in life. I have learned all this from experiencing the connection among so many of my classmates.

replace first bit with this. never say "then it hit me". come on, really?

It's a Sunday, I get home from our first outdoor workout for football and I think about how my senior year on the football team will turn out. Will it be the same as it always has been? Will the coaches talk nonstop about how excited they about hitting season, will it be the same? Will all-stars try to fight each other about how to lead the team, and talk with whoever is within earshot about how a freshman can't catch a ball and doesn't even have cleats on, as they always have?

I suddenly realized that I once wasn't so different from these freshmen that were always been made fun of. When I went to practice that day and saw all the incoming freshman, I thought of myself during my freshman year, coming to the first practice with the appearance of no athletic skills what-so-ever, Asian, short, clueless. I saw myself when I saw all the incoming freshman today, nervous, questioning what the coach was really even yelling about. My footprints were being followed.

That's all I have time for, but this needs some grammatical adjustments throughout. Try working on it with an English teacher. Otherwise it's a solid essay, you just need to clean it up a bit.

Well... this gives insights about your personality, but it has no reference to your roommate. I mean you don't seem to be talking to him, but talking about your past experiences only. Since this is a letter to the one with whom you are going to share your life for the next three or four years, I wish if you add some lines to build a relationship with him.

I did take that into consideration when suggested. Did not know how much to add. I was told there was some grammar mistakes as well. But unfortunately, I submitted the essay last night. So whatever happens, happens.

Thank you so much for the feedback though.

Submitted:

Dear Future Roommate,
I am excited to be rooming with you for my first year at Georgia Tech, I wrote an experience that would help you get a better understanding of who I really am.

It's a Sunday, I get home from our first outdoor workout for football and I think about how my senior year on the football team will turn out. Will it be the same as it always has been? Will the coaches talk nonstop about how excited they about hitting season, will it be the same? Will all-stars try to fight each other about how to lead the team, and talk with whoever is within earshot about how a freshman can't catch a ball and doesn't even have cleats on, as they always have?

I suddenly realized that I once wasn't so different from these freshmen that were always been made fun of. When I went to practice that day and saw all the incoming freshman, I thought of myself during my freshman year, coming to the first practice with the appearance of no athletic skills what-so-ever, Asian, short, and clueless. I saw myself when I saw all the incoming freshman today, nervous, questioning what the coach was really even yelling about. My footprints were being followed.

I was terrified when entering high school, especially a school where only a fraction of my friends were tagging along, but still, I was worried. I didn't really have a club or athletic team that I really wanted to join, I was lost. One of my friend's somehow convinced me to come play on the high school football team, I have never played full contact football, nevertheless even have touched a football helmet. Next thing I know, it was the first day of practice, my helmet and pads were in one hand and my cleats in the other. I still felt like the outlier, I had my best friends on the team, but I was still nervous. I was seen as that player who was forced to join because my parents said I had to do something during the summer.

After my first year on the football team, I stuck with it and did anything I could to get better. My junior varsity year I was given the opportunity to be the starting receiver, I didn't expect myself to be the all-star, but I just wanted to be respected. During my sophomore year and junior year, I began to realize that football was not just a sport that was great because of its contact, or how many fans it could gather, but just the way it brings different types of students together, from the students who had nothing to do and just followed their classmates, the students who did it for the girls and popularity, the students that were shooting for college football and beyond, and then there was me. I stood out, I wasn't like my teammates, but I managed to connect with them every single practice. I had fun with my team. When you look at me, I was never the player to look the part, I was the short little Asian kid who never had a chance in contact sports, I was part of the Science Olympiad team and I wasn't considered a jock. Football has not only taught me that hard work will bring success, but that it has shaped me to spread out among the classmates I interact with, it has shaped me to be able to talk with teachers that I just met, it has shaped me to try new things in life for the sake of curiosity.

So here I am, I ask myself, what do I want to gain from all that I have done for the past three years? Do I want to be the player that was looking for that football scholarship? Do I want to be that player who did it for varsity letter and jersey? No, I wanted none of those things. I have always been told that what makes a person great is what you can influence upon others, and that is exactly what I want, I want to prove the clichĂŠ that hard work will always work harder than talent. That respect can only be earned through what you can do in the present and how you use it for your future. That experiences like high school football is just a step towards what one wants in life. I have learned all this from experiencing the connection among so many of my classmates.

Even though we have not even met, I hope we will both enjoy our first year at Georgia Tech together.

Sincerely,
Albert Foo