'I found myself broke' - common app short answer-Work Exp. its 1600 characters long

When I left Marymount College in 2010, I found myself broke and in desperate need of a paycheck. Extracurricular activities had to take a back seat to practical needs. In the downward economy I was told that I'd be competing with recent college graduates for any kind of work. But, surely my high school diploma combined with my sparkling personality would net me a job. After hitting the payment and filling out dozens of job applications I finally netted a job at Forever 21, a women's retail clothing store. My first position was as a sales associate. I saw this as a challenge not just to sell a sweater or necklace. I wanted the customer to have a positive shopping experience where she would walk away with a complete outfit. Whether the customer was an overweight 16 year old or a mom wishing to give her style a contemporary boost, I wanted these women to leave the store with our merchandise as well as enhanced self-confidence. As a sales associate, I found I had a knack for styling customers and for making my assigned regions in the store fun and attractive. My efforts drew the attention of the visual merchandisers and the store manager. I beat out ten other girls vying for the Assist. Visual Merchandiser position. This brought new challenges which included being at work at 5 am to dress the mannequins. I took the success I had creating outfits for customers and created three-dimensional displays that maximized sales for Forever 21. As a visual merchandiser I was able to expand on my initial single outfit sale and now communicate to hundreds of women to attract, engage and motivate them towards making a purchase.

When I left Marymount College in 2010, I found myself broke and in desperate need of a paycheck. Extracurricular activities had to take a back seat to practical needs. In the downward economy I was told that I'd be competing with recent college graduates for any kind of work. But, surely my high school diploma combined with my sparkling personality would net me a job. After hitting the payment and filling out dozens of job applications I finally netted a job at Forever 21, a women's retail clothing store. My first position was as a sales associate. I saw this as a challenge not just to sell a sweater or necklace. I wanted the customer to have a positive shopping experience where she would walk away with a complete outfit. Whether the customer was an overweight 16 year old or a mom wishing to give her style a contemporary boost, I wanted these women to leave the store with our merchandise as well as enhanced self-confidence. As a sales associate, I found I had a knack for styling customers and for making my assigned regions in the store fun and attractive. My efforts drew the attention of the visual merchandisers and the store manager. I beat out ten other girls vying for the Assist. Visual Merchandiser position. This brought new challenges which included being at work at 5 am to dress the mannequins. I took the success I had creating outfits for customers and created three-dimensional displays that maximized sales for Forever 21. As a visual merchandiser I was able to expand on my initial single outfit sale and now communicate to hundreds of women to attract, engage and motivate them towards making a purchase.

-"In the downward economy I was told that I'd be competing with recent college graduates for any kind of work. But, surely my high school diploma combined with my sparkling personality would net me a job." I love this part, but if you are looking for content to cut without losing the meat of your essay, I would recommend this. On the other hand you keep it in Pleeaaase don't start a sentence with "but".

I am not sure if I found enough areas to make it the right length or not, but at least it is a start. It is an awesome essay. You did a great job!