You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College?

The Admissions Committee would like to learn why you are a good fit for your undergraduate school choice (College of Arts and Sciences, School of Nursing, The Wharton School, or Penn Engineering). Please tell us about specific academic, service, and/or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interests, and goals. (400-650 words)

A statement explaining the purpose of the College's curriculum reads: "... you are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements. If you think of your education solely in those terms, the result will be dull and unsatisfying.". As soon as I read this phrase, I knew that pursuing an undergraduate education in Penn's College of Arts and Sciences would be the right choice. At Penn, the reason for pursuing education not just to graduate with a qualification, but for a more meaningful purpose - to harness the education to benefit society - is perfectly consistent with my ideals. Coming from a less privileged background, I want to use education to empower those that like me, come from a low income background, specifically by researching economic policies that can emancipate the poor. My aspiration is to be an Economic Adviser to the Government of Singapore, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a research economist specializing in economic policies.

Though majoring in economics will certainly pave the road to attaining my goals, a firm foundation in other fields of academia will matter too. I am particularly drawn by the College's General Education curriculum, which allows students the flexibility to explore topics from different disciplines and more importantly witness how knowledge from various disciplines complement each other. A wise policy-maker cannot evaluate a new policy idea from a purely economic standpoint, (s)he needs to be aware of its social implications, as well as any political roadblocks that the new policy could face. Taking courses in the Society sector would help me understand the dynamics of societal behavior and motivation, while courses in the History and Traditions sector would provide me with a reference of how past decision-makers introduced policies and the challenges they faced. General Education from the College's vast catalog of courses from multiple disciplines will complement and enrich my core skills as an economist in my future endeavor.

I strongly believe that theoretical education should be complemented with practical application in order for a learner to achieve a firm grasp of a subject. I am drawn by the College's emphasis and support for undergraduates to engage in research during their four-years in Penn, with the Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships (CURF) and Penn Institute for Economic Research (PIER) fostering a research-friendly environment through providing generous grants and research consultation. I can undertake cutting edge research with some of the country's greatest thinkers and explore the fascinating field of political economics. This will sharpen my insight and enable me to be more well-informed and effective as a prospective future policy maker. I can also attend lectures and workshops by PIER to acquaint myself of the latest development in economics, such as the Quantitative Tools for Macroeconomic Policy Analysis.

The College's resources dedicated to supporting undergraduates through their academic career is the most robust I have seen among all institutions. Support for writing from peer and faculty specialists in the Marks Family Writing Center and public speaking seminars from CWiC will help refine my writing and public speaking skills which will greatly aid me during my undergraduate career and beyond.

Besides academic pursuits, I would like to continue pursuing my passion in community service in college and I am excited to see that there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in UPenn. I am extremely interested in using my experience as a tutor to provide tuition to the less well-off students in Philadelphia, and I will definitely be taking "Tutoring In Urban Public Elementary Schools: A Child Development Perspectives" ABCS course to satiate my curiosity about early childhood development and complement my service experience.

Very straight forward, poised tone. I like how you try to tackle the prompt with maturity and trajectory. So let's get to the editing...

As soon as I read this phrase, I knowknew that pursuing an undergraduate education in Penn's College of Arts and Sciences willwould be the right choice.

At Penn, the reason for pursuing education not just to graduate with a qualification, but for a more noble purpose - to harness the education to benefit society - is perfectly consistent with my ideals. ---> At Penn, the reason for pursuing education is not to graduate with a qualification, but to gain the knowledge and skills needed to benefit society, a noble purpose that is consistent with my ideals.

Coming from a less privileged background, I have been told by relatives and friends how with a good education, I can get a good-paying job, and improve my family's quality of life. Though admittedly true to a certain extent, I know deep inside my heart there is something more to education than just being a means to an end. I want to use it to empower the less well-off, specifically by researching economic policies that can help lift the poor out of poverty. My goal is to be an Economic Adviser to the Government, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a research economist specializing in economic policies.

---> Coming from a less privileged background, I've been told by relatives and friends that a good education is the ticket to success. Though this is true, I feel deep inside my heart that education is more than a short cut to a fat salary. I want to use it to empower those that like me, come from a low income background, specifically by researching economic policies that can emancipate the poor. My goal is to be an Economic Adviser to the government, and as I gain more experience, hopefully contribute to the World Bank as a specialist in economic policy research.

Majoring in economics is the most logical step for me. However, the quality of education I receive leading up to the major matters too.
---> Though majoring in economics will certainly pave the road to attaining my goals, a firm foundation in other fields of academia will matter too.

General Education from the College's vast catalog of courses from multiple disciplines will complement my core skills as an economist in my future endeavor.

I am also drawn by the College's emphasis and support for undergraduates to engage in research during their four-years in Penn, with a dedicated office for that purpose in Center for Undergraduate Research and Fellowships (CURF).

---> I am also drawn to the College's emphasis on and support for undergraduate research. (I don't think the last bit is necessary)

I strongly believe that theoretical education should be complemented with practical application in order to achieve a firm grasp of a subject. Engaging in research is a good way to do just that, and Penn's Economic Department, together with Penn Institute for Economic Research (PIER) foster a research-friendly environment with accessible and passionate faculty whom I can collaborate with to explore my curiosity in political economics. I can also attend lectures and workshops by PIER to further enrich my knowledge in economics, such as the Quantitative Tools for Macroeconomic Policy Analysis.

