"George from Of Mice and Men" - Fictional Character- Common App Essay

Here is my start to the essay- tell me if you think I'm on the right track, give suggestions for this paragraph and later paragraphs. Thanks so much!

If any fictional character has ever had a significant impact on me, it has been George from Of Mice and Men. I seek to emulate this character because he never fails to protect his disabled friend Lennie, no matter how frustrated and upset Lennie makes him. I understand how difficult it can be living with someone who is disabled. My brother Ryan has a language based learning disability which causes him to misinterpret verbal directions. It often aggravates me when he cannot do something at the speed or efficiency at which it needs to be performed. I always feel guilty for getting annoyed with him. The character George taught me that it is inevitable to feel this way and these feelings are acceptable, as long as I never stop caring for and protecting my brother.

Kayley... come on you can do better than that.
What was this was my first and last question.
There is no story.... no personal touch(


is not showing personal touch.)
Talk about the character.... how he has influenced you to do something worthwhile... let me remind you that this is a admission essay where you are competing with kids from world over. There will be kids with great qualifications or great activities or work experience or something. Read your essay and judge where do you stand infront of them.

Really, is that it? I mean all through your high school, teenage life and everything all you could learn is caring for brother. Excuse me, everyone including me as I have small brother care for him. Does that make you different?

I think before writing ...go through some essays on forum and see what people write. Read the comments and most of all do not try to impress the admission committee. Tell the essay something about yourself and then see the wonders.

I understand that I have been a little a harsh but this is a admission essay and I would not like to be someone who gives false pretenses. Believe in yourself and rack your brains.... I am sure there is the something special in you will reflect in your essay.

Hope this helps... :)