Hello you guys. I had difficulty with this essay because of second part of the prompt: "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
Does my essay adequately answer the two questions in the prompt? Is it clear?
Any feedback very much appreciated.
And another question, do both of the UC personal statements have to amount up to exactly 1000 words? My other essay is 291 words and this one is 632. 923 words in all for both essays.
Thanks.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My grandmother is an amazing lady and I have not had the chance to spend time or learn from her in a while. What makes me proud of my grandmother? My grandmother lost a child who would have been my uncle. While mourning for her son, my grandmother was still able to earn the money that allowed her family to escape Communist Cambodia; Grandma practically saved the whole family from perishing. Shortly after settling in California, Grandma opened a sewing machine factory, despite not knowing any English, that aided her family financially; the money received from the factory helped her move her seven person family from a miniscule one story house to a grand two story house. How do I make my grandmother proud of me to make up for all the lost time I could have had with her?
Business is Grandma's forte and her ability in that field is supported by her flexibility and drive to do well in life all the while keeping her family values, which is true to all dragons. All of Grandma's children, my father and my cousins' mother and fathers, are entrepreneurs. Business seems to run in the family veins, but the problem is that her children are not doing so well in their businesses. I have known for a while now too; it is even more evident since my mother has been complaining how difficult it is to pay the house and the restaurant bills with little income. It worries me. I know Grandma had to take some risks, and those risks were to help the family as a whole.
The economy makes it difficult for my own parents to manage their Chinese fast food restaurant. With the little money my parents earn, my mother wants to spend the money to advertise and even add new additions to the restaurant, which is not economically viable as I have stressed it to her many times. Mom does not think I know enough about the business world to make great suggestions. Grandma knows of my family's economic troubles and constantly offers my parents her assistance, but, of course, my parents decline her offer. I am not sure if my parents' pride will be hurt in accepting the help or if it is the Chinese ethics that keep them taking Grandma's offer.
Nonetheless, as people we should be able to accept help when we really need it.
My parents always tell my brothers and me to study hard and be successful in school so that we do not have a life like theirs. My parents work twelve hours each day seven days a week, come home at ten o' clock every night, and the only holiday they close on is Christmas. I have a strong feeling that my parents do not know how to manage their own business very well, but then again they were deprived of any education and experience upon setting foot in this country. They tell us to go to college and come out successful, that alone will make them proud. Being the oldest, I feel obligated to achieve that goal for them, my grandma, and myself.
My parents' lack of success in their business has piqued my interest in the business field. How is it that my parents are unsuccessful at their business whereas Grandma has received a great amount of success? The mechanics and technicalities behind a successful business is what want to know. Business relies on techniques, connections, and customers. All the times I did not spend with my grandmother should be made up in the form of achievements that will make Grandma proud. I will help out the family in any way I can with the knowledge I have earned and my position as the first born in the family.
Does my essay adequately answer the two questions in the prompt? Is it clear?
Any feedback very much appreciated.
And another question, do both of the UC personal statements have to amount up to exactly 1000 words? My other essay is 291 words and this one is 632. 923 words in all for both essays.
Thanks.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My grandmother is an amazing lady and I have not had the chance to spend time or learn from her in a while. What makes me proud of my grandmother? My grandmother lost a child who would have been my uncle. While mourning for her son, my grandmother was still able to earn the money that allowed her family to escape Communist Cambodia; Grandma practically saved the whole family from perishing. Shortly after settling in California, Grandma opened a sewing machine factory, despite not knowing any English, that aided her family financially; the money received from the factory helped her move her seven person family from a miniscule one story house to a grand two story house. How do I make my grandmother proud of me to make up for all the lost time I could have had with her?
Business is Grandma's forte and her ability in that field is supported by her flexibility and drive to do well in life all the while keeping her family values, which is true to all dragons. All of Grandma's children, my father and my cousins' mother and fathers, are entrepreneurs. Business seems to run in the family veins, but the problem is that her children are not doing so well in their businesses. I have known for a while now too; it is even more evident since my mother has been complaining how difficult it is to pay the house and the restaurant bills with little income. It worries me. I know Grandma had to take some risks, and those risks were to help the family as a whole.
The economy makes it difficult for my own parents to manage their Chinese fast food restaurant. With the little money my parents earn, my mother wants to spend the money to advertise and even add new additions to the restaurant, which is not economically viable as I have stressed it to her many times. Mom does not think I know enough about the business world to make great suggestions. Grandma knows of my family's economic troubles and constantly offers my parents her assistance, but, of course, my parents decline her offer. I am not sure if my parents' pride will be hurt in accepting the help or if it is the Chinese ethics that keep them taking Grandma's offer.
Nonetheless, as people we should be able to accept help when we really need it.
My parents always tell my brothers and me to study hard and be successful in school so that we do not have a life like theirs. My parents work twelve hours each day seven days a week, come home at ten o' clock every night, and the only holiday they close on is Christmas. I have a strong feeling that my parents do not know how to manage their own business very well, but then again they were deprived of any education and experience upon setting foot in this country. They tell us to go to college and come out successful, that alone will make them proud. Being the oldest, I feel obligated to achieve that goal for them, my grandma, and myself.
My parents' lack of success in their business has piqued my interest in the business field. How is it that my parents are unsuccessful at their business whereas Grandma has received a great amount of success? The mechanics and technicalities behind a successful business is what want to know. Business relies on techniques, connections, and customers. All the times I did not spend with my grandmother should be made up in the form of achievements that will make Grandma proud. I will help out the family in any way I can with the knowledge I have earned and my position as the first born in the family.
