Final draft of the University of California Prompt #1
please critique as harshly as possible. i already know the first paragraph is kinda choppy, i was limited with my word count. please and thank you! =D
My family is my world, and they have inspired me to pursue a degree in higher education. I am an only child, born to a single mother. My mother, is well... my mother. We have the coolest mother-daughter relationship that I have ever known. She has always been there for me when I needed her. I have watched her struggle to maintain a full time job, handle health issues, and pursue an R.N. degree at a local community college. Through her struggles I have learned to be strong, especially through the toughest of times.
My father abandoned me before I was born, but my mother's family quickly stepped in to fill his place. My grandmother is like a second mother. She makes sure I'm on top of everything and is always there for me as well. My aunt and uncle are Stanford graduates. They are my personal tutors and college guidance counselors.
If it weren't for my family, I do not know if I would be dreaming as big, or aiming as high. But my dreams and aspirations are not only inspired by my family, they are also inspired by something much greater than I could have ever imagined. My inspiration is two small words with more meanings than a dictionary: incurable disease.
This year, more than 1.5 million people will be diagnosed with cancer and more than 450,000 with Alzheimer's. For my family, we know these statistics all too well. On February 15th of this year, my great-grandmother succumbed to Alzheimer's after years of struggling with the disease. In the days leading up to her passing, she suffered from hallucinations, was unable to eat, and was so disoriented that she was unable to communicate on her 94th birthday.
This really hit me hard and got me thinking about the history of health problems and cancer in my family. I want to prevent other families from having to go through what my family did watching my great-grandmother suffer. This experience has inspired my dream to become a biomedical engineer and to strive to create treatments to slow down the progression of incurable diseases. Furthermore, I dream to one day be a part of the biomedical team that discovers a cure for the cancers that have taken so many lives.
The world of my family has taught me everything it can, and now it is time to venture beyond the world of my family and into the new world of college where I can reach for and achieve my dreams.
please critique as harshly as possible. i already know the first paragraph is kinda choppy, i was limited with my word count. please and thank you! =D
My family is my world, and they have inspired me to pursue a degree in higher education. I am an only child, born to a single mother. My mother, is well... my mother. We have the coolest mother-daughter relationship that I have ever known. She has always been there for me when I needed her. I have watched her struggle to maintain a full time job, handle health issues, and pursue an R.N. degree at a local community college. Through her struggles I have learned to be strong, especially through the toughest of times.
My father abandoned me before I was born, but my mother's family quickly stepped in to fill his place. My grandmother is like a second mother. She makes sure I'm on top of everything and is always there for me as well. My aunt and uncle are Stanford graduates. They are my personal tutors and college guidance counselors.
If it weren't for my family, I do not know if I would be dreaming as big, or aiming as high. But my dreams and aspirations are not only inspired by my family, they are also inspired by something much greater than I could have ever imagined. My inspiration is two small words with more meanings than a dictionary: incurable disease.
This year, more than 1.5 million people will be diagnosed with cancer and more than 450,000 with Alzheimer's. For my family, we know these statistics all too well. On February 15th of this year, my great-grandmother succumbed to Alzheimer's after years of struggling with the disease. In the days leading up to her passing, she suffered from hallucinations, was unable to eat, and was so disoriented that she was unable to communicate on her 94th birthday.
This really hit me hard and got me thinking about the history of health problems and cancer in my family. I want to prevent other families from having to go through what my family did watching my great-grandmother suffer. This experience has inspired my dream to become a biomedical engineer and to strive to create treatments to slow down the progression of incurable diseases. Furthermore, I dream to one day be a part of the biomedical team that discovers a cure for the cancers that have taken so many lives.
The world of my family has taught me everything it can, and now it is time to venture beyond the world of my family and into the new world of college where I can reach for and achieve my dreams.
