I used this essay for comp, and i want to shorten it instead of doing a new one. this is about 620 words and i only need 250. please help me shorten it. i'm thinking about taking out the tricks and such, but i don't know what else. thank you
snowboarding made me experience some pain
Snowboarding has been one of my favorite things to do ever since I was young. I first learned to snowboard when I was six years old in Liberty, Maryland. The highlight of my year has always been my family's annual ski trip. Constantly pushing my limits has made snowboarding exciting, but also very dangerous. In January of 2006 I found out firsthand just how dangerous snowboarding could be.
Ever since I was young, I have been snowboarding every year and have a lot of fun. My dad and I go all across the U.S. to several different ski resorts every year. Although my dad sticks to bunny hills, I generally like more of a challenge. Testing my limits made me much better and allowed me to have as much fun as possible. In the past couple of years, I have started doing tricks off of jumps and rails. Two years ago I learned how to do an indy grab, as well as a tail grab and nose grab. Last year in Colorado, I also learned how to 180 off of jumps and onto rails. As I get better, the normal slopes become more and more boring to me. Therefore, I end up going faster and into the tree trails, regardless of the consequences.
On January 26, 2009 I found out the hard way that snowboarding can be a really dangerous sport. My dad and I were in Aspen, Colorado and had only been there for two days. While my dad was in a meeting, I went on a few runs by myself. It was about 2pm and I was still snowboarding on my own. I thought it would be a good idea to snowboard where I was not allowed. I was going way too fast on a very narrow and ungroomed path with trees on both sides. With no way to slow down or stop, I hit a bump and went straight into a tree. I hit the tree with so much force that it broke my left femur. In shock, I yelled out for help. A few minutes later, a kind man heard me and called for an ambulance.
Not long after breaking my leg, a snowmobile came and escorted me to the ambulance and then to the hospital. I felt terribly scared and alone in the ambulance by myself. My dad was following in the car behind us. When I arrived at the hospital, the doctors removed my boot and prepped me for surgery. After what seemed like hours, I was sent into surgery.
Afterwards, I was told two metal rods had to be put in my femur instead of a full leg cast. I remained in the hospital overnight and was dismissed in the morning. My dad and I left the next day and returned to Florida. A few months after my first surgery, I had another to get the metal rods out. Despite the metal rods being removed from my leg, I was still not able to walk for several months. Not long after my second surgery, I began physical therapy. Even though the therapy hurt, I kept attending the rigorous sessions knowing that it would help my leg in the long run. It took many long, painful months, but I have recovered full strength in my leg. Although I was not able to walk for a while, I was grateful it was not worse.
To become better and better at snowboarding has been my main goal from the start. A speed bump like this has only slowed me down. I will not give up something I love because of an accident. I still have tons of fun, but I know now that there is a limit on what I should do.Do you remember the part of the Karate Kid movies when Mr. Miyagi was trimming the Bonzai trees? That means there is art in trimming. What can you take away that will change the reader's experience?
Topic sentences are important for clarity, but don't let them be boring. shortening this by combining the first 2 sentences of some paragraphs into a single, powerful sentence.
In this essay, take the last sentence of the first paragraph, and make it the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph. Then, get rid of the rest of that original 1st paragraph so that the sentence you moved becomes the 1st sentence of the essay. See if you like it that way.
I think you should cut as many sentences as possible, only the ones that are statements of the obvious, boring, unnecessary, and so forth. Brevity is key!!! I value brevity so much, when I order a coffee I sometimes just say, "Medium regular, please!" even though I actually prefer milk instead of cream...
I agree with what EF_Kevin says about the 1st paragraph. Also, try to eliminate words such as "very," "also," "still" etc. words that place emphasis on what you are trying to say would work with longer essays, but in this case try and cut them out
