"what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay

This is just my first rough draft, but any suggestions?

The essay should include, but is not limited to, discussion of your academic potential, work ethic, and integrity. (Limit: 2000 characters)

Since the day I started kindergarten I have been preparing for what I want to do after high school even without thinking about it. People would always say, "Michelle, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the answer was always the same: a doctor. However, as I grew older and wiser I realized that maybe that wasn't the best career choice for me and began thinking about what I really wanted to do with my life. That's when I stumbled upon pharmacy. I realized that I could still do something in the medical field without having to actually be a doctor. I truly believe that my academic potential, integrity, and work ethic will allow me to achieve this goal of mine at UM-Flint.

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a 3.93 GPA and achieved a 28 on the ACT. While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face. On top of all that, I am a Varsity Cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society. I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school. I believe that I can reach my fullest potential at UM-Flint because of its commitment to excellence and achievement.

My personal integrity is top notch. I believe in always telling the truth, no matter how bad it is. I always try my hardest and never settle for cheating my way through something. The best example of my personal integrity is one day at work I found $100 laying on the floor. Instead of picking it up and keeping it, I set it up front for the rightful owner to claim. It would have been extremely easy for me to keep it and act like I never saw it, but my conscious would not let me.

When I start a project, I finish it. I do not settle for "almost done" or "second best" work. I always try my hardest at everything I do, even when the going gets tough. Being a Varsity Cheerleader has helped me improve my work ethic. I realized that I may not always be the best person on the mat, but if I work hard enough I can improve and become the best. After our first competition, we realized that many schools were out of our league and we felt as though we couldn't compete with them. However, our coach wouldn't let us give up and made us keep practicing even nobody wanted to. After many hours of pain, sweat, and even tears we went to Regionals and were able to compete with the best. We may not have won that day, or even advanced to States, but we did beat all our other scores and proved to ourselves that by never giving up improvement is possible.

Here are a few grammatical changes:

Since the day I started kindergarten, I have been preparing for what

M y personal integrity was put to test when at work I found $100 laying on the floor.

-scofield

i suggest you get in touch with liebe, simone or sean.

they're great for those things and simone and liebe i know for sure arent applying 2014. sean, im not too sure, but im thinking not.

good luck!

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a 3.93 GPA and achieved a 28 on the ACT. While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face. On top of all that, I am a Varsity Cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society. I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school.

I think that this whole passage should be omitted. It's just repeating your resume which is in your app already. It would be ok if you stated that all this conveys your ability to multitask but you don't.

Your essay sounds like bragging to me.


^ Not cheating and lying does not add anything to the university.


No matter how honest you are, I do not believe this cliche example of morality.

You have no in depth examples. Your essay is basically your application in complete sentences.

But, you are presenting pharmacy as a sort of "second best" choice, like being a doctor, but not as hard. Why not just talk about always wanting to be in a healing profession, skipping the part about wanting to be a doctor but giving that up?

^Actually I am :P


^Alright, with the VERY FIRST LINE, I can see a bit of an oxymoron, although not a very clever one. How can something be prepared without thinking about it?

By acknowledging your own preparation, you are thinking about it. Perhaps you dont give any thought in your preparation, however that is not what you implied.

People would always sayask , "Michelle, what do you want to be when you grow up?" and the answer was always the same: a doctor. However, as I grew older and wiser I realized that maybe that wasn't the best career choice for me and began thinking about what I really wanted to do with my life.

-*Wiser?
-Should be 'was not'
-Do with my life? That suggests that your current life is in a state is in a mess.

That's when I stumbled upon pharmacy.
^A bit too convenient for an admissions essay.

I realized that I could still do something in the medical field without having to actually be a doctor. I truly believe that my academic potential, integrity, and work ethic will allow me to achieve this goal of mine at UM-Flint.

^The last three qualities are supposed to be defined in this essay. Just repeating the essay question does far from good.

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a 3.93 GPA and achieved a 28 on the ACT.
^Readers dont need to know this. This shows academic achievement, rather than your academic potential.

While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face. On top of all that, I am a Varsity Cheerleader and a member of the National Honor Society.

