Hello all,
Below is my essay in response to "Reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and how these reasons are related to your past exp. and life goals"
Please critique my essay and tell me anything I can improve. I felt my transition from paragraph to paragraph is very weak, would you guys please comment (on anything at all would be greatly appreciated)?
Thank you sincerely.
------------- Essay:
Dear sir/madam, how are you doing today? Please forgive me for opening my essay in such an informal manner, for I'm afraid I might begin and bore you with a cliché. The Peace Corps has always been a growing interest of mine since junior year in college. I see the Peace Corps as a special opportunity for me to make positive impacts on those who are underprivileged and to grow as a person while experiencing life in a different country.
As a college sophomore, I was a peer tutor for Pre-Calculus and Calculus at the university learning center, where I assisted fellow students who had difficulties with the subjects. Some needed help with homework and some needed help with new mathematic concepts just learned in class that day, so I explained the concepts, or at least tried to, in a simpler way than the professor to them, showed them how to tackle homework problems, and as the last resort, solved the problems for them. It was a great experience because not only I was able to help out my fellow students; I also help them to help themselves. It was a wonderful feeling to see someone solved math problems that he used to have trouble with before on his own, or when a student came in and said he did well on the test because he understood a theorem better and was able to apply it correctly. However, self-gratification was never the goal in my mind; it was only a by-product of the effort and willingness to help those who in need of help. I'm simply glad that I left a real and positive mark in my schoolmates' study.
One of the main reasons I wanted to be part of the Peace Corps is that the Corps presents a great opportunity for me to mature, in most aspects, as an adult, one equipped with the understanding and the desire to make something out of myself - to carve my own place in the society. I want take what I learned in school to the world, not only the textbook knowledge, but also the interpersonal and social skills, and see how useful I can be.
I am confident that I can satisfy all 10 of the Peace Corps Core Expectation as they are very reasonable and fair. I am open-minded and respectful of others and their culture. I believe that I can quickly adapt to the new environment and be helpful to all whom around me. If accepted and deployed, I hope to make positive influence on the destination community, and hope to learn from them lessons that can't be taught within the classroom walls.
Hei there! :D
Your essay is actually pretty great, except for the terrible intro!
Dear sir/madam, how are you doing today? Please forgive me for opening my essay in such an informal manner, for I'm afraid I might begin and bore you with a cliché. -- I don't think this says something really good about you. If you are afraid of a cliche opening, then just find an original one. It is a letter after all, so i suppose you should mention why you are writing to them.
[...] in a simpler way than the professor to them , [...]
It was a great experience because not only I was I able to help out my fellow students; I also helped them ( to) help themselves.
It was a wonderful feeling to see someone solved math problems [...]
[...] those who in need of help. or those who are in need of help.
[...] the Corps presents [...]
[...] all 10 of the Peace Corps Core Expectations [...]
I hope this was at least a bit helpful and good luck! :3
Dear sir/madam, how are you doing today? Please forgive me for opening my essay in such an informal manner, for I'm afraid I might begin and bore you with a cliché.
This sort of thing is great! But you have to keep it. If you use it as a theme, you have to make the whole essay all about it while also giving the necessary info.
you can choose any theme that suits you. Know what I mean? But if you just include that in a random way, it is just random. You have to go all the way with the theme you choose.
:-)
