'German shepherd' - Amherst supplement essay- difficulties

I am a little bt unsure of it..can you please help me reviewing it??

5. "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."

I had been Puck's master only for the last year. She is a young dog, specifically a German shepherd. Playing with her I always pretended to understand what her thoughts were. We see dogs and pets in general always in vacant mood, as if they do not think at all. This raised on me a, perhaps simple, question: Why do we have to struggle and pets, as puck, have the most quiet life ever?

Obstacles must ,or have to, come on our way otherwise no achievement can be attained. Just think about science, without any challenge, any unknown path, it can't develop. This is difficulty , an unknown path that has to be discovered. Its mysterious nature fears us. We do not know what to expect and usually it is more comfortable staying with the few certainties we have than searching new ones. Simply walking around I realize how the way we face difficulties defines our future: an old man wanders in the park ruminating on his youth, a guy is under effect of drugs, because he was too weak in facing big or small problems or a honest business man has arrived to the peak of his career thanks to his constancy and perseverance. I strongly believe that the more you dare, the furthest you get. One has to have the strength to push away the fright of breaking down, I guess despairs are simply psychological concepts which impede us to keep trying. However they give the opportunity to discover, to bring into question our ideas and securities, carrying with it the only real satisfaction, which is made of failures and accomplishments. This is the only way I know to be a better person in the future and to attain goals one puts oneself. At the end Puck's tranquility is not such a great philosophy of life for a human being.

Do I have to tell something about my experiences?? or is this also ok??

Your writing skills are really great. But when I was reading, I found your essay a little bit abstract. Actually, if I were the A.O., I would like to hear your own story, how did you overcome obstacles and thrive.

The end kind of sounds like you're talking down about animals, while the beginning sounds positive. Maybe make this correlate better.

Otherwise, I think the ideas here are AMAZING, but maybe too much. The last paragraph seems to be all philosophy; it would be nice if there were some concrete/specific details.

I really like the idea of this, but try to relate it at the end back to you with a specific example.

Just some suggestions:

"raised on me a, perhaps simple, question: Why do we have to struggle and pets, as Puck, have the most quiet life ever?"

since you need to cut off words, maybe start with " perhaps simple". it's a little awkward and unnecessary there. and I'm not quite sure if the "as puck" part is correct.

you second paragraph may need a little more clarity. I was confused when i first read it.

Cheers!

You have good themes/central ideas you're emphasizing in your essay, but I think you should rethink about how to elaborate on these. To me, it seems the focus of your essay is about your time with host parents, but you spend a whole paragraph writing an introduction that doesn't really link to what you're really saying. Although I get what you're trying to do with the beginning, I think you should maybe consider leaving out the first paragraph and start your essay beginning from "I was sad." Then, you have a much more concise essay, and you have more room to explain your trip (where were you living with your host parents?) and how it changed you. However, I really liked this sentence: "Obstacles must come our way otherwise no achievement can be attained." and that ties in more with your general theme, so maybe you should try incorporate it into your conclusion!


Change furthest to further


Try break these sentences down - maybe try clarify what point you're trying to make? I'm a little confused as the first sentence does not really make much sense, and the following sentence stems from that sentence.

Overall, good job! Keep working on it, you have a nice, personal feel to the essay that I'm sure will grab the attention of the AO as long as you make your ideas and experiences more clear.

PS. I visited Amherst, and it was amazing. Good luck! (: It would be great if you could check out my Williams essay

I had been Puck's master only for the last year. She was a young German shepherd. Playing with her I always pretended to understand what her thoughts were.

There should either be a comma after 'playing with her' or a 'while' or 'when' before it... OR a semi colon after 'German Shepherd'...else it's a fragment, I think

This raised on me a, perhaps simple, question: Why do we have to struggle and pets, as Puck, have the most quiet life ever?

I think this could be worded in a better way (as 'raised' doesn't seem to fit), perhaps "It made me wonder: Why must we struggle, while pets like Puck have a quiet, simple existence?"

Just think about science: without any challenge, any unknown path, it can't develop

I had finally decided to tell my host parents everything: I hadn't made friends since being there, and hated my Dutch school

Hope I've been some help! I like the conclusion to your essay; how you realise the key to life is taking risks! Good luck!

Hi! a good content!
Thank you for helping with mine.
I'd like to return the favor =)

A few suggestions here:

I didn't have the strength to try, I was frightened ofby the new; ofby the fact that I didn't know what the answer would have been if I asked a girl in my class to go shopping together. I now strongly believe that the more you dare, the furthest you get. consider revising this sentence =) One has to haveneeds the strength to push away the fright of breaking down; I guess despairs impede us to keep trying. However they give the opportunity to discoverleave rooms for discoveries to be made; bring into question our ideas and securities; and carry with it*Im not sure what "it" refers to the only real satisfaction, which comprises of failures and accomplishments. This is the only way I know to be a better person in the future and to attain my goals.

This is just my opinion, though.
I hope this helps!
good luck!