I tried to do make this essay as best as I can but I feel there is just something wrong here.
Prompt#1 Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
It was my first day volunteering at a nursing home for Alzheimer's patients. All the nurses were busy with their work. With nothing to do, one of the managers asked me to go and talk with some of the residents.
It was my first time I had been in a nursing home. I was nervous and shy and had a hard time creating a conversation with the residents. I had only met them for a few seconds and I did not know what to do. Some of them looked like they could not pay attention or were even awake at all.
There was this one lady who was sitting in a chair outside her room, and was just looking around. As I sat next to her, I tried to create a conversation by asking about her personal life. There were some sad things and some good things I heard and it felt like I learned more about her life story. Sometimes she was just repeating things due to dementia. But I wondered why were these residents staying here and not at home if they looked as fine as she did.
During my free time, there were many paper that were placed on the wall. I was quite curious and read through each one of them. It was only until I read them all did I realize that Alzheimer's disease was a more fatal disease than what I had initially imagined. Some of the residents I saw were just like the living dead. It was just unbelievable that something like that existed. As I looked around, some of the residents do resemble the living dead and I just seemed helpless as I could do nothing about it.
A week after, the nurses asked me to help them in their activities. When I did help out, some of the residents started smiling and talked with me. Naturally I responded back and I saw how they were having fun with not only the activities, but especially when having a conversation with me. It was as if they were doing the activities because of me and they were people having the most fun because of it.
Since then, I had talked to many different residents and helped their activities. Sometimes I would remember about the living dead I read about. It just pains me that people could suffer as if they were already dead. Every time I work with the residents, I want to prevent them from ever reaching that level of Alzheimer's disease. It is only when I see other people having fun can I feel good about myself. I know that no one can play by themselves and that it hurts their health when they have no enjoyment in the activities.
From a combination of events that happened during my time at the nursing home, I realized that my interests lies in the medical field. I want to help all people in need of both the older and new generations and hope that I can prove my worth in doing so. I want to make people realize that by finding out their concerns, they do not need to fight alone and people are there to help.
So I like the content in your essay. I too work at a nursing home and completely understand where you are coming from.
Heres some things you can expand on:
"Some of the residents I saw were just like the living dead."
How? What were they doing? You left this kind of open ended. The next two sentences following that are repetitive so maybe you can revise them or take them out completely.
"Since then, I had talked to many different residents and helped their activities. Sometimes I would remember about the living dead I read about. It just pains me that people could suffer as if they were already dead"
Again, you use to word living dead a lot. Try to actually describe how they acted, looked instead of giving it the definition "Living dead"
The conclusion could also be stronger. Are you affected by Alzheimer's disease and want to pursue medicine to find a cure?
Im no professional but I hope I helped!
thanks I know about the living dead part like its been really weird because I was too focused on the word count and that I don't wanna put anymore than I needed to and explaining ti would use up alot more words. Imma try to edit some out that i found unnecessary and put some explanations in there.
anybody else got any other suggestions or criticisms. I completely made a new essay like twice and i am not afraid to do it again if its really bad.
"During my free time,there were many paper that were placed on the wall."
I'm no professional but this sentence just sounds a little weird to me!
Could try to write this in some other way?
good catch there, I have to fix that part. thanks
