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'Footsteps' - Common app essay



gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
Footsteps

A din of chatter and traffic noise swallows up the hollow sound of my sneakers treading the pavement. Amid the swarm of faces on the sidewalk, I am almost inconspicuous. I get occasional glances, some more welcoming than others, some filled with curiosity, and some as hostile as the hot sun on my neck. It does not matter to me. In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds as they resume their ruminations.

I saunter towards the graffiti covered door sandwiched between the Fields Corner Library and Magic Wok Takeout. Up the stairs is the Dorchester Youth Collaborative, a far cry from the reading room of the library next door. I got used to the plaster paint chips crashing from the ceiling and to the broken floorboards creaking beneath me. Here, I feel like I belong; I feel like my footsteps are heard. They certainly are, because the creaking brings my presence to the attention of other teenagers lounging in the arcade room. They nonchalantly nod to me. I snake my way to the back room, drop my bag on the salvaged remains of a kitchen counter, and plug my iPod into a pair of speakers. September by Earth, Wind & Fire instantly blasts across the room, replacing the chaos of the street below. I bounce to the funk music, my feet snap into motion, and my body follows suit.

My eyes close and my mind clears, I drift into an ecstatic state of consciousness. I let the melody carry my body to the floor and, as my feet swiftly shuffle, the only thing connecting me to reality is the coldness of the floor on my hands. Breakdancing becomes a refuge for me, a place where my footsteps echo with passion. In the six minutes and thirty two seconds of the track playing, I am awake, alive, and aware. My freestyle moves are highlighted by the sound my sneakers generate against the floor. Even with the ear-damaging volume of the song, I find myself listening to the symphony that my sneakers create as they synchronize with the smack of the snare drum.

Growing up, I struggled with uncovering my innate gifts. I felt less than average, because even average people have talent. What did I have? Nothing. I followed in others' footsteps, hoping, wanting to become like them. The list of things I attempted went on and on. I tried rapping, drawing, soccer, rock climbing, and piano lessons. I strove to be a Renaissance man and ended up a jack of all trades, master of none. It was not until I discovered breakdancing that I began to think of myself as talented. With breakdancing, I found my forte. I danced, I practiced, I improved, I lived. A support system of fellow dancers soon followed. At the Dorchester Youth Collaborative, I found an accepting group of dancers who valued the individuality needed in this style of dance, but who also provided a nurturing environment where we were able to enhance each others' styles. They helped me find my own rhythm, they helped me discover myself, and the beanie caps made me feel wicked cool. As my dancing improved, my self confidence soared. Who would have thought that breakdancing would become the cornerstone in my life?

Now, as I walk home, I still get those intermittent glances. Some are welcoming, some seem hostile. It does not matter to me. In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds, and they cease to exist in mine. Preoccupying me now is the hollow sound of my sneakers against the pavement, and no longer invisible, I harmonize with its inner rhythm. My rhythm.

ahmad999 3 / 6  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
There is no such kind of "ecstatic state" in which you are in your conscious .
In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds, and they cease to exist in mine this phrase is give negative connotation .you should better remove it.

Ending is good and it contains a lesson .good job.But i suggest you to make one more draft of this essay.
OP gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
Hi Ahmad, thank you for taking the time to read my essay.

Now that you mention it, the ecstatic state of mind part does sound a bit off. How about some of these alternatives?
I drift into seventh heaven.
I float into cloud nine.
I drift into a state of bliss/euphoria/some other synonym.
Or would it still sound ok with the sentence removed completely?

If I replace the "In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds, and they cease to exist in mine" with the phrase from the opening, would this repetition work in my favor? "In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds as they resume their ruminations."

Thank you so much again.
OP gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #4
desperate bump. any feedback would be great! thanks :]
estandiaa 2 / 2  
Dec 30, 2011   #5
Hello Gotpho,
I read you essay and here are my taughts (sorry if I am harsh)
- I like how you bring the reader to be with you as you walk the streets and go into Dorchester Youth Collaborative, it really helps to keep the reader interested.

- It might be because English is not my mother tongue, but I feel that you use too many complicated words like ruminations and saunter, just to name a few. Many of these words seem "forced" and hinder the flow of the text. Furthermore, it gives the text a slight bombastic felling. I think you could "relax" a bit your text in order to make it more akin to your topic: breakdance.