---> Penn's Economics Department, together with Penn Institute for Economic Research (PIER), I can undertake cutting edge research with some of the country's greatest thinkers and explore the fascinating field of political economics. The lectures and workshops offered by PIER, such as Qualitative Tools for Macroeconomic Policy Analysis, will be an excellent opportunity for me to further my knowledge on economics as well.

Besides academic pursuits, I would like to continue pursuing my passion in community service in college and I am excited to see that there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in UPenn.

Hope it helps!! Good luck :)

I added the Center because I thought I could be more specific about how the college facilitates undergraduate research.


Does "robust spirit of volunteerism" not work?

Again, thanks for helping me change the sentence structure and I would love to hear vangiespen's feedback on this essay.

Bump. Would appreciate others and vangiespen's feedback.

The essay is effective in responding to the prompt to a certain degree. While you clearly state how the university departments and other offerings can help you achieve your goals, the reason that these programs are relevant to your career objectives is little developed. When you mention a program, or place, as in the case of the center, you should successfully explain why participation in such modes of learning shall be beneficial to your career in the long run. For example, will the training at the center result in your preparing for work at a government organization? You need to create a connection between the academics and your professional career. Stating how these offerings directly connect with your previous training, internships, or academic foundation will result in explaining how your experience ties in with your desire to become a student at this university. By responding in such a manner, you will be able to successfully present some ideas as to how the offering of Penn directly relate to your career objectives as well.

- In case you are wondering about why I am asking you delete this part, the answer is really quite simple. You need to concentrate on directly answering the prompt requirements instead of wasting the time of the admissions officers in reading your opening introduction. Don't waste valuable word space telling the university what they already know about their unique abilities as an educational institution. Don't discuss your background in the essay either. Those are both irrelevant to the prompt requirements and will only serve to make it harder to analyze the content of your essay on the part of the reader.

After you deal with that paragraph, the rest of the essay actually falls into place on its own. Remember, saying more with less words will always help your essay. So try to keep the essay short, after having edited and revised it a number of times :-)

My suggestion is to change the phrasing a little bit. Many sentences in your essay start with "I can/will/should blah...blah...". Though it is not a sin to start with "I", but how about showing instead of telling? Picturing the future instead of making too many promises?

Like I will definitely be taking "Tutoring In Urban Public Elementary Schools: A Child Development Perspectives" ABCS course to satiate my curiosity about early childhood development and complement my service experience. I will phrase it like Days from now, if I am lucky enough to attend Penn and take "Blah~~~", I will be appreciating my choice to sail into the realm of early childhood development, for I would have possibly turned my good intentions into atrocious blunders weren't it for the admonition in that class.

Since we are both applying to Penn, we can surely help each other!

Thanks for the feedback. What do you think if I keep this part of the introduction? My aspiration is partly my reason for continuing education as stated in the later paragraphs.

Also, with reference to your first feedback, do you think I have elaborated the connection well enough between my future career and the College's programme?

Finally, can you suggest further sentence structure corrections help spot any grammar and spelling errors in case I missed them.

Happy holidays!

Yes, you can keep the reference to wanting to work in high government positions as this addresses the goals requirement of the essay prompt. You will need to develop the idea as to how it connects to your current field of study though. Specifically how Penn college fits into the achievement. Yes, I also believe that you have properly elaborated on the connection between your future career and chosen program. You can still elaborate on it further if you wish to do so. As for the other grammatical or sentence structure errors, let's wait until the overall theme of the essay has been finalized before we address correcting those. With all of the content changes that may be occurring during the editing and revision process, the words used may still change and I want to save you the bother of having to revise the grammar and sentence part more than once :-)

Essay is very comprehensive, referencing specific programs in UPenn. I suggest summarizing and shortening the introduction to meet the word count.

Thanks for the feedback.


Actually, this is what I wrote in the introduction. That is why I am reluctant to delete the whole of my introduction. The idea in the introduction is that the College's mission is to provide an education for its students to benefit society, as I will use the knowledge to research better policy for society, so it makes perfect sense that I pursue an education in Penn College. Is this idea not apparent enough?

The main problem with your introduction is that you have presented a number of ideas such as education is important, it is not the shortcut to a fat salary, etc. Instead of only concentrating on the main purpose for going to college as your goal, to fulfill your life ambitions and help your country. That is the main point of your goal and that is what you should be discussing and developing in the context of the essay. Relate only that part to the ability of the university to help you achieve it and your introduction should be set. Remember, your introduction is practically the whole paper. It gives an overview of who you are, your dreams, and the reason why you were attracted to the university in a concise form. The rest of the essay should only build upon those factors.

This is definitely an improved version of the essay that can be used for your application. You have successfully painted your goals as a student and future professional in such a way that can resonate with the course offerings of the school and the ability of the university to assist you in developing your professional persona over the next four years. Don't forget to officially delete the portion that you struck out in the above post. You need to officially delete that part in order for the essay to work properly. Overall, the essay is ready for use. It is still a bit longer than the usual response to this prompt but it definitely works in the long form :-)

Thanks vangiespen!! Can you suggest further sentence structure corrections help spot any grammar and spelling errors in case I missed them. Here's my final draft.

[...]

Hey Sam, the essay is as ready as it can at this point. You have developed the best essay possible for your application so you need to be confident in the final version that you have written. Don't worry, I did not see any errors that need correcting and the essence of the essay was retained even after you officially removed the portion you had previously stricken out. the length of the essay cannot be helped because of the way that you covered all of the required information in the prompt. So yes, it is a bit too long but it works for your essay. Don't have any worries. The essay can be submitted as soon as you feel like doing so :-)