Hi, this is my rough draft. Can I get feedback on the flow of the essay and does it answer the prompt in all aspect?
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
The fundamental ideas of economics are rooted in the everyday decisions of the common people; how people make decisions based on what they have, what they will give up and what they will obtain in return. In turn, it is reflected into the industries. I believe that the application of economic theories and model in the business world is profound. In my opinion, economics in general helps industries to adjust to the changing times and in particular enable businesses to adapt with the industries. With a global financial crisis in full swing, a living economic example, I believe it is the great opportunity to explore in-depth my interests in the world of business and economics.
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No, the essay is not bad at all!
Here are some things to change:
Start by stating your intended major, and no one can accuse you of not answering the question clearly.
My observations in their businesses have always lead me to ask myself why some businesses thrive and succeed while others stagnate and fail.
Challenge yourself with paragraph 2: convey the same story in half the words.
Perhaps you should take the first paragraph and make put it at the end, as the conclusion. Then, add a new intro paragraph stating your intended major and capturing the life lessons that make you interested in that major.
Good luck!!! Show them that you are a methodical thinker by the way you write!
I believe these are my final drafts. Can someone please comment before I submit it in.
Thanks!
Prompt #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
My intention to major in business and economics is inhibited in me throughout my life. My oldest sister who graduated from UCLA started her own mortgage broker company. My parents were entrepreneurs back in Vietnam. I had close relationships with two uncles who own their own electronic manufacturing companies. Also I was nail technician and a store manager for my half-brother's successful nail shop which gave me a preview of the power of economical decisions. I also worked briefly at my aunt's stagnant nail shop.
Albeit some of their businesses competed in the same industry, their outcome differed. My exposure and observations with their businesses have always lead me to ask myself, why do some businesses fail, some stagnant, and some succeed? I needed to know what differentiated these people apart. I questioned myself whether their successes or failures can be manipulated, copied, improved, or avoided. I questioned them too, but it was not enough. I had many intellectually interesting conversations with my oldest sister, especially after the housing bust: how is she surviving whereas some her business friends are not? Implicitly, I knew it was her well rounded education that had equipped her with the necessary tools to succeed.
The economic concepts have always captivated me ever since my first economic class at Estrella Community College, called Macroeconomic. My fascination for economic and business grew tremendously when I took a course called microeconomic at Orange Coast College. My brilliant professor clearly explained the principles behind the business and economic world. Searching for it all along, my mind absorbed ideas and theories like a sponge and water. Everyday in the microeconomic class sparked an idea. How this social science called economics can help a person with their businesses if they understood the concepts. Every chapter we discussed on brings back memories of my former dealings with my family and relatives' businesses; how some of their decisions fall within economic. After studying about marginal cost versus marginal profit, I called my half-brother to discuss and eagerly explain to the theory and how could maximize his profit.
The combination of my work experience and the economic courses leads me to believe that the fundamental ideas of economics are rooted in the everyday decisions of the common people; how people make decisions based on what they have, what they will give up and what they will obtain in return. I believe that the application of economic theories and model in the business world is profound. In my opinion, economics in general help industries to adjust to the changing times and in particular enable businesses to adapt with the industries. With a global financial crisis in full swing, a living economic example, I believe it is a great opportunity to explore in-depth my interests in the world of business and economics.
Pompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I never graduated high school. Then an immature attempt to take twenty one units at Orange Coast College resulted in three Ws and a F. Lacking motivation, I quitted school altogether. I temporarily moved to Texas and started working without purpose for three years. Then I ventured to Arizona with my oldest sister on her business plan and took a couple of college courses.
My mother, the dearest person to me ever since my dad left us when I was young boy, became ill; so my sister and I went back to California. I was home tending to my mother when she was diagnosed as terminally ill. Before my mother passed away two years ago, I childishly begged her to not leave us and promised her that I will get a college degree that she had always wanted me to have. I told her that I will graduate from a college and turn my life around. An immigrant, she believed that America is the land of opportunity and that education is the key to success. Though she is no longer with us I still have a promise to fulfill and a goal to achieve.
I got my GED, a decent paying job as a loan processor and also enrolled in three courses at Orange Coast College. At first it was very difficult to work full time and go to school part time simultaneously. Slowly I had to learn how to manage both because they were both were priorities. My plan was going smoothly. Then two months later, the company went under.
Not to be deterred, I landed an interview a month later for a data entry job, TriStar. The pay was meager. However, I had the support of my family because the company would promote within if an employee demonstrated excellence and met the qualifications; I took the job with the goal of becoming a claims examiner like another sister of mine, quickly.
I completed my daily tasks rapidly and diligently and took on additional duties. At the same time I increased my status to a full time student. In addition, I studied for a required state examination and courses to become a claims examiner. I was promoted to a claims assistant after six months. I began to take honors courses. The mounting pressure of school, work and resentment within the company provided additional motivations to succeed. My determination allowed me to acquire skills I needed to thrive: time management, a key element of my endurance which facilitated the increase in my ability to prioritize issues. The chain effect continues as I learn how to separate family, school and work, increasing my ability to stay focus. Eighteen months of hard work paid off as I was promoted to become a claims examiner. It was a proud moment for me, and I can see it in my family's eyes when I treated them out to dinner.
In reflection I believe that these lesser goals are the fuels to one's success in life, building character, strengthening relationships, and creating lasting memories. Failures are only perseverance checks. An ultimate goal is soon a lesser goal to another "ultimate" goal, elevating one's reach to the infinite possibilities.