Prompt # 1 - Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Earthquakes can cause a lot of damage. Having lived in California my entire life, I am familiar with earthquakes. They can be the cause of both the cracks in the pavement and the total destruction of buildings. Still, there are buildings that withstand these same shakes without being affected by them. My grandfather, who has worked in construction for most of his life, once explained to me, "Foundation is everything. Without a strong enough foundation, everything comes falling down." I find that this also holds true for people. However, a person's foundation is not made of cement and steel. The things that keep people from breaking down are their beliefs and ideals. The more adamant a person is about who they are and what they stand for, the stronger their foundation; there is a better chance that they will not break when they have to deal with a shaky situation. My foundation is greatly influenced by my experiences and the people that have been with me through them. These factors make me who I am and are the reasons why I remain strong despite adversity.
My family is a huge part of who I am. I come from a large family; I am one of five children. My mother ran a pretty tight ship since there was so many of us. There was barely any tolerance for noncooperation, so we all learned quickly to do as we were told. I learned to be a part of a group because of this. Although my siblings and I had our disagreements, we knew how to come together to complete a goal. I also learned how to deal with different types of people. Even though my siblings and I were raised in the same household, we are extremely different from one another. Coming from such a large family has proved to be a great advantage for me in meeting new people and being in groups. There is absolutely no way that I could have been who I am today under any other circumstances.
My family life is also the reason that I matured at a young age. I grew up pretty fast mentally and emotionally, mostly because I had to. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad moved out and my mother was left to be our primary provider. At one point, she was working three jobs and could not be at home as much. My older siblings took on more prominent leadership roles in our house, so I followed suit. This is when I learned how important it is to be strong in both good and bad times. My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.
That same reality has also motivated me to work to be better than what I see around me. I know that I am capable of being successful. Neither my mother nor my father finished college, and I believe that it is the root of many of the things we went through. Though some people would think that I am at a disadvantage because of my parents' shortcomings, I think that I was lucky to grow up under these conditions. Since my parents did fall short in their educations, they want better for us. "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" was one of the sayings that I heard a lot from my parents. I especially heard this when I did something that they did not approve of. They also taught me that I can only get out of something what I put into it. Apparently, when people do not have something, they understand its importance and worth far better than the people who do have it; "To comprehend a nectar requires sorest need." The shortcomings of my parents have lifted me up and made me a better person.
Just like the earthquakes in California, life's difficulties are abundant and of varying intensity. It is imperative that we have a strong enough foundation to stand on. My foundation is built upon where I come from and what I have learned from it. Luckily, I have other people's experiences to learn from as well as my own. I have grown as an individual and developed my own values because of these lessons learned. Everyone is a product of their environment and I am no exception.
WOW. Your essay is amazing and you do a great job of showing how everything reflected on you. I think your only downfall was that you talk about other people a bit too much. Yes, you are suppose to mention your world, but focus on YOU. Instead of saying how things affected you and your siblings make it all about yourself. Also, your intro was a bit lengthy so I would cut it down a bit. You took a while to get to your point. Be much more direct in what your saying. Also, I don't know if mentioning the California earthquakes really helped you that much. Stylistically it made the essay great, but this isnt about style. I would suggest getting to your point much faster. Hope this helps.
If you revise your essay I'd be more than happy to look over it again. or if you want a more specific critique I can do that too. I really appreciate everything with how you helped me with my essay. Let me know what you need.
Thanks Again =)
Earthquakes can cause a lot of damage. Having lived in California my entire life, I am familiar with earthquakes.
Start off stronger, maybe combine the 2 sentences. "Having lived in California my entire life, I am familiar with mother-nature's wrathful earthquakes.
Your essay is great, but try adding some more colorful words, don't make the writing dull :)
Really great essay, only found one qualm,
At one point, she was working three jobs and could not be at home as much. My older siblings took on more prominent leadership roles in our house, so I followed suit . This is when I learned how important it is to be strong in both good and bad times. My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality . I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.
These points are not really defined and I'm not sure exactly what you are saying, perhaps you can clarify here?
I really enjoy the earthquake motif to your essay, living here on the San Andreas fault I can totally relate, I feel a big one coming :)
Re: angelusfanatic
If you have other critiques, I would appreciate seeing them. I'm trying to make as many revisions as I can at once, so it'll probably be best to change the essay and then show it to you for more changes. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks :)
Re: MarleyWH
What I mean by "I followed suit" is that I also took on leadership roles in our household. I don't really know how to reword it. Any suggestions??
My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.
I changed this to "My mother never hid her financial struggles from us. At that point, I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This realization made me grow up very quickly."
I don't know if that's good enough, so any other suggestions will be appreciated :)
Please do add anything else that could help me.
Thanks a lot for your help :)
Yes that is great, and for the first part, the reason it is confusing for me is because if your older siblings took on leadership roles, it would seem like they would be leading you. And by following suit, does it mean you took leadership roles or does it mean you followed your older siblings? It is just kind of vague. If you have siblings younger than you that you led, you should say that.
I think this essay is excellent, although I would tend to agree with some of the improvements suggested.
One advice that I think would benefit the adcom tremendously would be to state upfront what your dreams and aspirations are. That way, the adcom can know the end and you can build your way through your earthquake experiences to this conclusion.
Thank you for that, Ishas. I didn't think to do that :)
