'fun easing the tension' - Common Application Activities Elaboration

I just wrote this about ten minutes ago. It is for the common application. Here is the question:

"In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer)."

Suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

As a committed member of the cross country team throughout the entirety of high school, my initial perception of this sport has significantly developed. When I joined the team in the fall of freshman year, I originally believed cross country was individually-oriented as opposed to an actual team. "How could someone make me run faster? I'm the one running the raceďnot anyone else," I queried as an immature, naďve freshman. This assertion could not be any farther from the truth. Now, as the captain of the cross country team, I have realized that teamwork is an essential component of cross country. During practices and races when my legs cannot move any faster, the "encouraging" words of my teammates somehow result in the contrary. My own drive and motivation helps me attain personal records, however, there has been countless times when a simple, "Come on Justin!" has caused me to improve. Also, before important races, there are pasta parties where my teammates and I have fun easing the tension and nervousness produced by tomorrow's race. A teammate's motivational words can really help during a race because, unlike other sports, there are no breaks to refresh and regain momentum. The only thing that this extreme test of perseverance consists of is determination, endurance, and cheering from my teammates.

I think your first sentence should be a situation: something such as you being in second place and winning because one of your team mates cheered you on.

It does seem like a ten minute job, and since you felt the need to point it out, I am pretty sure you know that as well lawlz. Perhaps you should focus on trying to strengthen your essay as much as possible, and then post it here for some advice on how it can be strengthened further?

I did not say I wrote this in ten minutes. I said I finished it ten minutes ago.

And it is not an essay. It is for the common application activities elaboration. I'm supposed to briefly elaborate on one activity--not write an essay.

^^Lawlzzz kk. K its not an ''essay'' as such I know. I am applying via the Commonapp as well, so I am fairly familiar with the prompt. I didnt quite need an explanation.

As a committed member of the cross country team throughout ...
^You can crop that. It doesnt really say nor do much. If you remove this, then your next line is more direct and straight to the point, in terms of what you are going to discuss.

When I joined the team in the fall of freshman year, I originally believed cross country was individually-oriented as opposed to actual team work? .
''Individually oriented'' Doubt that is the right expression to use here.

... race-not anyone else," I queriedthought as an immature, naďve freshman.
^^^You do not need to be immature to think that. Perhaps intellectually immature though?

This assertion could not be any farther from the truth. Now, as the captain of the cross country team, I have realizedknow that teamwork is an essential component of cross country. During practices and races when my legs cannot move any faster, the "encouraging" words of my teammates somehow result in the contrary.

^I would have thought that somewhere in this sentence, would be an opportunity to describe, in a picturesque manner, the level of fatigue you feel, just so you can add a bit of life to the sentence.

Also ''result in the contrary'' doesnt make any sense in this sentence.

My own drive and motivation helps me attain personal records, however, therehashave been countless times when a simple, "Come on Justin!" has caused me to improve.

^Find a better expression.

Good luck

Hi Justin,

I think this is a very thoughtful short essay. I love how you talk about cheering from your teammates as a major catalyst for your success in cross-country, and the evolution of your concept of 'teamwork' and a so-called 'solo' sport. What I think you can do is streamline your prose and make better use of limited space you're given here. You write:

"As a committed member of the cross country team throughout the entirety of high school, my initial perception of this sport has significantly developed. When I joined the team in the fall of freshman year, I originally believed cross country was individually-oriented as opposed to an actual team."

I don't think you have time to include the opening sentence (it's vague and redundant), and this should more organically evolve in your short essay. I might challenge you to 'show rather than tell' throughout your writing. Here's my suggestion for a potential structure:

-Short, engaging intro: 'Come on, Justin!' Open with you actually in the race, then describe how when you recognize the cheers of your teammates, you feel a burst of adrenalyn.

-Paragraph 2--your reflection on the value of team support--the pasta party, the relationships you build. Solo sport, but not a sport that occurs in isolation (like say, tennis). "A teammate's motivational words can really help during a race because, unlike other sports, there are no breaks to refresh and regain momentum. The only thing that this extreme test of perseverance consists of is determination, endurance, and cheering from my teammates."

This is just a minor tweak that I think can help give this short essay more color, and better showcase your writing ability.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing