'my GPA would definitely soar' - Common Emerson College

I have used this essay before and have been accepted to other colleges, but I just want to make sure that it is PERFECT for Emerson College.

Question: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

I have always been able to go out and get what I want from determination. Since college has started, I have been in a rut, to put it bluntly. I have changed from major to major, unsure of what to do with my life exactly. I also stayed at a school that I hated so much, all for comfort. It was the "traditional" college experience, and it was so close to home. I had instantly gotten used to living in a shell. I was not living out my dreams like I had promised I would.

I feel if I do transfer into Emerson, the experience will take me out of the calm atmosphere that I have been accustomed to. I believe that here I will not rely on my parents as much as I do now. I sense that attending Emerson will give me a feel of wonder, an independence, to be exact. For instance, I would be living in a city! Given all the new and exciting things, I will not have the opportunity to run back to "Mommy and Daddy." Being in a different place will help me make decisions on my own more thoughtfully. This will give me a chance to open my eyes to new opportunities in theatre, radio, and film that I would otherwise never get to experience elsewhere.

If I were to transfer to Emerson my GPA would definitely soar. After I realized that URI was not a true fit for me, I got into the mode of being unmotivated. I knew that I could do so much better at a school that will lead me in the direction I needed to be in. I know that with what the theatre major Emerson has to offer can lead me to bigger and better things in the future. For instance, the theatre studies program is more rigorous than what other universities have to offer. Also, while URI offers a general curriculum of these majors, this institution offers what I would like to do in the major itself. The internship opportunities here will give me more of a feel for the field.

If I am admitted into Emerson, I know I will be able to soar with the alumni. I know that the opportunities and learning experiences that I can experience here will be with me forever. This is the only college that I have ever laid my eyes upon and said with confidence, 'This is home'. At Emerson I will become person I strive to be. Emerson is where I am meant to be.

Please, let me know what you think.

Hello, I hope that you find these suggestions helpful. I am at work so I only had time to work on the introductory paragraph, but I will try to come back to your essay later.

Until entering college, I had little difficulty getting what I wanted using nothing but sheer determination. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a rut since the start of my college career. .

Using the word "always" implies that you continue to have no difficulty getting what you want. You contradict your opening statement in the next sentence, so I changed it a bit to be more accurate.

I have changed from major to major, unsure of what it was that I wished to do with my life. I was dissatisfied with the institution in which I had enrolled, yet I continued to persevere out of comfort. Although it offered a "traditional" college experience and it was close to home, I found myself becoming used to living in a shell. I was not living out my dreams like I had promised I would.

You should avoid any negative comments directed at your current institution. Admissions folks tend to frown upon that. Likewise, you should work on connecting your thoughts and statements in ways that flow a bit better.

General comments:
Avoid using slang or informal language ("I will soar..." "mommy and daddy..." etc.)
Be more particular or detailed regarding important statements that sum you up as a candidate (internship opportunities, for example)
Avoid contradicting yourself and hyperbole ("this is the only college I have ever laid eyes on...")

Good luck!