I am a member in many extracurricular activities. The extracurricular activity I enjoy the most is football. I am a four year starter at Saint Francis Preparatory School as a running back. I made my own goals as a student-athlete. My main goal was to maintain good grades and be a successful as a football player. My school year consists of hard work all year and minimum amounts of free time. My focus in school transfers to my success playing football. My development as a football player enhances my leadership qualities. I am a captain of the football team, and my job is to be a leader. My work ethic and high energy improves the way my teammates play. This year we had a very successful season, and I am happy I led my team to great success.
about 140 words
any suggestions/comments will be appreciated.
thanks,
Bobby
Try combining sentences to get a smoother style. Also, try reworking some of the sentences so that they don't all begin with either "I" or "My."
For example, you could start out by rewriting the first part of your essay thusly: I participate in many extracurricular activities, but the one I enjoy the most is football. I am a four year starter at Saint Francis Preparatory School as a running back. As a student-athlete, I often had to set my own goals .
The phrase "four year starter" is confusing. Do you mean that you played as the starting running back for four years, or that you are currently in fourth year, and are a running back? Revise for clarity.
"My school year consists of hard work all year and minimum amounts of free time" What does this have to do with football, or your participation in it? Did you become a football player to avoid having free time? Do you resent the fact that you were in so many activities that you had so little free time? Did you consider football as something fun that you did in time that you considered free? This is a problem with the rest of the essay too; your ideas are only loosely connected. The others are at least clearly related to the topic, but the transitions from one idea to the next are rough. Try smoothing them out in the next draft.
Thank you Sean for your help. I appreciate your honesty over my first draft.
New Draft:
I participate in many extracurricular activities, but the one I enjoy the most is football. As a student-athlete, I often had to set my own goals. Starting at the varsity level as a running back was a top goal of mine. High energy and tremendous work ethic are two great qualities to have whenever you want to attain a personal goal. As a sophomore, the goal of becoming a starting running back was accomplished. I was considered an impact player through my sophomore and junior seasons. By my senior year, my premier achievement was made. I was a selected captain for my senior season. This occurrence enhanced my ability as a leader. I feel that my experience of high school football taught me good lessons in life like perseverance, dedication, and honor.
(132 words/150 words)
More comments and suggestions will be great!
Thanks again.
This is good. You can add one more sentence to connect it all to your plans for the school to which you are applying...
Playing football at the collegiate level is my next goal, and I will bear my passion to compete.
That is my last sentence, making it 150/150.
Should I keep this or no?
The second half of your last sentence doesn't really make sense. You could just stop after "goal." Alternatively, you could replace "bear" with "maintain."
