Please provide feedback and proofreading
Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experience.
"Do a good turn daily." The words of this slogan have been embedded into my brain by my scout leaders and parents ever since I entered the Boy Scouts. When I thought of volunteering, I believed that it would just be another burden upon my busy lifestyle. I did not realize that it would affect my life in the way it did. Through volunteering and Boy Scouts, I grew immensely as a person and developed so many qualities that textbooks would not be able to help with. Because of this, I will most certainly be an asset to contributing to the Rutgers environment.
It all started when I was forced to do community service in order to move up in rank in Boy Scouts. At this time, I was a very timid, young teenager who did not want to be obligated to do something against my will. Despite my efforts to avoid this requirement, I had to give in and "volunteer" by doing community service
Fortunately, I chose Sayreville BIC, which is an association to help brain injured children. When I arrived, I was pleasantly surprised. I walked in and saw "normal-looking" children, some with noticeable disabilities; however, they were having the time of their lives acting as if they had none at all. This helped change my mind and taught me never to judge a situation because of negative stereotypes created by others.
Moreover, even though I fulfilled the requirement in a few months, I still continued to volunteer with these children because when I entered the doors of the center, a sense of accomplishment overwhelmed me. Interestingly, as I worked with this group, I grew out of my shell, gained leadership skills, and became a better individual. I started as a young scout looking for volunteer hours, and I grew up into a young man searching for a project to attain the highly selective rank of Eagle for Boy Scouts. In order to give back to the program that gave me so much self-fulfillment, I hosted a Summer Olympics with various activities for the campers to compete in. Here, I demonstrated the leadership qualities that I learned since the first day I started helping the disabled.
Volunteering has given me a new outlook on my life. Before, I took for granted my conditions. Now, I am willing to help others less fortunate. Through this experience, I learned not to do deeds for others only when it is required because by helping others, I gained so much in return. I became more outgoing, and I gained a sense of accomplishment that no other activity could provide. Volunteering gave me an outlook on life that I can only hope will spread into the Rutgers community. I can help spread this attitude to help others who truly need it.
Rutgers will certainly enable me to take my ideas of volunteering to a much larger scale. It will provide me with other community service programs where I can help others all around the country and even the world. For example, clubs like Awareness to Action, will let me continue to further my addiction to aiding the unfortunate by letting me lead my peers into serving the community through local neighborhood projects. Also, I could use Rutgers University's study abroad program to take it to a global scale. I could go to an underdeveloped third world country and make the inhabitants lives a better place. Rutgers will present me with an abundance of ways to get involved and make the community and world a better place.
All in all, my characteristics correspond with the programs Rutgers offers. I am a well rounded individual who could bring a lot into the Rutgers environment. Volunteering has brought out my best traits and has shaped me to be a leader who can succeed at Rutgers University.
Thanks in advance
Overall, it's a really good essay. I really enjoyed reading it and felt inspired to get up and volunteer in new ways. I would change these little things:
Fortunately, I chose Sayreville BIC:an association dedicated to helping brain injured children.
I would take out interestingly:
Interestingly, as I worked with this group, I grew out of my shell, gained leadership skills, and became a better individual. I started as a young scout looking for volunteer hours, and I grew up into a young man searching for a project to attain the highly selective rank of Eagle for Boy Scouts.
I'd change "Before, I took for granted my conditions" to "Before volunteering, I took my own healthy conditions for granted" (or you don't have to put in healthy...either way it need to get switched around)
Take out the comma after action in: "For example, clubs like Awareness to Action,..."
I would combine these two sentences- "Also, I could use Rutgers University's study abroad program to take it to a global scale. I could go to an underdeveloped third world country and make the inhabitants lives a better place." into:
Also, I could use Rutgers University's study abroad program to serve on a global scale by going to an underdeveloped third world country and making the inhabitants' lives a better place.
Hope it helps...they're just little stuff here and there, and of course, you don't have to use all of them, but you're essay is really good =]
-Miranda
You got some good feedback from mstratton8, and i would add that this sentence can be improved:
...some of whom had noticeable disabilities; however, they were having the time of their lives and acting as if they suffered from nothing at all.
Good luck!!
Kevin
