Thanks in advance for your time.
Some friends of mine found this essay confusing 'coz I didn't explain the game at the beginning, I wonder whether that matters. And is present tense okay or I should use past tense?
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After stuffing my giant schoolbag with a stack of books and papers after class, I immediately walk up to Tomy and anxiously hand up a piece of crumbled note. Then, as he unfolds a monochrome roughly printed map of the Europe, my imagination rambles: the rugged terrains of mountainous North Africa conquered by those mighty troops, the major cities of prosperous Central Europe razed by the cruelty of battles, the predominant ports of vast Mediterranean Sea occupied by ruthless steely battleships, and all the invasions and defenses of World War II.
"Since we are all here, let's get started." Tomy eagerly beckons the seven of us to unravel the new turn. As we huddle together, I sense there remain only seven of us in the lethargic classroom in an ominous silence, as if it is calm before the storm.
When Tomy carefully smoothes out wrinkles out of the notes and reads the orders on them, I stealthily scrutinize the look on Isaac's face, which gradually becomes suspicious, chagrined, and then even indignant, for he inadvertently arches his brows, with his normally crescent eyes wide open and his large-sized hands pressing on the table so tight that the veins of them are highly visible; after the fictitious armies and fleets respectively execute our orders, his Turkish troops are desperately stuck in Smyrna and Ankara, losing control over the significant port of Constantinople. But his last straw is the betrayal of Eric, which has obviously broken their verbal covenant and left those Turkish armies unaided and besieged in a miserable plight; finally, he can repress his wrath no more, yelling, "good for you! Diplomatic tactics! Typically political!"
Several seconds of uneasy silence pass.
"It's not like we are bound to what we have agreed on. Alliance. Betrayal. These are the essence of Diplomacy. It's a war game, not real life!" Eric justifies his behavior, arrogantly lifting his head.
"Thank god it is just a game! I warn you not to employ those tactics in real life!" Isaac replies promptly, his face reddened.
Now this is an acerbic sarcasm, an intentional provocation, but their drastic dispute fails to draw my attention as I am deeply immersed in my own musings. There exists something incompatible between them; Eric is right in that deceit is the nature of the game, and yet Isaac's words are also somewhat plausible to me: probably the game is an unfortunate reflection of the real-life characters, not us, but the warmongers. In Diplomacy we, as incarnations of bellicosity, inevitably duplicate the malicious tactics of the war, the temporary relationship for mutual benefits and the abrupt breakup for conflicting interests, and such a game, an incisive replica of World War II, awakes the rapacious and egocentric instincts of us. I certainly confess that Isaac's opinions were too ideal to recognize the deceptive nature of the every commitment in this game, and in a real war; however, through this experience it occurs to me that how intolerable the war could be for many people, who innately detest all mendacity and long for a peaceful world of veracity.
"I'm out." In the end, Isaac quits. The game is abortive as he tears up the fanciful map which, to me, turns into being a filthy tool for human greed.
Maybe the perfect end of a war game is that everyone can't stand the negative aspects of human nature and quits; in fact, no one wins means everyone wins, but I know I'm being ridiculously idealistic again.
"Aren't they insane? It's just a game." Tomy gently nudges me with his elbow and whispers.
"Right, it's just a game."
I hope it won't be anything other than a game again.
[614 words]
You must also focus on grammar as it will affect all your essays regardless of topic; for example "
his large-sized hands pressing on the table so tight that the veins of themare highly visible." You should have written the sentence as follows: as he leans in he presses hard on the table; the strain causing the veins of his hands to bulge visibly.
Regarding the topic, on the other hand (note the irony), I feel that choosing a board game is very original and you shouldn't bin it without at least giving it another go. You just have to bear in mind that you are writing to a stranger and must therefore make it quite explicit whatever it is that you are talking about.
the rugged terrains of mountainous North Africa conquered by those mighty troops, the major cities of prosperous Central Europe razed by the cruelty of battles, the predominant ports of vast Mediterranean Sea occupied by ruthless steely battleships, and all the invasions and defenses of World War II.
Yes, confusing. It is because of all this that it is confusing. You do not have to explain the game if you don't want to, but you do always need to prepare the reader before whacking her/him with a lot of input like this. It makes my brain's operation system crash.
A complex sentence like that one above requires several sentences or paragraphs of explanation.
Actually, that can be the whole purpose of an essay: to prepare the reader for a heavy truth and then tell it. An essay is about ONE idea that cannot be expressed in a mere sentence. So, we use an introduction with the thesis statement, and then we explain it over the course of several body paragraphs.
Capitalize:
...yelling, "
Good for you! Diplomatic tactics! Typically political!"
The game is
abortive aborted as he tears up the fanciful map which, to me, turns into being a filthy tool for human greed.
... no one wins means everyone wins-- well in some situations, like war, no one wins means that everyone loses.
I like this a lot, but I think you need to get rid of all unnecessary details! That way, the reader can fully appreciate the important parts. Get rid of all that you can get rid of. Too much info crashes the reader's operating system. :-)