^'On top of all that'? It suggests that you think that you have done so much, and MORE, and you really need to show it off..

I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school. I believe that I can reach my fullest potential at UM-Flint because of its commitment to excellence and achievement.

^Well, maintaining a high GPA at college is not necessarily the same as having had a high GPA at high school. How does UM-Flint have such commitment by the way?

My personal integrity is top notch.
^Please.

I believe in always telling the truth, no matter how bad it is. I always try my hardest and never settle for cheating my way through something. The best example of my personal integrity is one day at work I found $100 laying on the floor. Instead of picking it up and keeping it, I set it up front for the rightful owner to claim. It would have been extremely easy for me to keep it and act like I never saw it, but my conscious would not let me.

^This definitely does not imply that your integrity is 'top notch'. Top notch is a bit too strong of a word and it seems you flattered yourself a bit too much.

When I start a project, I finish it. I do not settle for "almost done" or "second best" work. I always try my hardest at everything I do, even when the going gets tough.

^Example should be given.

Being a Varsity Cheerleader has helped me improve my work ethic. I realized that I may not always be the best person on the mat, but if I work hard enough I can improve and become the best.

^The best? Really?

After our first competition, we realized that many schools were out of our league and we felt as though we couldn't compete with them. However, our coach wouldn't let us give up and made us keep practicing even nobody wanted to.

^This is your coach that kept pushing you, not yourself. This completely contradicts your earlier sentence...

After many hours of pain, sweat, and even tears we went to Regionals and were able to compete with the best. We may not have won that day, or even advanced to States, but we did beat all our other scores and proved to ourselves that by never giving up improvement is possible.

okay ...great...just improve it

After our first competition, we realized that many schools were out of our league and we felt as though we couldn't compete with them. However, our coach wouldn't let us give up and made us keep practicing even nobody wanted to.

^Avoid all types of contractions in formal writing.

After many hours of pain, sweat, and even tears we went to Regionals and were able to compete with the best.
^"even" is unnecessary
^also the "pain, sweat, and tears" seems very cliche

We may not have won that day, or even advanced to States, but we did beat all our other scores and proved to ourselves that by never giving up improvement is possible.

^Reword. I don't think "improvement" is a strong enough word for the point of your essay.
^Take out even.

*The beginning of the essay seems as though you are bragging about your acheivements. Colleges want to know how you were affected through your hard work, extracurriculars, etc.

Hope this helps!

Okay, so my second paragraph about academic achievement I have no idea how to write. This is my second draft of it, but it's still lacking something.

Throughout my career at Birch Run High School I have maintained a high GPA, achieved a good ACT score, and dual-enrolled at Delta College. While doing this I have a part-time job as a sales associate at The North Face, am a Varsity Cheerleader, and a member of the National Honor Society. Because I have been able to multitask the activities I am involved it now, I believe I have the potential to keep a high GPA throughout college and work towards getting accepted to a good pharmacy school. I believe that I can reach my fullest potential at UM-Flint because of its commitment to achievement with small classes and devoted faculty.

Your goal should not be to get accepted into a "good" pharmacy school but rather to become a great pharmacist.

^You seem to be quite ignorant of the fact that the GPA you can maintain at high school does not necessarily require the same amount of hard work it does in college. It should require more. So in turn, there is no guarantee that you will be able to do all of these tasks simultaneously, or at least do as well in all of them as you have done now.

Also, how does small classes and devoted faculty help anyone reach one's full potential? These grand claims are far from impressive.

Thanks for the help. And also, does a limit of 2,000 characters include spaces?

No. Your word processing program should be able to do a character count for you.

If this is being typed into an online application, I believe the character count does include spaces. At least it counts them for my online supplements on commonapp.org

In this essay, you refer alot to yourself and high school accomplishments, instead try to talk about what about pharmacy interests you. Elaborate more on that because keep in mind that colleges will already be aware of all your accomplishments from your application.

Yes. If submitting the application online, it most most definitely includes spaces. I am a current applicant myself, and if you post over the character limit, even one letter over, it will not be submitted. Only what fits within the character limit will be entered.