Hi, I would be very grateful if I could have some feedback on this essay. I am not a native speaker and therefore struggle with vocab and grammar. I
would be very happy if you could clarify these sorts of errors.
Furthermore, my essay is still too long. I have to reduce it by about 400 caracters. Any suggestions what I can leave out?
Thanks so much
Common App - Supp topic: What matters to you, and why?
Essay:
A phone call that changed my life
It was a stormy night. Heavy raindrops were pounding against my window. I couldn't sleep. Suddenly I heard some strange noises coming out of the kitchen. I listened closely. It seemed as though somebody was talking. Curiously, I snuck out of my room, across the dimly lit corridor towards the kitchen. The door was slightly open, as though it was afraid to touch the frame, leaving no hindrance for words to flood the hallway.
It was my mom on the phone with somebody; but, who was it, why was he/she calling in the middle of the night and what was mom saying? The expressions seemed so strange to me as though she was talking in another language. As I listened longer, I figured it must be English, a language that I just started to learn in school. I could only make out fragments: "This...thank you...is"; "...we will be there in a week" ; "...for about a year...". Then mom hung up.
I was shocked and confused. Where will she/we be in a week? Are we going on vacation? What did she mean with "...a year..." ?
A week later I found myself in the USA, a strange environment for me. The streets, which were embraced by flashy fast food chains, were so broad, the cars so big and distances between buildings seemed to be endless. I wasn't used to this environment. Back at home stores were just a walk or a bike ride away and here nobody seemed to go anywhere without their car.
Even school was a strange place for me. The masses of middle schooled kids were very intimidating. Even the massive, green lockers seemed so menacing. And why was I supposed to change classroom after every period? Much didn't make sense to me back then.
However, after a few weeks I overcame my fears and started to fall in love with the new place that I had come to together with my mom. I discovered so much that Austria lacked. I loved the cordiality of the people, I loved the possibility to shop 24hours a day 7 days a week, I started to love that my teachers focused on my talents instead of on my weaknesses, I start to love that I had more small tests instead of huge exams. I started to love about everything.
Nonetheless, my excitement didn't last. September of 2005 everything changed. My mom and I had to leave the country. Our visa expired.
My biggest wish is to return to the country of all opportunities, my new home.
Honestly, I think a "wish" is different than what matters to you. I can wish for a puppy, but does that make it really matter to me? When they're asking this question I think they're looking for your values, etc. But if going back to the USA does really matter to you than you should explain how and why more than what you've done. Make it clear that this is more than a wish. But that's just my two cents. Wish you best!
