"You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay

Hi,
I'm applying to Brown and looking for honest feedback on my Why Brown? essay. It's currently 95 words over the limit but I will work to shave it down once I get some feedback. Thanks.

Why Brown? (200 words)

"Daniel, ti dolzhn byt nezavisimy" my father said as he called me down for our nightly homework check."You're a seventh grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork."

My father's words marked the beginning of my parents' withdrawal from micro-managing my academics. By giving me the power to shape my future, they assigned me with the task of following my interests and creating my motivation.

At Brown, the open curriculum presents a unique fusion of freedom and responsibility. In this independent academic environment, the courses I choose to take will reflect my passions. Without the restraints of a fixed curriculum, I will be guided by my self-driven and inquisitive spirit.

My goal is to contribute to historical knowledge. I hope to work with a professor like Professor Pollack, whose research on Soviet-Cold-War history resonates with my cultural background.

While my parents gave me academic autonomy, Brown will provide me with freedom to explore my interests and integrate them with a broader liberal arts education through interdisciplinary courses like "The Politics of Knowledge." Freedom sparks creativity and creativity spurs progress. By studying at Brown, I look to be part of a free-thinking community that will support my intellectual growth.

Unique opening -good job!

Suggestions:
Spell out "seventh grader"

In the second paragraph, remove "night" as you've already established this in the opening statement. You've made an excellent phrasing choice: "withdrawal from micro-managing".

"In giving me the power" should be "By giving..." (When unsure a phrase is correct, consider how it would sound at the end of the sentence. If it isn't smoothly interchangeable, then it should be changed.

Paragraph five: consider changing "just as" to "while"

Last paragraph, "In studying" should be "By studying"

Overall, your message is clear and interesting. The reader of this essay will be enticed to read from beginning to end, no doubt.

Thanks for the suggestions. Now I need to figure out how to cut it down to 200 words.

In the third paragraph, it would be helpful to mention the courses that you wish to take, ones that exemplify this open curriculum you're talking about. Also, before you start the fourth paragraph, you need to mention that you have an interest in history. The way you phrased the first sentence of the fourth paragraph makes it sound as if you already mentioned it or that we should already know that you have an interest in history, but we don't.

Summer experience at Brown? What experience? What did you do? Be specific.

Thank you for the feedback. I already did mention my passion for history in my other essays for Brown. This is the last essay that they ask you to write so I don't want to seem redundant.

The opening line is awesome. It made me make a second look at what you were talking about and really drew me in.


Perhaps in this area you can considering mentioning one of those passions.


An integral part of my interest in history is my goal of contributing to historical knowledge. I hope to work with a professor like Professor Pollack, whose work on Soviet Cold War history resonates with my cultural background.

Remove this and reword that initial sentence.

This is after I've cut it down to 200 words and applied your advice. Problem is that I had to cut out the part about working at the manuscript library. I wish this essay had a 300 word limit.

I've had to shave down a lot of the detail because of the 200 word limit.