- I am not sure to which prompt you are answering, as there are several for the common app essay but, all in all, I think use too much text to describe the surroundings and too little regarding the actual impact of the experience to you and how it changed you. After reading it, I have the feeling all you said with the text was that thanks to breakdance your self-confidence increased. I think you should edit it to focus more in how you changed.

These are my two cents.
Best of luck.
OP gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #6
Hi estandiaa,
Thank you for the feedback! Looking back on my essay, I agree with you on the vocabulary. I guess I got carried away with the thesaurus haha.

I am answering the first prompt "evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you."
Do you have any suggestions on which parts to leave out? I will also try to elaborate more on its impact on me, but essentially this is about my finding my inner rhythm, self confidence included. I appreciate the help. :]
OP gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #7
Hi there! I updated my essay and would love some feedback. Thanks in advance for helping me! :] I am afraid the essay does not tell admissions enough about me. My central message is that breakdancing boosted my self confidence and made me realize that what matters to me is what I think about myself, not what others think about me.

Footsteps
A din of chatter and traffic noise swallows up the hollow sound of my sneakers treading the pavement. Amid the swarm of faces on the sidewalk, I am barely noticeable. I get occasional glances, some curious, some bitter. I shrug them off. In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds as they resume their random thoughts.

I stroll towards the graffiti covered door sandwiched between the Field's Corner Library and Magic Wok Takeout. Up the stairs is the Dorchester Youth Collaborative, a far cry from the reading room of the library next door. I got used to the plaster paint chips crashing from the ceiling and to the broken floorboards creaking beneath me. I snake my way to the back room, toss my bag on the floor, and plug my iPod into a pair of speakers. September by Earth, Wind & Fire instantly replaces the chaos from the street below. I bounce to the funk music for a while. My eyes close and my mind clears. I let the melody carry my body to the floor and, as my feet swiftly shuffle, the only thing connecting me to reality is the coldness of the floor on my hands.

What started out as a sideline hobby grew into a passion. Breakdancing became a refuge for me, a place where my footsteps echo freely. In the six minutes and thirty two seconds of the track playing, I am awake, alive, and aware. My movements are accompanied by the sound of my sneakers against the floor. Even with the deafening volume of the song, I find myself listening to the symphony that my sneakers create as they synchronize with the smack of the snare drum.

Growing up, I struggled with uncovering my innate gifts. I felt less than average, because even average people have talent. What did I have? Nothing. My list of "hobbies" kept growing. I strove to be a Renaissance man and ended up a jack of all trades. It was not until I discovered breakdancing that I began to think of myself as talented. With breakdancing, I found my forte. I danced, I practiced, I improved, I lived.

At the Dorchester Youth Collaborative, I found an accepting group of dancers who valued the individuality needed in this style of dance, but who also provided a nurturing environment where we were able to enhance each others' styles. They helped me find my own rhythm, they helped me discover myself, and the beanie caps made me feel wicked cool. As my dancing improved, my self confidence soared. Who would have thought that breakdancing would become the cornerstone in my life?

Now, as I walk home, I still get those intermittent glances. I shrug them off. In a few seconds I cease to exist in their minds as they resume their random thoughts. Preoccupying my mind is the hollow sound of my sneakers against the pavement, and no longer invisible, I harmonize with its inner rhythm. My rhythm.
hanakml 2 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #8
First, I just want to say that both the first and second drafts you posted are WONDERFULLY written. Your essay really conveys your love for breakdancing and the life lesson it has taught you. The only thing I think needs a bit of improvement is your wording. It can get a bit confusing at times, and doesn't quite flow with the whole vibe of the essay.

Amid the swarm of faces on the sidewalk, I am barely noticeable.

I think you should change the last clause to 'I remain unnoticed'

I got used to the plaster paint chips crashing from the ceiling and to the broken floorboards creaking beneath me

I would change 'got' to 'was'

I let the melody carry my body to the floor and, as my feet swiftly shuffle, the only thing connecting me to reality is the coldness of the floor on my hands.

I'd move the comma to after floor instead of after and.

I find myself listening to the symphony that my sneakers create as they synchronize with the smack of the snare drum.

I would change it to 'symphony created by my sneakers'

and no longer invisible, I harmonize with its inner rhythm.

I would just make this a different sentence. No longer invisible, I harmonize with its inner rhythm.

Hope I could help! And could you take a look at my NYU supplement as well. I'd really appreciate it.
OP gotpho 4 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #9
Thank you so much! I really like your suggestions. I would love to look at your NYU supplement. :]


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