Hello! Thank you so much for opening up my Gates essay. I would appreciate any feedback; anything at all to improve my story.
Thanks so much once again!
"Now, who can tell me how Jason could've handled the situation better without physically harming Jasmine?" I asked to the crowded gymnasium in a loud voice. Only two of the eighth graders raised their hands; I called on one of them, "You in the orange sweater. Go ahead." He hesitantly answered, "Um. Maybe, he could've cursed her out or just walk out on the situation." After hearing his response, I proceeded to explain to the crowd why they should never abuse others, whether it is done physically or verbally. Then, I continued to discuss other strategies Jason could have used to show Jasmine, his girlfriend, how her unfaithfulness made him feel.
Jason and Jasmine are fictional characters in a play called There is No Excuse for Dating Abuse. The play demonstrates an abusive relationship between teenagers. Jason frequently abuses Jasmine, his girlfriend; they have been dating for more than a year. In the play, I am Phil, a friend of Jason who advises him to improve the situation in his relationship. Phil has a significant part in the play, because he is the one to explain to Jason that his actions are resentful. The play is performed by the Start Strong Atlanta teens around the city of Atlanta.
Start Strong Atlanta is an organization aiming to reduce dating violence and to promote healthy relationships. As a peer educator of the Start Strong Atlanta, I am dedicated to promote practices to end teen dating violence and abuse. The peer educators teach youths how to foster healthy relationships and end dating violence by performing plays, teaching interactive lessons, and spreading the message of healthy relationships. Start Strong Atlanta is a collaboration of Grady Memorial Hospital, Atlanta Public Schools, and the Jane Fonda Center at Emory University School of Medicine. I chose to be a part of Start Strong because I was shocked by the violence occurring to and by teenagers in my community. I remember an instance when one of my friends was absent from school because she was badly wounded by her boyfriend. Witnessing the devastation caused by dating violence in my school and community influenced me to take part in an organization aiming to end the atrocious violence.
My interest in the principle of nonviolence was fostered in a rather unusual way. A few years ago, I was watching a Bollywood film called Lage Raho Munna Bhai. The film captures a Mumbai underworld don practicing nonviolence after seeing the spirit of Mahatma Gandhi. The film serves as a criticism of the violence and malice in our daily lives. It captures the true power of humanism and how it can benefit us all in a modern society. This film was hugely inspirational as it showed a man who lived with violence and crime all his life change and submit to nonviolence and truth. After watching the movie, I began to research the morals of Gandhi, and soon encountered the service of Dr. King. Two years later, I was performing a play advocating nonviolence at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Center and was spreading the nonviolence ideals around my community on his birthday.
Through my service at Start Strong, I learned the power of nonviolence. I realized that nonviolence is one of the essential tactics we should all implement in our lives. I believe that all forms of violence are unacceptable. Educating my younger peers on how to avoid dating abuse and how to end it if it starts has given me an inner satisfaction. I realize that I am rendering a service that is both needed and appreciated. In the future, I hope to continue spreading ideas of nonviolence in my community and beyond.
Is the conclusion strong enough? Is it memorable?
Thanks so much once again!
"Now, who can tell me how Jason could've handled the situation better without physically harming Jasmine?" I asked to the crowded gymnasium in a loud voice. Only two of the eighth graders raised their hands; I called on one of them, "You in the orange sweater. Go ahead." He hesitantly answered, "Um. Maybe, he could've cursed her out or just walk out on the situation." After hearing his response, I proceeded to explain to the crowd why they should never abuse others, whether it is done physically or verbally. Then, I continued to discuss other strategies Jason could have used to show Jasmine, his girlfriend, how her unfaithfulness made him feel.
Jason and Jasmine are fictional characters in a play called There is No Excuse for Dating Abuse. The play demonstrates an abusive relationship between teenagers. Jason frequently abuses Jasmine, his girlfriend; they have been dating for more than a year. In the play, I am Phil, a friend of Jason who advises him to improve the situation in his relationship. Phil has a significant part in the play, because he is the one to explain to Jason that his actions are resentful. The play is performed by the Start Strong Atlanta teens around the city of Atlanta.
Start Strong Atlanta is an organization aiming to reduce dating violence and to promote healthy relationships. As a peer educator of the Start Strong Atlanta, I am dedicated to promote practices to end teen dating violence and abuse. The peer educators teach youths how to foster healthy relationships and end dating violence by performing plays, teaching interactive lessons, and spreading the message of healthy relationships. Start Strong Atlanta is a collaboration of Grady Memorial Hospital, Atlanta Public Schools, and the Jane Fonda Center at Emory University School of Medicine. I chose to be a part of Start Strong because I was shocked by the violence occurring to and by teenagers in my community. I remember an instance when one of my friends was absent from school because she was badly wounded by her boyfriend. Witnessing the devastation caused by dating violence in my school and community influenced me to take part in an organization aiming to end the atrocious violence.
My interest in the principle of nonviolence was fostered in a rather unusual way. A few years ago, I was watching a Bollywood film called Lage Raho Munna Bhai. The film captures a Mumbai underworld don practicing nonviolence after seeing the spirit of Mahatma Gandhi. The film serves as a criticism of the violence and malice in our daily lives. It captures the true power of humanism and how it can benefit us all in a modern society. This film was hugely inspirational as it showed a man who lived with violence and crime all his life change and submit to nonviolence and truth. After watching the movie, I began to research the morals of Gandhi, and soon encountered the service of Dr. King. Two years later, I was performing a play advocating nonviolence at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Center and was spreading the nonviolence ideals around my community on his birthday.
Through my service at Start Strong, I learned the power of nonviolence. I realized that nonviolence is one of the essential tactics we should all implement in our lives. I believe that all forms of violence are unacceptable. Educating my younger peers on how to avoid dating abuse and how to end it if it starts has given me an inner satisfaction. I realize that I am rendering a service that is both needed and appreciated. In the future, I hope to continue spreading ideas of nonviolence in my community and beyond.
Is the conclusion strong enough? Is it memorable?
