Please be as harsh and critical as possible! I'm trying to get accepted into Berkeley, so I need to submit the best essay possible. Thank you :)
UC Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
On January 11th, 2013, after two months of abstaining from eating meat, I became vegan. A year before that, I would never have guessed that I'd ever become one; though I admired vegans for their dedication and passion, I simultaneously dismissed them as overzealous extremists.
Last October, however, I found a series of blogs dedicated to animal rights and veganism that triggered in me a paradigm shift. The information I discovered on those blogs was horrific and disturbing. I felt afflicted by the treatment of hens and dairy cows, and appalled at the methods employed by factory farms to oppress them. I educated myself on the environmental destruction caused by the raising of livestock and the extensive amount of natural resources that are wasted in their production. I realized that as a consumer of meat and animal products, I was funding the murder and abuse of these animals. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself for participating in such a system, but I was driven to make the best of the situation. The very next day I became vegetarian.
The transition from a meat inclusive diet to a vegan one wasn't easy, but I have never looked back. I'm proud that I'm able to stand up for what I believe in despite the criticisms I receive, and I'm proud that I have effectively encouraged some my friends to stop eating meat. Most significantly, I am proud because I know that my efforts are not in vain. The environmental impact of a meat based diet is tremendous; by switching to a vegan diet I have reduced air and water pollution as well as conserved water and fossil fuel. It gives me some comfort knowing that I am not longer contributing to a system of oppression that is so destructive to our environment. Even though the slaughter and maltreatment of animals on these factory farms persist, I'm proud that I play a part in the fight against it.
Becoming vegan is a symbol of my maturity and a testament to my personal growth. Since becoming vegan, I have grown more open minded and environmentally conscious, two traits that I believe are an integral part of who I am. I am more self-reliant when contemplating ideologies and morals, and I'm not afraid to think independently. I now know that my opinions and actions are valuable and have the power to make a difference, and as a result have gained confidence in myself. Veganism has taught me that it's okay to challenge societal norms that we are so accustomed to accepting without question, and it has even led me to become involved in other social movements. I've learned that in order to make a difference in the world, I need to accept responsibility and start with myself. Being vegan is a part of my identity that I would never give up; it has shaped me into the person I am today, and it will continue to push me to become a better person.
The idea is very good. Here are a few suggestions.
When you say, 'The very next day I became vegetarian.' it makes it seem like it was an overnight change. Perhaps say it like you decided to become a vegetarian and transition into it.
Being vegan is a part of my identity instead say maybe, "Becoming a vegan..." since you weren't one always.
Hope this helps!
