"GlobeMed at Emory" is one that truly sparks my interest- Emory Sup

Undergraduates at Emory and Oxford Colleges are offered countless opportunities to engage with the student body, the faculty, and your academic program of choice-from hands-on research to student organizations to volunteering. What are some of the programs and/or activities you would plan to get involved with on either campus, and what unique qualities will you bring to them? (250 word limit)

Out of the many different organizations offered, "GlobeMed at Emory" is one that truly sparks my interest. This organization is a perfect fit for me, as it combines my interest in the field of health care and my delight of helping out the less fortunate people in the world. Not only is this organization a perfect match for my interests, but I also feel as if my distinctive qualities would profoundly benefit GlobeMed. One quality is my strong ambition to undertake and complete any challenge that stands in my way. GlobeMed at Emory is the ideal organization, as it lays out the many challenges of the health and health care system of impoverished people, especially in third world countries. With my ambitious nature alongside me, I would use everything in my power to not only make a difference in the lives of impoverished people around the world, but also spread awareness to friends and local communities. Another quality is my determination to give back to the world. Having been born in a wealthy family, I have had many things given to me. While I am sincerely grateful for everything that has been given to me, I still believe that it is my obligation to give back to the world that has blessed me with my amazing life. This is why I also plan to join Volunteer Emory, as it is the perfect opportunity for me to give back not only to the world, but also to a great school.

What do you guys think? I will take any criticism. Emory is my number 1 college and I really want this essay to be perfect

Hello! Thank you for commenting on my essay, I'm just returning the favor! :)

I think that the essay is a bit vague and sometimes choppy. Can you think of any event in your life which demonstrates your ambition or determination? Could you possibly use one of these events to portray why you would be a great fit for GlobeMed and how you would contribute to it?

I included a few edits, you don't have to listen to them if you don't like them, though. If you do like my comments, please give me a thumbs up :)

Out of the many different organizations offered, "GlobeMed at Emory" is one that truly sparks my interest. This organization is a perfect fit for me, as it combines my interest in the field of health care and my passion for helping less fortunate people in the world.As I participate in GlobeMed, I'll be able to use many of my distinctive qualities to benefit the program. (Or something like that... I think that the other sentence is a bit awkward) One quality is my strong ambition to undertake and complete any challenge that stands in my way. GlobeMed at Emory is the ideal organization, as it lays out the many challenges of the health and health care system of impoverished people, especially in third world countries. With my ambitious nature alongside me, I would use everything in my power to not only make a difference in the lives of impoverished people around the world, but also spread awareness to friends and local communities. Another quality is my determination to give back to the world. Having been born in a wealthy family, I have had many things given to me. (maybe omit the portion where you say you're from a wealthy family) While I am sincerely grateful for everything that has been given to me I have , I still believe that it is my obligation to give back to the world that has blessed me with my amazing life. This is why I also plan to join Volunteer Emory, as it is the perfect opportunity for me to give back not only to the world, but also to a great school. I wouldn't mention Volunteer Emory at the end; it just seems random

Thanks for the help! I really appreciate it!