I was wondering if there was anybody that could please review my University of Florida admissions essay and provide a good title for it.
Here is the prompt:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Here is the response:
On February 18, 2008 my Grandmother was diagnosed with late stage 3 and early stage four lung cancer. This came as a surprise to all of the family, being as my grandma was one of the healthiest people I had ever known. She decided to try the chemotherapy program to see if it would have any effects on the quick growing cancer that had already spread through the lungs and in some other places too. We all hoped that the chemotherapy would be what it took in order to destroy the cancer intruding in her body.
On Christmas day 2010 she was admitted to the hospital because she could not eat or drink anything. This is the time when she started to lose her voice, eventually she lost it completely. At the beginning of the New Year she decided she would be moved to a hospice house where she would live out the remainder of her amazing life. She set all of her wishes for when she passed. I spent almost two weeks out of school, staying by her side and talking to her by her notepad and my voice. During this time in hospice we had found out that the doctor that was treating her with chemotherapy was lying to her the whole time. Instead of the tumor shrinking like the doctor said it was, the tumor was actually growing. We couldn't believe what we were hearing especially since we could have been finding her trials that could possibly have worked.
On the day of January 23, 2011, after a hard fought battle, my loving grandmother died of advanced stage 4 cancer. She asked us to have a party celebrating her life, rather than a day of mourning her death. She also told me that she would always be watching over me and to accomplish my goal and work hard. This meant I needed to work hard for my goal of becoming a doctor. I had always wanted to become a doctor and now it was even more of something I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to be able to help the people that had cancer, and also to be able to give families the full time with their family member like I was deprived of.
The whole concept here is good. You put things in order very well but you need to change some of the words around. its Not quite there yet you need to go in to detail on why. and the vocab that you used in some lines werent quite there you need to let them no who you are (stand out)
The concept is imparted well.As I read it, there little bit of error I just found out like unable using of commas. However, it doesn't matter because the details urged me to be emotional. I think that's the important technique to be applied in writing an essay- to entertain the readers...
thank you both i will definitely fix those errors and add some better vocab.
The idea presented in this essay is very eye opening, although word choice is a big issue. Just as I read the essay, i changed up the wording a little. Changing words and adding rich vocabulary attracts the reader more and also makes the actual essay flow better. Work on those two things and try adding a few more details to create more of a story for the reader and then you'll be just fine!
