'want my hair back' - Johns Hopkins Supplement

Please help me with my supplement essay!!!

Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials.

I wear a hat every day, not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. My hair fell out since Grade One. The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming bald-headed, I told my mother, and we went to a hospital. After running some tests, the doctor told us that I have stress alopecia, which is the loss of hair caused by stress. My family, then, did everything to make me feel less stressful; but the condition worsened. Finally, I became completely bald. The despair overwhelmed me after looking in the mirror. I felt like I lost the symbol for woman, and I started to avoid looking in the mirror. Since then, I am wearing a hat. Thankfully, however, I became the sort of people who stands out in a crowd. I have the ability to attract people's attention better than others. Although I still want my hair back, I do not grieve over it, simply because there is no point doing so. Even though I am bald, I am still me, nothing has changed, why grieving over?

Your tone is simple and concise. Great job of conveying your story.
Think of how your can be more descriptive to pack a bigger punch.

I wear a hat every day-(hyphen) not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. My hair has fell out since Grade One.==> Kind of awkward instead tryI first noted my hair loss in grade one The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the potential seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming permanently bald , I told my mother, and we went to a hospital.

Thank you for your help!
revised:

I wear a hat every day- not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. I first noted my hair loss in grade one. The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the potential seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming permanently bald, I told my mother, and we went to a hospital. After running some tests, the doctor told us that I have stress alopecia, which is the loss of hair caused by stress. My family, then, did everything to make me feel less stressful; but the condition worsened. Finally, I became completely bald. The despair overwhelmed me after looking in the mirror. I felt like I lost the symbol for woman, and I started to avoid looking in the mirror. Since then, I am wearing a hat. Thankfully, however, I became the sort of people who stands out in a crowd. I have the ability to attract people's attention better than others. Although I still want my hair back, I do not grieve over it, simply because there is no point doing so. Even though I am bald, I am still me; nothing has changed, why grieving over?