plz comment n tell me places i can improve...shud i delete the 2nd line and elaborate more on the console based gaming???
We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)
Few things provide me greater joy than soccer. Whether it is dribbling the ball past defenders or blasting it into the top corner, each moment that passes on the field is accompanied by tremendous excitement and takes my mind off everything else. I not only enjoy playing soccer out in the real world, but also on my Playstation2. I am a die-hard fan of the EA Sports FIFA game series and love to test my gaming skills against my friends each time we meet. I am an ardent supporter of Chelsea FC and love watching their matches throughout the season.
I think you did a great job explaining and elaborating. Definitely don't take out the 2nd line. The first sentence seems a little awkward however. Maybe try something like,There are few things that give me greater joy than soccer.
And if that puts you over 100 words, you could take out the last part of your second sentence about taking your mind off everything. That seems a bit unnecessary.
A lot of times, people advise essayists to use a stronger word than "things," and I guess I agree with them. Whenever you write "things," you could be writing a word that carries more feeling or imagery.
You used "whether it is,...----> or...."
and you used, "Not only ...---->but also." These two phrases are so common... I wish you would use an unexpected, interesting sentence structure instead.
I think you can dig deeper and find significance in soccer that is more than something to, "take my mind off everything else."
I not only enjoy playing soccer out in the real world, but also on my Playstation2. ------it seems like you really are just trying to tell about your love of soccer... but that is not really the point. Answer their question in a way that shows that you know how to make connections between soccer (or anything you love) and the path you are on as you attend this school and plan a career. But when you mention playstation, that is not really doing anything to help affirm your preparedness for college. :-)
Seems like the last sentence is not so related to the last but two, when you switch to football club from football games. Maybe you should add a transition. I love your second sentence, so well written one! BTW, Chelsea is good thoguh recenyly they lost a little :)
