This is my common application essay, please make as many suggestions as necessary, they are much needed!
I have been jealous for a majority of my life. I realized this as I recently reflected upon my childhood. My life was driven by the desire to have what I did not, but looking through a friend's perspective gave me an alternate view on life.
In my childhood, I was jealous of a friend of mine, Mark, who could very easily have been the dictionary example of privileged. Mark's father obliged his every request. This unfortunately made me jealous of all the things he had and dissatisfied with my life. As a result, I strived to attain everything he had. For holidays and birthdays, I asked for the newest, coolest toy or gadget on the market. Whenever a new gaming console came out, Mark received it from his father; I, however, did not. For example, we both bought the NintendoŽ DS within a week of its release. Mark, as expected, bought the SonyŽ PSP only a month later and, as a result, I was no longer satisfied with my DS. I felt unable to keep up with his father's tokens of affection and after a while my parents told me that it was not financially feasible to continue our excessive purchases on toys of ephemeral value. I felt dejected, poor, and worst of all, insignificant.
After a conversation with my parents subdued my temptations to compete with Mark, I decided to avoid interaction with my former adversary. Sometime during the 7th grade, I found myself sitting next to him at lunch. Both of us had changed quite a bit, but the thing that did not alter was that he still had everything. Mark played on the football team, still lived in a mansion, and most personally, he dated the girl I had a crush on for quite some time. I went to speak with him expecting a conversation with an arrogant and pretentious boy but was shocked when I left the conversation having spoken with a surprisingly humble and understanding person. Mark told me that after his father had given him everything he had ever wanted, he realized that he had nothing. He no longer appreciated trips to a tropical country or the newest Nintendo Ž console. Nothing impressed him anymore, and that took the joy out of his life. What changed him was his mother's death. He felt devastated that the person he loved the most was taken away from him. He despised his own arrogance and promised upon his mother's casket that he would become a new person. After his sobering confession, I professed my past envy for the life he lived and the things he had. We discussed our previous friendship, and we realized that life will never feel complete when we are given a new thing. By the end of our conversation, we agreed that happiness revolved around being content with what we had rather than what we did not. Mark has been my best friend ever since, and without him; I would likely be the jealous and confused brat I was in the past.
Mark's grief stemmed from the loss of his mother, a person not a thing. This grief allowed him to understand the true importance of the people who love him over the things he enjoyed to play with. My life no longer revolves around the attainment of a new game or gadget; it revolves around my experiences with my family and friends. In retrospect, I now realize what a colossal understanding Mark and I had when we were 12 and how applicable this thought process is to my life. If I had allowed my desires to consume my life, I would never have been able to attain more important things such as knowledge, love, and friendship.
Hi.
To some degree, the message of this essay is similar to that of mine own. I can totally relate to feeling of having less than what you've expected. I like the way you talked about your feelings, but I think when you mentioned it the second time, you can cut the description short a bit. I think this sentence can be taken out:
Mark played on the football team, still lived in a mansion, and most personally, he dated the girl I had a crush on for quite some time.
I know the girl is kinda very important, but you need not describe everything he has every time. =D
Personally, I would like to know how you think about his losses. Like, when you say "He no longer appreciated trips to a tropical country or the newest Nintendo Ž console. Nothing impressed him anymore, and that took the joy out of his life. What changed him was his mother's death.", how do you think you will feel if that happen to you. The flow of this essay is perfect, but while I was reading it, a lot of the essay is about Mark's life, and not yours. By explaining your own thoughts, however general or insignificant you think they are, you make this essay more personal.
G L~
I think it would be good to add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and make it a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the whole essay.
Also... In my childhood, I was jealous of a friend of mine, Mark, who could very easily have been the dictionary example of "privileged."--Use " " marks to show that you are referring to the word.
I don't think you can use "alter" the way you used it. You should just use the word "change"...
This grief allowed enabled him to understand the true importance of the people who love him over the things with which he enjoyed playing.
:-)
