Great interest into helping people, especially children, University of Michigan

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION (Approximately 250 words)
What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan? If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why?

Since I was little, I showed a great interest into helping people, especially children. Everything about children captivates me. Their childish voice and actions, their innocent ways, and their smile. I consider children as cute little brothers and sisters with great potentials and hope to our future.

My first experience with a child was a two year old boy named Joshua. His family were members of our church so we met a lot and we often visited each other's house. Joshua was the only child so he was happy whenever he saw us. My family adored the curious little Joshua, who repeated everything we said with a question mark at the end. I especially liked playing with him and teaching him at the same time what to do and not to do. Sometimes I babysat him, which was the first huge responsibility ever given to me. I didn't always understand him and honestly, it wasn't always fun. But babysitting Joshua broadened my understandings about children. My main one is that children have little knowledge, therefore, they don't know how to express in a way we can understand. In order to understand them, we need to observe and listen to them carefully.

I chose pediatrics because I wish to work with children, but there is something more than that. Mathematics have always been an excitement for me. When I first took chemistry class in eleventh grade I was surprised how much I liked it; even though the grade had not reached my expectations. Solving mathematical problems, doing research, performing experiments, learning new things and the challenges were all interesting and exciting. It all widened my perspective of the world.

In our everyday life we work hard to improve our country and our planet, but everything is meaningless if we don't educate and raise our next generation properly. We are all teachers and parent figures with a special job to take care of them, guide them, and love them. My experience with Joshua and the challenges in chemistry made me strong, disciplined, determined, and willing to take any challenge and opportunity in my way and make of it an experience that will significantly contribute to my development as a person and as a professional.

Is it possible to help me with this for today?
Please, the deadline is today.
I will appreciate it very very much!
Any corrections or comments also!
btw i know the 2nd and 3rd paragraph needs special attention....

I don't understand the purpose of the first paragraph, and I don't think that you need it there. It's generic and you should generally avoid saying things like "we should do this this" or "we have tendency to think this way". You only have 250 words, be personal!


That'd be a much better start of your essay.


there's absolutely no transition here. You put 1 sentence out there about helping people, and move on to math and LEARNING? never EVER put learning as a passion, it's like saying "I like bleh..."

now, you need to develop on the idea of helping people. Don't start talking about something, then immediately going off about somethign else. I suggest that you spend at least 1 paragraph on a SPECIFIC and PERSONAL example about helping people/kids.


where does that come from? You just mentioned math/bleh, now it's bio and chem? come on, have some focus!

Your third paragraph is definitely out of place, it should've been right after you said: I like to help people. It's still very broad. You talk about how you are


, yet I can say the same thing and it wouldn't matter at ALL. You can't just say good things about yourself without ANY sort of support. It's like writing a research paper solely based on hypothesis and conjecture, without experimentation/actual data to back it up.

I'd suggest you structuring your essay this way:
find your focus, do you want to talk about kids? If so, try to tie your major to it. Math/science? works 2. CHOOSE 1 out of these 2. you've only got 250 words, no time to go back and forth.

1st paragraph: come up with an interesting intro. the beginning of a story for example. college essays should be personal stories that respond to the prompt, not scattered theses all over the place.

2nd paragraph: using that story or short anecdote, link your interest to that. For instance, you could talk about the emotions you felt on the podium after winning a bio/chem contest in the first paragraph, and in depth about how you've come to like the subject, and what part of it you like (don't get technical here). you need to keep the reader interested by telling a story, not showing off the bit of knowledge you know about these subjects, or worse, mention them in a general way that could be done by ANYONE. remember, you are 1 out of 1000, stand out!

3rd paragraph: conclude. If you don't have space left, don't. a conclusion is unnecessary, but if you feel like it, do it.

overall, if you wish to have an essay that actually will help you, rewrite it in a much more personal way. The reader wants to know about you, and it's not through mentioning your interests, which are very typical of Asians anyway, that'll pull you through.

hahaha yea i thought it sounded weird too
i'll try to rewrite it
thank you yang for your honesty and time!