Hello! This a rough draft of a prompt my teacher has assigned me. I am currently a sophomore in high school, but not very confident in my skills in writing. So I ask you, whoever is reading this to please bear with me and help me out! Thank You Kindly.
1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The 10 o'clock bell rang; everyone, overjoyed and relieved, yelled and rushed for the door. Kids of six to seven years of age running for the playground to swing on that swing set, or climb up the tall tower and then sliding down without care. Those were the good old days. The joy of youth included no tests, no grades, and no worries. Teachers taught us new things and gave us new assignments, but never where they were graded. If you did well you got that gold star, sticking out among the dullness of the assignment. As the days went on, we learned of grades, an "A" was the best, preceded by a "B", then the average "C", then the "D" and the "F". With unseen and unrecognizable pressure put on me by my parents, I would strive to get that "A" no matter what. Until high school approached tests got more intense and grading became stricter. However, in a turn for the worst, little did I know that getting an "A" no matter what was not as easy and unexpected and malevolent methods came to my head to keep that instinct of getting all A's.
The joy of youth included no tests, no grades, and no worries. Teachers taught us new things and gave us new assignments, but never where they were were graded.
No, no! That is not the joy of youth! The joy of youth continues until you start to have age related health complications. Don't miss the joy of youth that you still are having!
With unseen and unrecognizable pressure put on me by my parents, I would strive to get that "A" no matter what.--- this part is confusing. Do you mean they were using subliminal messages?
However, in a turn for the worst, little did I know --- too much, too complicated! This part, I think, should be written more simply. You write so well, though, that I don't think I need to tell you how to do it. Just use some short sentences.
Same thing here... simplify:
...that getting an "A" no matter what was not as easy.
Unexpected and malevolent methods came to my head to keep that instinct of getting all A's.---- be bold and start a new sentence. Your writing is worth reading! Use as many sentence breaks as you want to use! :-) that'll keep it clear. Also, it is fun. I mean, using a lot of sentences is fun. It makes the essay fun to read, too.
I like your draft so far but please explain more on why you think that tests and grades are more intense now than before, and what you are doing now to over come it which may be the reason for you thought.
Thank you guys for your meticulous editing. I will try to revise this draft the best I can, but not very soon. It is because I will be out of town for about a couple days. I will probably re-post my final draft when I get home.
I Appreciate Your Time in Reading my Essay!
Thank You!
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical...
Hi this is a secondary rough draft for an essay I have to write for the summer. Apparently, it was one of the UC College Common Application essays. My teacher wants me to tell a story and basically tell what I learned from it. *Note*Please bear with me for I am not very good at writing and I am not that confident in my writing skills.
Thank You and Enjoy!
1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
As we grew, teachers taught us new things and gave us new assignments, but never where they were graded. If you did well you got that gold star, sticking out among the dullness of the assignment. As the days went on, we learned of grades, an "A" was the best, preceded by a "B", then the average "C", then the "D" and the "F". Being mature, we are not treated like children and are expected to perform well in school. If we did not perform to our parents' best expectations, and they knew we were honest and tried our best it was acceptable. But in my case, with the many "A's" I had gotten in the past, I soon learned that honestly trying my best was better than doing anything for that "A".
The scene was present; I was a freshman at the time, in Math class. The tests were insanely difficult at the time for me and even though I studied, I would still get a "C" or lower. However, I did not take that grade for granted and took the only route out of the grade lower than an "A," and that was by cheating. I heard of a way to somewhat "change my grades" and this was accomplished by "trading papers with a neighbor and correcting each others exams." A majority of the class would also sometimes do this, but the class would just lie to the teacher and take advantage of his steadfastness in our trust. As we graded, my partner and I would manipulate each others grades to each others favor for a couple of tests. But this time, the teacher did a random "spot check" and the whole class was compromised.
After realizing what we had done, the teacher gave us a lecture, not a lecture for just this present error the whole class and I made, but a lecture made for the rest of our lives. I spoke to him personally and apologized about this whole incident that occurred. I told my teacher that I was pressured by my parents to get straight A's and he responded with this, "If your parents knew your situation, it would not matter to them whether you got an A or not. It only matters to them that you work your butt off and always try your best." I learned a valuable lesson from this experience. This situation has given me restraint, control of my evil inhibitions to lie and cheat as wrongfully as I did. I soon found out that being perfect wasn't all that mattered, it was all about trying my best.
You could change this:
As we grew, teachers taught us new things and gave us new assignments, but never where they were graded.
To this:
As we grew, teachers taught us new things and gave us new assignments.Theses assignments where never graded.
"he tests were insanely difficult at the time for me and even though I studied, I would still get a "C" or lower. However, I did not take that grade for granted and took the only route out of the grade lower than an "A," and that was by cheating."
i'm sorry but the above quote is very hard to understand i had to re read it. you might consider re wording