Hello Everyone.
-This essay is a lot harder than I thought it would be and I'm having trouble creating an intro and a meaningful conclusion. I think I'm having trouble with my essay being too broad and vague and was wondering if any one can help.
Can anybody read my personal statement and give feedback? Any help is appreciated!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
Growing up in family with immigrant parents has profoundly influenced my hopes aspirations of one day going to medical school to become a doctor. As a son of parents who have experienced insurmountable hardships themselves, I endeavor to be representative of their struggles.
As a young child, my father and his parents emigrated from Czechoslovakia as war refugees of World War Two. My grandfather had been a political enemy of the Soviet Union through his writings, and the U.S.S.R had wanted his family turned over. In the immediate aftermath of the war, my father and his family fled westward to escape the advancing Red Army. The Americans however were in charge of dealing with war refugees, and were especially suspicious of those interested by the Soviet Union. The American forces then placed my grandfather in the Dachau internment camp as a political prisoner of the U.S.S.R. Eventually however Americans decided to review my grandfather's records as they were almost certain no crime was committed by him. Seeing that my grandfather had not committed any crimes, the American released him and after reuniting with my grandfather and my father, they immigrated to the United States. Although politically America was a paradise, it was extremely difficult financially. My grandfather who was a practicing doctor back in Europe, was now a janitor in New York City's slums to help pay for the family. However despite the circumstances, my father was able to establish himself by learning English, going to school, and eventually earning his medical degree and becoming a radiologist.
Similarly, my mother experienced hardships that I today translate into my own work ethic.
My mother grew up in an Orwellian world. Life was very difficult for my mother in the Soviet Union, and many of her relatives were on the Soviet watch list. Not wanting to risk a similar fate, my grandfather would always be sure to disconnect the phone lines before reciting his poetry criticizing the communist government. Despite their circumstances, my mother's family was finally able to immigrate to United States following the dissolution of the Soviet Union.
These hardships experienced by my parents have inspired me to take on my own challenges and strive to do my best. My family has furthermore inspired me to take an intimate interest in medicine seeing that it is an integral part of my family. My father today is a practicing medical doctor and my late grandfather was a physician as well. Ever since I was a child and went to work with my father to the hospital, I have developed a passion for the medical field. I became fascinated in the various medical fields of my father's colleagues and the functions of the hospital as a whole. I developed a keen interest in the inner workings of the human body, which inspired me to take curiosity in the sciences, particularly biology. My interest in biology manifested when as a sophomore, I enrolled in AP Biology. In addition, my enthusiasm in the sciences led me to take the most rigorous courses available at my high school, including AP Chemistry as a junior and AP Physics C as a senior. Furthermore, I chose to volunteer at my local community hospital as a Junior Volunteer due to my interests in the medical field originating from my family.
Hello,
I like the background of your family's hardships in Soviet Russian, but i think you talk about them more than you do yourself. Your should incorporate how your parents world has influenced your world and your dreams, and work in your last paragraph into the whole essay.
I agree with Demeris, you need to slim down on the background portion and expand more on YOURSELF. Start by figuring out what really was necessary in your explanation on the background, and take out all the extra fluff. Slim it down a little.
But otherwise, youre doing a good job! Dont stress out and keep up the hard work! :D
