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'a four letter word' - Why Yale- 500 ch. essay


Balanchine 4 / 20  
Dec 23, 2011   #1
Hi! I'm applying to the English program at Yale College. I didn't put a ton of thought into this essay because I was mostly focusing on getting my formal essay over with. Please edit and respond? Thanks! (I'll be sure to do the same)

Why Yale:

Yale. It is a four letter word. It is the name of a school. It is the name of the school I'd like to attend. There are many reasons for my craving to attend Yale College. For instance, the calibre of the faculty: Harold Bloom is someone I've long yearned to study under. Yale is a university that caters to the needs of its student body; I would like to attend such a university. Care for students, and care for education-this is the best possible combination a school can offer.
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 23, 2011   #2
Astor

Well, I think that you can spend more time describing why Yale is for YOU. It doesn't really sound personal.

Hope this helps. & if you don't mind, could you check out my why Lafayette, Gambling essay. Thanks!
OP Balanchine 4 / 20  
Dec 23, 2011   #3
Thanks Zhoe. I'll be sure to provide feedback for your essay.

Is this revision any better?

It is difficult for someone like me with so much passion for English to find the comfort of home at just any college. Yale, however, is one of the few exceptions that have attracted me. Whether it be studying under impressive faculty like Harold Bloom, or participating in the well-established student culture, being a part of this remarkable educational environment would be a privilege. Care for students, and care for education-this is the best possible combination a school could offer.
articuno 1 / 16  
Dec 23, 2011   #4
the comfort of home

That phrasing seems kind of awkward -- would you agree? And the first sentence, I'm not exactly fully understanding why a large passion for English would interfere in the "comfort of home" at a college; could you explain and perhaps revise it to show what you mean more clearly?

And I do believe, you could go more personal than that; most of your writing is still talking about how impressive the college is. In fact, the english tidbit you threw in you kind of neglected afterwards. Link everything together and have everything flow.

Yale, however, is one of the few exceptions that have attracted me.

^ Sentences like this I feel are very redundant because obviously you are attracted to Yale, but what EXACTLY is it that really makes you fit into Yale?
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 23, 2011   #5
Astor

Much, much better! I really like the opening statement, makes it seem like Yale is special to you.
No grammar mistakes that I can tell. Nicely done!

Hope this helps & Good Luck!
missmelyss 1 / 2  
Dec 23, 2011   #6
I like your revision much better than the first. But I agree, it would sound better if the essay was a bit more personal and that your opening sentence is a bit awkward. Have you ever visited the Yale campus? If you have, maybe you could include your experience. Why does Yale stand out over the many other elite schools you could apply to? Do you have a personal connection to Yale?

It does sound like you are on your way down the right path though! And of your revisions keep improving like they have been then you will have your final essay soon I'm sure:)

Mayyyybe you could check out my personal essay that I need edited? It would be much appreciated!!!!
StevenWong206 5 / 13 2  
Dec 24, 2011   #7
Wow 500 characters? That is tough!!!! But I would make this more personal. You are a strong writer, so making it more personal should not be tough (at least I hope it wouldn't be for you).

Good Luck.


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