Hello, I've just finished a short writing. I'd appreciate your advice.
"No!" I yelled in silent, "you guys sing too fast!" As the conductor of the class chorus, I was disappointed to find my classmates failed to understand the violent motion of my arms due to nervousness. "Our hard work will turn to be fruitless if they don't slow down" I thought anxiously, but how? It suddenly dawn on me that my expressive face is still spared. I sniffled and winked, but some obviously misunderstood the hints as they return sunny smiles. Something unusual was needed. I stuck out my tongue, showed my teeth and yelled "slow down" silently with exaggeratedly mouth motion. Fortunately, they caught it and soon found the accompaniment. After the competition, girls secretly tell me never to do it again, for those expressions were no cute at all. I laughed off their admonishment. I never embarrass about my mobile face, and actually it saved our award.
Well, I think the essay need revise badly, so please give as much criticism as possible. As you can tell I'm no native writer, I need you guys' help to make it sounds more natrual. I'm not sure about the topic. Can it show my identity? I'm not sure. THX a lot~
Its quite good, but you do need to correct the following.
...yelled in silence , "you guys...
...disappointed to find that my classmates...
...will turn out to be fruitless if ...
...I thought anxiously, "but how?" It suddenly dawned on me...
...I am never embarrassed about my mobile...
I'm not native either, so I can hardly say something about the use of language.
After reading the essay, I only get that you made a mouth motion and controlled the chorus. It is like just a simple story, which also seems a little bit unimportant. I think it is better if you could write something about what you've learned or understood through an activity in addition to telling the story.
It is my personal opinion, don't take it too serious.
Yes, this is a cute little story but I'm not sure of your purpose in telling it. Perhaps we could clarify that before getting into the grammar. (No need to fix up the grammar if you're going to change it completely.)
After reading the essay, I only get that you made a mouth motion and controlled the chorus. It is like just a simple story, which also seems a little bit unimportant.
Yes, this is a cute little story but I'm not sure of your purpose in telling it. Perhaps we could clarify that before getting into the grammar.
I see the purpose behind the story. I think it is telling of the author's personality. Keep in mind that we are talking about Chinese culture. In Chinese culture, sticking your tongue out and baring your teeth at your classmates during a performance doesn't fit the conformist expectations. Zhoa shows that he (she?) is a leader--being in charge of conducting--and is willing to use unorthodox measures to bring the other students back on track (sticking out the tongue and baring teeth). The other students admonish Zhoa saying that he (she?) is not cute and shouldn't be doing that, but Zhoa laughs at the criticism because he (she? Sorry!) knows that being out of the box is what it would take to win the competition.
I do think that a little more explanation is needed for American readers. Those actions don't carry the same meaning here.
Aye, more detail be needed here. For one thing, it is unclear why you think that the people you were dealing with would consider sniffing, bared teeth, or a stuck out tongue signs that you meant them to slow down, or why, in fact, you would not just mouth "slow down" in the first place.
Thank you a lot. It seems I still have a lot of work to do, to strenthen the theme, improve logic, make it clear for American, and... Actually I'm a little afraid to describe my characters or say what I've learned at the end of the story. I just don't know the right way to do, but I'll try this time. It will take me some time to revise and I'll post it here again in one day or two. Could you please read again? If it's still bad, I guess I will just kill the story.
Thank you~
Hello, I'm back. What do you think of it this time?
"No!" I yelled in silence, "You guys sing too fast!" As the conductor of the chorus, I was disappointed to find that my friends failed to follow the violent motion of my arms because of nervousness. "How do I get them to listen to me?" I anxiously thought to myself. It suddenly dawned on me that my face would speak. I winked to attract their attention, but nobody took notice of it. I had to do something drastic. Stuck my tongue out at them and bared my teeth, I could feel sixty pairs of eyes immediately fix on my face. "Great!" I thought and then repeatedly yelled "slow down" silently with exaggerated mouth motions and facial expression. They understood and slowed down. After the competition, girls secretly told me never to do it again, for those expressions weren't cute at all, too much for Chinese young ladies. I laughed off their admonishment. I'm never embarrassed about my mobile face, and actually it saved our award.
What I want to express is all in Notoman's comments. I don't know if I've made it clear this time and I don't know what Americans think of it.
The essay is a little bit too long, but I can't figure out a way to shorten it. And perhaps still a lot of awkward languages.
I'm looking forward to your advice. It really hepled a lot.
THX~
hey man you are writing story or statement it is not clear to me
where is topic
Em...
I got you this time.
But ...
I'm not sure about whether the essay let me sense your idea or Notoman's comments let me know your idea in the first place.
Pretty good I guess.
niraj
It's a story. What makes you think it's a statement?
Do I need improvement to make it more like a "story"?
Looking forward to your opinion.
Your essay has some trite phrases and grammar mistakes.
Also, this essay prompt requires you to discuss an activity. You do, but I get the impression that you are more fascinated by you sticking your tongue out than your activity.
