Hello everyone! This is my first rough draft for my common app essay that I will be submitting to colleges. It's a little short (just for now) so I thought I jump on the bandwagon and hear your thoughts and feedback on my essay and what I should ADD, CHANGE, EDIT, LEAVE, KEEP, etc. in order to improve it. (Just give it to me! Lol) I'm hoping to pursue a career in the performing & visual arts and crossing my fingers in hopes of getting into my top choice, Emerson College in Boston, MA. There is a 650 word limit. Thanks again! :)
PROMPT: Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
Standing before a panel of judges, I took a deep breath and smiled nervously.
"You got this," I told myself, trying to ignore the clenching pain in my stomach. No matter how many times I had played this moment out in my head, nothing had prepared me for what was about to happen next. I took a quick glimpse at my mother, who anxiously watched from the front row. The karaoke rendition of Stevie Wonder's For Once In My Life began to play and almost in an instant - I couldn't think of the first verse.
Although I've had a fair amount of terrible audition experiences, I believed that what I had went through that day took the cake. Usually, I pretended to be confident when it came to auditions.This, however, was not the case.I was notified about the audition just a day before and didn't want to refuse the opportunity. With little knowledge of what I had signed up for, I decided to give the gig a shot. No questions asked. But it wasn't until I arrived at the audition the next day that I learned it was actually an audition for The Voice.
"The Voice?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yes ma'm," answered the receptionist as she wrote down my name on the paper attached to her clipboard.
I was mortified. It was too late to turn back now. I felt like changing my name and fleeing the country.
You know, this is a great accomplishment and it's the kind that could be played with... like, you could move the last paragraph to the top and make it the introduction. That would be really intriguing.
The room was becoming increasingly smaller than it did before and No matter how many times I had played this moment out in... The sentence didn't make sense as you had written it, so you should simplify.
Well, your writing is great and I really think you'll make a good impression with this. Now as you complete it, you might do well if you make a strong, clear connection between this experience and the GOALS you're trying to achieve in college. You can show how this experience of being humbled and empowered strengthened your empathy or understanding for people going through that experience. How is that related to your career goals? I'm interested in seeing how you can connect this experience with your professional goals.
: )
So Sabrina, the first thing I noticed about your essay is that it lacks the back story that will lead the reader to the ultimate audition that you participated in. The introduction lacks a sense of importance and urgency on your part. You need to make the admissions officers feel and understand why doing well in this audition was important to you. What were the underlying circumstances? Were you planning on a professional singing career in the future? You mentioned having an agent, are you on the look out for a record deal? Establish the reasons why you have an agent and why you felt compelled to attend this audition. Develop the hook that you feel will make the admissions officer interested in learning more about this story of yours and also, try to find a better title for the essay. Your current title is a good place holder, but not a very effective final title as it is too common in feel. It lacks impact. Remember, the title is the first thing that will make the admissions officer interested in what you have to say. The title is the first part of your introductory hook :-)
There is also a lack of clarity regarding the catalyst of the essay. Were you overcome by stage fright? Why did you forget the lyrics? Were you star struck by the judges? What were their comments? How did those comments affect you? You need to explain those things because you clearly state that this bad audition persuaded you to make changes in your life, but there is a lack of discussion about the reasons both personal and professional, that could have pushed you towards that decision. When you discuss the lessons you learned, make sure to indicate or offer examples relating to how that bad audition and the changes you made to yourself because of it have helped you become a person today. Let the admissions officer in on how you are now a better, self improved version of yourself today because of that failure. Then in conclusion, you can offer a hindsight point of view that perhaps says something about how you are thankful for that bad experience because if you had not failed, you would not have become the person you are today and oh, you just might audition again for The Voice in the future.
Remember, the key to making this an effective essay is to make sure that you deliver the following:
1. The importance of the event to you.
2. The reason you believe you failed.
3. How you overcame the failure and became a better person afterwards. This would be the lesson learned.
Tell the whole story behind the experience without regard for the word count in the drafting stages. You need to make sure that you get your point across completely. Edit the essay for word count as you revise the drafts. I don't care if you go over 650 words, as you edit the essay for content, you will find that you will start deleting unimportant parts and compressing parts that will eventually help you meet the word count. If you have any problems meeting it, we will be here to assist you with the editing of the essay if you want our help :-)
First of all, I would like to thank you both for your wonderful insight and advice. It means a lot! :-)
After reading both of your comments, I realized that my essay does indeed lack a connection between the experience and how it impacted my life professionally and emotionally.
Thanks so much Kevin! You're comment really helped me realize the importance of making a clear connection between an experience and the importance of its effect on your professional goals and personal goals. I felt that my essay was somewhat lacking in that area and understanding.
Louisa, thank you for your amazing feedback. You made a strong point about the admissions officers and how a successful back story and title can grab their attention and make them more attracted to what I have to say. I hadn't realized that my writing didn't fully explain how and why this experience had led me to make changes in my life.
Although this particular experience was embarrassing and did mark me in some way, I'm not sure if it is a good story to demonstrate my professional goals and personal goals. I actually developed an essay before this but hadn't mentioned it initially. I had started writing it before I changed my topic but am now wondering if it's a better story to tell. It's somewhat similar to this one, but I believe it may do a better job. I will continue working on this essay but I would like to see where I can go with this other one. Please give me your advice on how I should continue working on this essay and what I can do to make it better. Looking forward to hearing both of your opinions. This is what I have so far:
First Essay: "Don't Forget The Lyrics"
...
Second Essay: (I haven't decided on a title yet)
Amidst the usual morning hustle during my sophomore year of high school, I stood staring at a single, 8 x 10 inch paper taped against the theater door entrance. It contained the final cast list for my school's original winter production of The Man Who Saved Christmas and after reading and re-reading the list several times, I realized that my name wasn't on it.
I first knew I wanted to be an actress when I dressed up like an orphan in Annie in fourth grade. By high school, I started trying out for parts in the plays, and last year got a supporting role in my school's original and fifties-inspired production of Valentine's & Mistletoe, which was a play based on Jane Austen's novel, Emma.
Although I had dealt with rejection many times before, this was my first time being cut from a club - especially one that had already felt like family to me.
"So, tell me, did you make it?" asked my mom on the other end of the line. At this point, I had ran to the girl's bathroom and called her in one of the stalls. Before I could give her an answer, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I couldn't even talk. I was crushed. I thought my world was over.
TO BE CONTINUED...
The first essay has some grammatical errors and transitory sentence problems but can still be considered a better start to the previous version. While I still feel that you should explain why you have been going on auditions, I feel that the essay at least offers a better glimpse into your mindset at the time. That part however, still needs to be developed in its succeeding paragraphs. Don't use this essay for the current prompt. Save it perhaps for a central identity or free topic prompt. It is a topic that seems to explain who you are and how you became that person rather than a lesson learned.
Your second essay holds more potential towards properly answering the prompt at this point. It contains the back story, the catalyst for the event, and a glimpse into a lesson that can be learned from what happened. You need to develop it further and allow your character development to show. Make sure that there truly is a lesson to be learned from this failure though and that you present it in a manner that will prove to be character building more than anything else.
Good luck with both essays. I am looking forward to reading both versions when you are finally done with them. By the way, don't forget to post them as separate threads. That way the MOD's won't have to delete the second essay in the thread that you started :-)