As they say, everybody needs a stress reliever; golf is my stress reliever. It is the perfect way for me to end a stressful week due to school projects or the constant nagging of parents. It enables me to get away from all of this and into a world of my own. In this world, I no longer have responsibilities like cleaning my room, which is so annoying. My only focus is getting the ball into the hole in the fewest number of strokes. When I start off with the beginning drive, I usually imagine the ball is something that has been bothering me, like my dirty room. I stare at it and scold the ball thinking it is that dirty room. When swinging, I unleash my fury at the maximum level. As violent as it may seem, this course of action brings great pleasure to my mind because, theoretically, I have cleaned my room and my parents are happy. This continues for all 18 holes, and by the end of the day, I have 18 things less to worry about.
'getting the ball into the hole' - Common APP Short Essay
As they say, everybody needs a stress reliever; golf is my stress reliever.
Maybe make it: As they say, everybody needs a stress reliever, and golf is mine.
It is the perfect way for me to end a stressful week due to school projects or the constant nagging of parents. It enables me to get away from all of this and into a world of my own.
My take on it would be: It is the perfect way for me to end a stressful week of school projects and nagging parents, and enables me to escape from all of this and into a world of my own.
In this world, I no longer have responsibilities like cleaning my room, which is so annoying. My only focus is getting the ball into the hole in the fewest number of strokes. When I start off with the beginning drive, I usually imagine the ball is something that has been bothering me, like my dirty room. I stare at it and scold the ball thinking it is that dirty room. When swinging, I unleash my fury at the maximum level. As violent as it may seem, this course of action brings great pleasure to my mind because, theoretically, I have cleaned my room and my parents are happy. This continues for all 18 holes, and by the end of the day, I have 18 things less to worry about.
In this world, I no longer have responsibilities like cleaning my room, which is... (I wouldn't put annoying here...maybe look in a thesaurus for a similar word, because it might give off a wrong impression). My only focus here is getting the ball into the hole in the fewest number of strokes. I start with the beginning drive, usually imagining that the ball is something that has been bothering me, like my messy room. I stare at it and scold the ball thinking it is that bedroom and, when I swing, I unleash my fury at the maximum level. As violent as it may seem, this course of action brings great pleasure to my mind because, theoretically, I have cleaned my room and my parents are happy. This continues for all 18 holes, and by the end of the day, I have 18 things less to worry about.
Really like the ending so well done!
Beginning sentence is a bit repetitive. I suggest taking out "which is so annoying". I like the humor, but the repeated mention of dirty rooms is not something admission officers want to know. Good luck!
"As they say, everybody needs a stress reliever; golf is my stress reliever. "
I would say...take out the "As they say" part. Just state that it is important to YOU that you have a stress reliever, and that it is golf. Also, try not to use the same words (stress reliever) twice in one sentence. Try to avoid generalizations, even if it's a common saying.
"It enables me to get away from all of this and into a world of my own."
Replace "all of this" with "reality"
"In this world, I no longer have responsibilities like cleaning my room, which is so annoying."
Take out the "In this world" part. The reader already knows you're in your own world by then. Take out the part about cleaning being "annoying" as well--it's unnecessary.
Try to take out words that suggest that you might be complaining, or annoyed with something: "nagging" "annoying" "things less to worry about"
Also, maybe try to mention the fact that you don't like cleaning your room in a different way? I can't come up with something right now...but I don't know. And try not to mention how your parents are the ones that make you clean your room, or that cleaning your room makes your parents happy. It makes you sound really naive. =P
Good luck!
I would say...take out the "As they say" part. Just state that it is important to YOU that you have a stress reliever, and that it is golf. Also, try not to use the same words (stress reliever) twice in one sentence. Try to avoid generalizations, even if it's a common saying.
"It enables me to get away from all of this and into a world of my own."
Replace "all of this" with "reality"
"In this world, I no longer have responsibilities like cleaning my room, which is so annoying."
Take out the "In this world" part. The reader already knows you're in your own world by then. Take out the part about cleaning being "annoying" as well--it's unnecessary.
Try to take out words that suggest that you might be complaining, or annoyed with something: "nagging" "annoying" "things less to worry about"
Also, maybe try to mention the fact that you don't like cleaning your room in a different way? I can't come up with something right now...but I don't know. And try not to mention how your parents are the ones that make you clean your room, or that cleaning your room makes your parents happy. It makes you sound really naive. =P
Good luck!
Thank you for the help!
Hey,
I like the humor in you short response I think it shows a great side of you!
I think with some of the corrections above, its greatt!
I like the humor in you short response I think it shows a great side of you!
I think with some of the corrections above, its greatt!
thank you, hope the revision does the trick!
