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'Going through high school' - UF Admissions Event Essay



annahpyra 2 / 5  
Oct 26, 2012   #1
I'm currently very close to 500 words, so if you'd like to find anything I could remove that would be awesome! I just wrote it today so I'm sure it needs a lot of editing. And I'm currently in the process of removing the "be verbs" Thank you :)

ESSAY:

Twelve hour days, unbearable heat, and a long list of smoothies all describe my four year-long meaningful event. This event is high school. High school involved a ridiculous amount of AP classes, color guard practices, and squeezing in enough time to work. What made high school so meaningful wasn't passing these AP exams or winning a few competitions, it was being able to successfully balance all of these things and enjoy myself in the process.

"The best four years of your life", a quote often overused when describing what is to be anticipated in high school. I've found that it may not be the best, but it's certainly the busiest. I have never been one of those students who can get good grades without studying, I've spent endless hours re-reading chapters and making flashcards in order to succeed. For every grade I've gotten, I've worked for it. This of course became increasingly harder as I began to challenge myself by juggling a larger number of AP classes as well as developing a broader curiosity for learning.

Joining my school's color guard team freshman year, seemed like an excellent opportunity to get involved as well as a means to meet these new people that I would be spending my next four years with. I was in for a treat; we had practice about ten hours a week, as well as football games every Friday, and band competitions that would last from early morning until late at night. I was in a constant battle between utter exhaustion and meeting the high demands of my teachers. The best feeling however, was not giving up, but managing to have a four hour practice and acing my tests the next day.

Just when I thought that life couldn't be any busier, my junior year I got a job in hopes of getting a small taste of the "real world" before having to blindly step into it. Every day that I wasn't practicing or even sometimes after practice, I was making smoothies like there was nothing else I needed to do -which was quite the opposite- eventually I began to thrive at work and loved the idea that hard work could get you anywhere. Eventually I was promoted to a manager position at my job and I was even happier with my success, although then I began to have even less time than before.

High school was such a meaningful event because it pushed me farther than I have ever been pushed to before. Going through high school the way I did - experiencing and dealing with these situations- will allow me to thrive at the University of Florida, not only just in academics, but in anything else I wish to do. Although a lot will be required of me, my experiences in high school have prepared me for any situation that might be thrown at me and I'll be able to represent UF in the best possible way.

SyntaxVoid 2 / 5  
Oct 27, 2012   #2
The beginning of your first sentence is a good attention grabber, but the "describe a meaningful event" part is a little out of place. I would replace that with something like, maybe " ... all describe the condition known as "high school." " (im not sure if you should put the quotes around high school. in my opinion that puts a little humor into it as well as keeping it on the point and really grabbing hold of the readers attention. For the rest of that paragraph you're going to want to talk about what the "condition of "high school"" is. I think that the 2nd and 1st paragraph go well together. You should combine the two.

'
I'm short on time right now so I skipped to the end. I think you should change your topic sentence of your first paragraph to something along the lines of "high school has pushed me towards ... and that is why it was such a meaningful event to me." I think the last few sentences of your concluding paragraph were very strong though.

I am only a high school student though, so don't regard this as an 'expert opinion'. Good luck!!
FutureScholar 2 / 3  
Oct 27, 2012   #3
All right. Your essay is extremely wordy. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( )

"The best four years of your life(,) " a quote often overused when describing what is to be (Wordy) anticipated in high school . I've found that it (Pronoun Reference) may not be the best, but it's certainly the busiest. I have never been one of those students who can get good grades without studying(;) I've spent endless hours re-reading chapters and making flashcards in order to succeed. For every grade I (received) , I've worked for it. This of course became increasingly harder as I (challenged) myself by juggling a larger number of AP classes (and) developing a broader curiosity for learning (each year) .

Joining (the) color guard team freshman year ( ) seemed like an excellent opportunity to get involved (and) meet ( ) new people ( ) . I was in for a treat; we (practiced) about ten hours a week, (including) football games every Friday, and band competitions that (lasted) from early morning until late at night. I was in a constant battle between utter exhaustion and meeting the high demands of my teachers. The best feeling(; however,) was ( ) managing to have a four hour practice and acing my tests the (following) day.

Just when I thought that life couldn't be any busier ( ) my junior year (,) I got a job (.)in hopes of getting a small taste of the "real world" before having to blindly step into it. (make this into a new sentence) Every day that I wasn't practicing or even sometimes after practice, I was making smoothies (State you employer. Ex: McDonald's) like there was nothing else I needed to do -which was quite the opposite- eventually I began to thrive at work and loved the idea that hard work could get you anywhere (This sentence is extremely wordy) . Eventually I was promoted to a manager position at my job (,) and I was even happier with my success (.)although then I began to have even less time than before. (make this into a new sentence)

High school was such a meaningful event because it pushed me farther than (ever) before (ClichĂŠ) . Going through high school the way I did - experiencing and dealing with these situations- will (allows) me to thrive at the University of Florida, not only just in academics, but in anything else I wish to do. Although a lot will be required of me, my experiences in high school have prepared me for any situation that might be thrown at me(,) and I'll be able to represent UF in the best possible way.

Please review my corrections and see if you would like them. You also need to find synonyms for most of your words. It is always preferred to start and end a sentence with a noun. Try not to use (-) so much. Good Luck!
OP annahpyra 2 / 5  
Oct 28, 2012   #4
Thank you both!
maggiemay 2 / 5  
Oct 28, 2012   #5
"but it's certainly the busiest." I would not use conjunctions and change this to: but it certainly is the busiest.
"I have never been one of those students who can get good grades without studying," change to 'a student'
"without studying (;) I've spent endless hours"
"by juggling a larger number of AP classes" I would change this to: 'a heavier cours load full of'
"to get involved as well as a means to meet these new people that I would be spending my next four years with. " remove 'these'. Blue part is a little bit awkward.

"The best feeling (,) however, was not giving up, but managing to have a four hour practice and acing my tests the next day. " Add comma. For blue: awkward. but does not really fit there.

These are just suggestions! But other than that your essay was really well written. Your last paragraph was excellent! It pulled the whole piece together and really conveyed why you should be accepted! Good job! :)

If you don't mind, could you check out my common app essay? Any feedback is much appreciated! Thanks :)


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