"As founder of Faux Tees.." - Common App, Elaborate on one of your activities.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Hey, I was wondering if someone can read my essay for the common app. I suck at grammar so it'll be good, if you paid close attention to commas and whatnot. Thanks.

As the large yellow bus squeaks to a stop I climb the steps as I balance 45 t-shirts in my hands, making my way to the few available seats in the back. As founder of Faux Tees, a t-shirt company I started in the 10th grade, this is one of my many duties.

Others involve speaking with a sponsor or coach about the theme or slogan they want. After I come up with a basic sketch, I use my Adobe design skills and get the principal to approve the finished product. Then I go to a screen printing business, negotiate a deal, and the t-shirts are made.

I've always enjoyed graphics but always figured it was a hobby, until my future Economics teacher asked if I was making a profit, thus Faux Tees was created.

My business has taught me the dignity that hard work gives; instead of using my money for miscellaneous things, I donate half and pay family bills with the other. Having the power to put a positive impact on someone's life by doing something I enjoy is one of the greatest things I've done.

Thanks for reading. Just tell me general tips and tidbits to improve. Thanks again.

Your essay is good, I might suggest starting with the creation of Faux Tees, then moving onto "the large yellow bus squeaks..." and then continuing onto the other duties you perform and how you use the money earned. Just so then the essay moves chronologically.

Below I've identified some grammatical errors and some other word suggestions, I put them in paranthesis.

As the large yellow bus squeaks to a stop(,) I climb the steps as I balance 45 t-shirts in my hands, making my way to the few available seats in the back. As founder of Faux Tees, a t-shirt company (that) I started in the 10th grade, this is one of my many duties. (carrying 45 t-shirts to school is one of your duties? make a little clearer about what "this" is.)

Others (lacking a subject, I suggest putting the word "duties" after "other") involve speaking with a sponsor or coach about the theme or slogan they want. After I come up with a basic sketch, I use my Adobe design skills and get the principal to approve the finished product. Then I go to a screen printing business, negotiate a deal, and the t-shirts are made(possibly find a more descriptive verb).

I've (try to avoid using apostrophes, spell out both words if possible) always enjoyed graphics but (I) always figured it was a hobby, until my future Economics teacher asked (me) if I was making a profit, thus Faux Tees was created.

My business has taught me the dignity that hard work gives(delete "gives" and change "that" to "of"); instead of using my money for miscellaneous things, I donate half and pay family bills with the other (half, you need a subject after "other"). Having the power to put(consider the verb "make" instead of "Put") a positive impact on someone's life by doing something (that) I enjoy is one of the greatest things (try to avoid general words like"things" if possible) I've done.

Thanks so much :) I appreciate your help.